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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Jealousy/Trust

22 replies

Dadof2wo · 20/10/2015 17:18

With the idea that no 2 people are the same i can understand the difficulty in giving a definite answer on this subject.
But are peoples view on this that if somebody suffers from jealousy they can never then trust a partner, and also is the jealousy something that will always be there, although in some cases it maybe kept under control?
I hope this makes sense

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 20/10/2015 17:21

I think you might need to give more info about your dilemma to be honest

ILiveAtTheBeach · 20/10/2015 17:23

People can change. If you've just started dating someone, who has been cheated on before, she will have her guard way up. I was like this when I met my DH. Would check his FB/phone etc. I am not like this any more. We've been together long enough for me to know he wouldn't hurt me. Trust needs to be earned, I guess.

OurBlanche · 20/10/2015 17:27

I think I get it.

My opinion is that a jealousy is not a global character trait, i.e. person is a jealous person. But it is a character trait. They may be able to control it, not act on it too much, but it will still be there, lurking.

I think it is situational. A person might be fine with some things but not others. My SIL is madly jealous of possessions, she has to have a version of the latest gadget, gizmoe etc, new hire purchase car ever 3 years, bug foreign holiday every year - all choices dictated by what her peer group has.

I have a friend who couldn't care about 'stuff' but her DH is a well controlled, tracked and explained man. She even has problems with him giving me a lift to pick my car up from the garage, as if in that 5 minutes we could carry out a passionate fling that we could have had at far more pleasant times at any time over the last 30 years! She is relentless in her suspicion, he is totally transparent in the nitty gritty of his daily round. He has never cheated, on her or anyone. Nor has she!

Elendon · 20/10/2015 17:57

I don't think you can put jealous and trusting as synonyms.

pocketsaviour · 20/10/2015 18:12

I have a family member who was similar to OurBlanche friend. She would interrogate her H every day about where he had been, who he had spoken to. If he had spoken to any woman at all, then CLEARLY he didn't give a fuck about her, she may as well pack her bags right now, etc etc.

It took her a lot of work in therapy to get over it. But that's only possible if the person with the jealousy problem accepts that they have a problem and is willing to work on themselves to change it.

FWIW she had never been cheated on, and has never cheated. And her H was the least likely bloke to ever, seriously. It wasn't about him though, she was the same with all her previous partners too.

extrastrongblackcoffee · 20/10/2015 18:20

I think it's more about who you naturally are, rather than personal experience.

I know people who have been cheated on time and time again and yet they are very trusting with a new partner and then on the flip side, I know people who have never been cheated on, who are constantly suspicious and untrusting generally. I'm afraid I fall more into the second category and it's horrible. I hate being jealous and suspicious. It can be exhausting! I try my hardest to keep it under control, but it's difficult sometimes.

Shinyhappypeople9 · 20/10/2015 18:32

People who are jealous to that extent should be avoided in relationships.

EponasWildDaughter · 20/10/2015 18:58

I think that if you are a person who tends towards jealousy then yes, it's always going to be there. It's something you can try hard to control, and that's the best you can do.

It can be buried as much as poss, but can rear it's head in certain circumstances.

Does that mean a person like this can never fully trust a partner?

Yes, i think it does.

Is that a bad thing though? Should we ever trust completely?

EponasWildDaughter · 20/10/2015 19:02

I'm a v.jealous person, and so is DH. Equally so. Weirdly this helps.

We are both sensitive to the stupid ideas which can pop into the jealous mind and have both agreed that if at some time we feel the need to check phones or ask each other straight if there's something we're worried about, then the other wont be offended and get all shirty

Original poster

Dadof2wo · 20/10/2015 19:28

Basically, in the first 5 years together i always struggled with jealousy, it made things difficult but we got through it. Then came marraige, kids, mortgage etc and that feeling just kind of disappeared in amongst it all. Over the years i became aware that my wife could do things that never bothered me as they once did, things were so relaxed it was great, i felt great and free from that emotion. At the start of this year (now 14years together) my wife had an EA, something she has never quite admitted in full, still claims to have been naive. Anyway, i am now away back at square one and im really struggling with it. What is worse is she has a few male friends, who are not "joint friends" between us and i really find it hard to not imagine that theres more than friendship there.
I do feel ridiculous at times and tell myself to grow up, but its bloody hard and just doesnt work like that.
I guess this is why i think it will always be there now.

OP posts:

EponasWildDaughter · 20/10/2015 19:34

Under the circumstances i think what you are feeling is perfectly natural. The trust has been damaged (not broken maybe) and will take time to rebuild.

You say she has not fully admitted the EA. This cannot be helping. Is she seeking to help you trust her again, or is she brushing your feelings aside?

Original poster

Dadof2wo · 20/10/2015 20:16

She does get really frustrated and angry with it all as she basically says i dont trust her. She also says she couldnt be more open about who's company she is in etc.
The guy from the EA is long gone as a friend, although he does still try now and again to make contact. She has blocked emails but he does txt now and again, however theres solid proof she never gives a reply.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 21/10/2015 03:10

Did you post some time ago on discovering that your dw was conducting what many here were of the view was a full-blown physical affair, but which you appear to believe or have accepted was an ea?

Regardless, it's not about how open your dw is about whose company she's in, it's about what she's getting up to while she's in it and citing naivety as an excuse for her duplicitous behaviour, together with getting angry at your understandable lack of trust in her, does not inspire confidence that she's learned anything from this experience or that she feels any genuine remorse for the hurt she's caused you.

Given the above, it's unlikely that you'll trust her again and I suspect that many would say you'll be a fool if you do.

As for there being 'solid proof' that your dw does not respond to her former emotional or physical paramour's texts, I'm handing you a so that you can take a pinch and add it to that assertion and, fwiw, I would bet serious money that your dw has been in touch with him since your discovery.

Mermaidhair · 21/10/2015 04:18

I don't think jealousy means that you will have trust issues in a relationship at all.

Mermaidhair · 21/10/2015 04:19

They are two seperate things.

Original poster

Dadof2wo · 21/10/2015 10:19

goddess i did post back in jan/feb time when this all happened. Some people did suggest there was a physical side to it, but i know from the emails i read(which she doesnt know about) that there was only one time that he tried to kiss her and she told him he over stepped the mark.
The text ive seen in the last couple of months are always him pretty much begging to "meet up just to talk". Again she doesnt know i have seen these.
The problem is they no longer work together so theres no opportunity of me confronting this clown, although i could email him.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 21/10/2015 15:07

I don't think it's him you need to confront. Why hasn't your DW blocked his texts?

goddessofsmallthings · 21/10/2015 19:11

The om is begging your wife to "meet up just to talk". As opposed to meeting up for a spot of horizontal jogging not talking?

As I recall, the om was her boss; their work necessitated travelling together on overnight business trips, their out of office hours activities began before she became pg with your second dc, and you discovered her deceit shortly before she was due to return to work after maternity leave. I also seem to recollect that you confronted the om in person, or intended to, and also spoke to his dw or, again, intended to.

At that time you described your dw as being devastated, which I took to mean that she was in frequent floods of tears, horrified at the possibility of you divorcing her, and anxious to make amends.

However, from your update, it appears that she has gone from penitent to complacent in a remarkably short time, which suggests to me that she was devastated at being found out and that you have allowed hysterical bonding to cloud your judgement.

Original poster

Dadof2wo · 21/10/2015 19:19

goddess i think you have me mixed up with another thread. My wife and colleague were in equal positions in work. Also my wife was not devastated when i told her what i knew, as she was still in denial that she had crossed a line.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 21/10/2015 19:30

In which case please accept my sincere apologies for confusing you with another OP, Dad.

I shall report my post at 19.11 (above) and ask for it to be removed.

Original poster

Dadof2wo · 21/10/2015 21:38

Not a problem, if theres one thing i've learned on here its that so many people seem to have very, very similar problems.

OP posts:

LovesPeace · 22/10/2015 07:28

I'm confused between 'jealous' and 'not trusting' in my head.
My ex cheated on me, both by having EAs with two or three 20 yr olds (he was 40), by swinging, dogging, and worst of all, by using prostitutes.

When found out, he said it wouldn't have been a problem if I wasn't so jealous. But I never was, never checked his phone (I should have!), never asked him where he was, was happy for him to have female friends, etc.

So I didn't trust him after that, despite trusting him before. If you don't trust someone in a supposedly monogamous relationship, does that make you nastily jealous, or just betrayed?

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