Abusive but not angry?

[ThomasRichard]

I'm confused.

My STBexH hardly ever got angry. I remember 3 times in 7 years where he did. He never called me names or threatened me. I read 'Why Does He Do That?' yesterday and although I could identify with the signs of an abused woman and some of the behaviours of abusve men fit H, I didn't really feel like he fit the profile.

Can someone be abusive without being angry? By financial wrangling, deceit, disloyalty, laziness?

This man is obviously abusive. I thought my H was too but now I'm not so sure.

Any thoughts?

Sometimes it's not really that helpful to have a label of "abusive" or "not abusive".

What is important is recognising that the behaviour was wrong, and that you shouldn't put up with it.

I remember someone asking me "Was your ex abusive?" I said "No, he was just a cunt."

I think, in my head, abusers do things deliberately to manipulate, control and hurt you. They enjoy having power over you. But you also get people who do stupid, selfish, lazy crap, but they're not doing it because they're thinking "I'm going to lie to Pockets so I can keep her off-balance", it's more like "I can't be bothered to do that thing Pockets asked me so I'm just going to lie and say I did."

In my experience, too, there's a big difference between how an abuser reacts when you leave, versus someone who's just a tosser, or with whom you've fallen out of love.

A tosser will go "oh whatever, you're fat anyway" or maybe shout and rant about how can you leave me, is there someone else, etc, but they accept that decision.

An abuser will go into total meltdown if you try to leave, because they believe they own you and control you. I have been lucky to only closely encounter two abusers in my life: my father, and a boyfriend when I was in my teens. With my dad it was complicated but the only reason he left eventually was because he was under police caution. Before that we had all sorts of tantrums, he literally threw himself on the kitchen floor and screamed and kicked his hands and feet like a toddler. Because we weren't supposed to make decisions, we were supposed to be his obedient family/accessories/pets.

The boyfriend reacted similarly, kept shouting in my face "you can't leave me, you're not allowed", followed me out and punched me as I was trying to get in my car, luckily a group of guys outside the pub came and pulled him off and I escaped in the confusion. He then took an overdose at a time when he knew I'd find him (he flat-shared with my best mate and I was the mate's only transport to work) which was another blatant control attempt. I took him to hospital and then left him there. He still wouldn't accept it and kept phoning me from the ward (they kept him in for 2wks) both at work and home. When he got out he smashed my car up with a sledgehammer.

I know it shouldn't be important, but it makes a difference to me because I struggle with wondering if I did all I could to make it work. If there was nothing I could have done because he's an abusive man I would oddly feel better about it.

You need to stop thinking like that. You cant fix people. Also, not everyone fits into neat labels. The relationship didnt work. Maybe Get some counselling.

This may sound harsh, it's not meant to be (I endured horrifically unacceptable behaviour in my marriage for 10 years and I understand the sadness, regret and confusion - I remember trying to identify my ex in the Lundy book too) but I think you'll find it more fruitful, when you're ready, to look to yourself and how your boundaries were not strong and what you feel you want and deserve from a relationship going forward, and why you chose the relationship and why it was you didn't call time a bit sooner or deal with the loser a bit differently.

I've gone through this process with my psychotherapist (work in progress) and have found it so much more liberating and my own STBXH barely inhabits a single cell of my brain space any more. And I'm looking to a much brighter future now. And that's the point really. I mean this in the kindest way - it's all about you now.

There's the sneaky passive aggressive type abuser. They do the silent treatment, stonewall, twist everything to make it your fault, gaslight, ignore you, refuse to meet your needs, etc.

My ex was (actually quite mildly, compared to the experiences of a lot of people on here) emotionally abusive.

He never got angry, he got disappointed. Anger wouldn't have bothered me, but disappointment crushed me, and he knew it.

Mmm yes, more like that.

What you said wasn't harsh at all, Handywoman. I know it makes sense and I often do feel like that's the way forward, unfortunately I'm just having one of those weeks where it's a bit of a rollercoaster.