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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hysterical bonding - do I go with it or resist

28 replies

InShockWhatToDo · 11/10/2015 07:39

So thank you mumsnet - I thought I was going crazy wanting to have sex with my H after an 8 year dry spell (my doing) after finding out about his affair.

Our current thinking is that We want to see if we can make the relationship work or not. A joint journey of working it out as a couple and also as individuals with counselling and hard work.

But do I act on my desire - I understand the theory behind hysterical bonding and think it totally explains the reawakens of my desire to sleep with him, to touch him, to be hugged by him etc etc.

But can it be useful to not act on it or should I with open eyes let nature do its thing and go with the flow.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 11/10/2015 08:00

8 years? And you've stayed together all that time, he faithful?

Sounds to me like a fresh chapter. I don't think it's 'hysterical' after 8 years tbh.

Wishing you well op.

Spartans · 11/10/2015 08:04

Got to say I agree with springy.

Have you been together for the whole 8 years as a couple? It's not really hysterical bonding, surely.

TheStoic · 11/10/2015 09:32

So you didn't want to have sex with your husband for eight years, you've recently found out he had an affair, and now you suddenly want sex?

Make sure you've both been tested and cleared for STDs, and then decide how you want to proceed with regards to sex.

Are you aware of why you weren't interested in sex with him for so long, and have those reasons been addressed? Because after the HB wears off, you will most likely be back there.

BathtimeFunkster · 11/10/2015 11:36

I think after putting him through a sexless marriage for 8 years you owe it to him not to shag him now just to claim him again before you resume your lack of interest.

I think it could be very bad for his self esteem for you to use him for sex just because you've realised other people might find him attractive.

You need to figure out why you didn't want sex with him for so long before you decide to put it back on the menu.

donajimena · 11/10/2015 12:55

Bloody hell 8 years? Thats really not fair. An affair was wrong too. This should have been sorted out a long time ago.
Its fine not to want sex or have sex that you don't want but what about what he wanted?
You need to talk to each other.

FunkyPeacock · 11/10/2015 12:59

Was the 8 year dry spell before or after the affair came to light??

summerwinterton · 11/10/2015 13:33

Or was he having an affair/s for 8 years and now you want to desperately cling onto him?

Original poster

InShockWhatToDo · 11/10/2015 15:17

No you are all right. I m so confused. So yes we have been married for 18 years, the last 8 of those with no sex. The no sex is down to me Although obviously both of us contribute but it's an issue I need to sort out for me.

He has has an affair for 7 months, I found out this week after he ended it with OW and she told me.

So yes, having been slightly horrified at the the thought of any physical contact with H including hugging, holding hands etc, I now am wanting it, actively hugging him and would sleep with him BUT I get that this is a sticky plaster over a huge betrayal by him, a troubled marriage in general and my own individual sex issues. So I don't know wether to acknowledge but not act on on my ability to desired him again or to go for it and let it play out.

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 11/10/2015 15:21

I think going for it after 8 years of no sex or affection would be really unfair.

I'm also not sure it's really that big a betrayal to look for sex outside a sexless marriage.

Did you talk about the lack of sex? How did it make him feel?

Spartans · 11/10/2015 15:22

Hmmm I think if you haven't had sex for 8 years, even before his affair. I would say jumping into bed now is hysterical bonding and would advise against it. I thought you had stopped having sex 8 years ao when you found out about his affair 8 years ago. Didn't realise the affair was so recent.

It's almost like you are staking your claim on him. I think you have a lot of issues to resolve first

Spartans · 11/10/2015 15:25

Personally even in a sexless marriage, I don't feel that an affair is ok.

If I were him I would have ended it or told you I wanted an open marriage. If you would accept I would start divorce proceedings. I would not want to be in a sexless marriage. But I wouldn't go behind you back

BathtimeFunkster · 11/10/2015 15:25

It's almost like you are staking your claim on him.

It's exactly like you are staking your claim on him.

After 8 years of what sounds like a marriage with no sex or affection.

Why did it all stop so finally?

Why did you stay with him if you didn't want sex with him?

Did he want sex with you?

BathtimeFunkster · 11/10/2015 15:29

If my choice were leaving my family home and children and a wife I got on well with, but who wouldn't touch me, and having a discreet affair, I might go for the affair.

I think after 8 years of no sex imposed by one partner and then an affair started by other, any rebuilding should come from a place of recognising you have both done great harm to each other and your relationship.

Not all affairs are caused by unhappy marriages, but it seems highly likely that this one was.

SevenSeconds · 11/10/2015 15:31

I think you should act on it. It's not the same situation as if you'd had a healthy sex life and he was shagging OW on the side. If you want to find a way to make this work, part of that will be resuming your sex life. If you suddenly desire him again after 8 years then I'd say grab the opportunity with both hands!

Floppy5885 · 11/10/2015 15:32

Can you approach it with less of the hysterical and instead with an attitude of rediscovery. If you want to make the relationship work, you both need to have your needs met though

Goingtobeawesome · 11/10/2015 15:32

I'm really confused. Seems the husband was fine for the majority of the eight years with no sex, affair is recent and only a few months long, yet the OP is in the wrong for wanting to have sex with her husband again. Stake her claim? she doesn't need too. He is her husband. He chose to stay while no sex was on offer.

OP I wish you well. If you want to have sex with your husband talk to him.

Original poster

InShockWhatToDo · 11/10/2015 15:36

I think Spartan has it.

The reasons for the no sex are to do with my sexual self esteem, with a very traumatic childbirth, him not seeming to mind or expressing any desire to change it and me sticking my head in the sand. I can see why he had an affair but I can't forgive that he did - he didnot come and say to me that he couldn't take it any more, he didnot say marriage over, I want to see other people, he had an affair and only stopped it when I was about to find out, if OW had not told me he never would have. He wasnot ever going to leave me for her. But that's all to do with the affair and my question for myself and you guys at the moment is wether to sleep with him and I think the answer is no. And especially if I intimate it as what signals does that send him and what happens if I go back off sex.

I think physical contact, can't harm and in fact shows my commitment to exploring our issues and doing things differently. But the staking claim, and finding him attractive cos someone else did is not a justifiable reason to behave at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

InShockWhatToDo · 11/10/2015 16:22

Can't forgive at the moment I should say. I think it's all so new and different and raw that I should just pause. I like the less hysterical and more discovering idea! But I am worried that if I do that so soon it could do more harm than good. I am seeing a counsellor on Monday. We will see one together as well and he is OK to see one himself - I know he should be a bit more keen to see one but I think he is a bit scarred.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 11/10/2015 16:25

?? He's your husband! If you want to shag him, shag him. It might be an angry shag from what you're saying...

You do seem to be taken up with blame towards him for what he's done. But what did you do for 8 years. It is not excusable what he's done but it is understandable. The show death of 8 years, op..

Are you having couples counselling? I should think that is an absolute necessity at this point with so much at such a high pitch.

springydaffs · 11/10/2015 16:26

*slow

pocketsaviour · 11/10/2015 16:31

Sexual self esteem problems and childbirth are understandable reasons why you might have started having problems with sex. But you realise that just taking it off the table within your marriage must have had an effect on your H's self esteem, too? I can tell you that it's very wounding to be in a supposed partnership with someone who clearly doesn't want sex with you and who finds even the idea of hugging or holding hands horrifying :(

Do you want to stay married? Or are you still considering your options? I think if you are undecided then it would be best to avoid sex at the moment as it will probably just muddy the waters. I also think it would be very unfair to give your H the impression that your sex life was going to be rekindled, only for you to lose interest once things are back to "normal" - and it sounds like there's a strong chance of that if this is hysterical bonding.

Spartans · 11/10/2015 17:09

My point isn't taht the OP should have sex with him she wants to have sex with him. My point is that I don't really think she wants to have sex, she wants to assert her claim.

Which given the ops issues will make her feel worse in the long run

thehypocritesoaf · 11/10/2015 17:35

I thought he was a gambler/liar?

Have all those issues disappeared too?

Spartans · 11/10/2015 17:54

I believe the gambling has been dealt with 5 years ago

Original poster

InShockWhatToDo · 11/10/2015 19:20

Gosh. Ok. Yes I totally acknowledge the devastating effect of the no sex thing hence I can totally understand why the affair came into play. This is my part of the 'blame'.

But he could of left me, he could of said it was longer acceptable, he could of told me how much it was hurting him. We do talk to each other and the impression gave was he was accepting of it if not ok with it. He has to take the 'blame' not doing the above.

Yes we will get counselling. Individual and couples. Yes he is an gambler and a liar and yes this has been a large Part of our marriage problems but for me I see it or any addiction as an illness to be dealt with it. If he keeps taking his medicine I.e going to meetings and sticks to the financial protection we have put in place and acknowledges his gambling then that is fine with me. We both know that if these are broken he has to leave. He accepts this.

We have decided we both feel it is worth exploring wether we can get the relationship back or not. We will be having counselling and are talking a lot. Neither of us know what will happen but we want to give us the chance of having options.

As for the sex, I still don't know what to do,
But the sensible side of me says I am conflicted, mumsnet is conflicted and so not sleeping with him at this stage post the big affair reveal is the way forward until something becomes clearer.

OP posts:

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