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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help, I'm sure he's unreasonable, but clearly he thinks I'm losing my mind! Sorry quite long

35 replies

Imisscheese · 28/09/2015 23:53

Hi

I've had a huge problem with my partner over cleaning issues for years. My main issue is he won't do anything around the house. Prior to having our son, he did the laundry (just washed,dried then dumped on our bedroom floor) and I did all cleaning. Massively unequal but I just put up with it because I hate wet laundry!

Now I am back at work after maternity leave we both work part time, 0.8. He plays sport every Saturday and I end up doing the cleaning every Saturday. He does other jobs that he feels I should value equally, not sure what they are?

My main issue right now is that I told him this morning that if we couldn't resolve this issue I would leave him. He can't remember the conversation.

I think this is indicative of the lack of respect he shows me generally. I have a DD (14) who I think it would be difficult to move right now and I don't want to break up our relationship but I feel I have nowhere to go if he won't even acknowledge the disparity.

This is someone who is all for equal rights too, as demonstrated by us both being part time.

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/09/2015 00:01

Yes, leave him

Show your daughter by your actions that women are not handmaidens to lazy men.

Walkacrossthesand · 29/09/2015 00:07

So what are these other jobs he feels you should value equally? Getting and bringing home the Christmas tree maybe? That must be worth a year of washing up (sarcasm alert).
Is he even able to recount these equal-ranking jobs, or do they fall into the airy realm of 'so obvious I don't need to list them/you're being petty asking me to'...
The really telling thing is that he isn't even registering a conversation where you say you're leaving if it doesn't change. Does he cultivate a general air of all these worldly things being beneath him?

WhyDontYouProveIt · 29/09/2015 00:11

You gave an ultimatum and if you don't stand by it, he will never respect you. Nothing will ever be different. You have to leave him, if only so your dd doesn't grow up to think that it is normal for men to be lazy and unhelpful and normal for women to do all the boring house work!

Original poster
Imisscheese · 29/09/2015 00:12

He has previously talked about building our son's slide - one of the man jobs I don't notice! However I recently had to build his swing just because he can't be bothered.

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 29/09/2015 00:16

It doesn't really matter though if he is being reasonable or not. The reality is you are finding it incredibly difficult to live with him like this and have told him so. Another woman might be ok with it. another woman again might have dumped him long since. All that matters is you hate living like this. If he can't change or won't change then move on.

Original poster
Imisscheese · 29/09/2015 00:17

This is what I worry about. I don't want my daughter to think this is OK. I am trying to get through to him because I want my son to have two parents at home if possible. However my DD has a chore to do every day, I feel she does more than my partner! It is unacceptable. Iu have said we need to have a conversation and make changes or I will be moving at the end of the month.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/09/2015 00:20

what makes you think he will make any lasting changes this time ?

I expect he has made empty promises before to get you to STFU, then reverted to type when he feels ready

HeteronormativeHaybales · 29/09/2015 00:24

Oh, it's really really not on that she does more than him. All sorts of awful messages right there. (And isn't he embarrassed at himself, doing less housework than a 14yo?)

You really need to be prepared to follow through on your ultimatum, I'm afraid Sad

Original poster
Imisscheese · 29/09/2015 00:24

Thank you. I have given him an ultimatum, but a solution is for him too pull his finger out and deal with the issue - even talking to him he just gets cross and tells me its not a problem. I said to him yesterday how can something that's not a problem lead to a break down of a relationship?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/09/2015 00:26

He doesn't want a solution, he wants you to STFU and make him a sammich.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2015 00:26

Or better still, your 14yo daughter to make him a sammich.

Original poster
Imisscheese · 29/09/2015 00:28

I am really hoping to be able to fix this. I realise I might not be able to.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/09/2015 00:30

He has to fix it. Otherwise, it's just more chores and more shit for you to eat I am afraid.

Original poster
Imisscheese · 29/09/2015 00:31

Unfair re. my dd

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Original poster
Imisscheese · 29/09/2015 00:33

Ok I appreciate what you are saying. I agree, I think he was supposed when he saw me looking at rightmove

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Original poster
Imisscheese · 29/09/2015 00:33

Suprised

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 29/09/2015 00:34

So... his idea of equality is that you both share equally the time spent in paid employment, and you are then his domestic slave on top? That's a nice gig for him. He's managed to take traditional patriarchy and subvert it so it's even more in his favour. Clever trick, really.

he just gets cross and tells me its not a problem

And from his perspective it isn't. It's anything but!

He is absolutely certain you won't leave. So he won't lift a finger. As he says, it's not a problem for you to keep him in a clean, warm, well-stocked home and feed him well. It's clover. It's fabulous. Worth tuning out your complaints for, it seems.

Smorgasboard · 29/09/2015 00:36

Now you have given him an ultimatum, the ball is in his court. You will find out how much or how little he values your life together by how easily he is willing to chuck it all away.
I hope he makes the right choice, however, I think you already suspect he won't. If to him, you are not worth him doing his fair share, you seem strong enough to set yourself free to find someone who does feel you are worth it. That is a good attitude to have, it shows you have self respect and won't stand for abuse, a good role model for both of your children.
Stay strong, carry out any threats you make.

Original poster
Imisscheese · 29/09/2015 00:36

I can see what you are all saying, the trouble is becoming a single parent again is going to be so expensive I don't know how to begin.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 29/09/2015 00:45

Make an appointment with the local CAB, and go in to ask for a comparative benefits check. See what you would be looking at, without him (and remember that you would be entitled to whatever the sum is in child support, from both fathers, and since 2010 child support is ignored when they calculate benefit entitlements). It might be better than you imagine.

Original poster
Imisscheese · 29/09/2015 00:46

I will definitely leave if he's not worth it. I'm just sad as I have invested so much in this relationship. We didn't even move in until we'd been together 5 years and I was sure my kids were comfortable and it wouldn't be a short relationship!

OP posts:
Smorgasboard · 29/09/2015 00:46

He will be banking on the threat being empty. If you stand any chance of getting a change, it looks like you will at least need to move out (or get him to) for a period of time to show you mean business. Any family or friends you could stay with for a while? Can you take some leave from work and go away for a while with the kids? Perhaps over half term to be less disruptive.

Original poster
Imisscheese · 29/09/2015 00:52

Thanks, I will update in a couple of days when I have had a conversation. Thank you ask for your support. Xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Imisscheese · 29/09/2015 00:52

Ask- all

OP posts:
Original poster
Imisscheese · 29/09/2015 00:53

I am a teacher ms my best chance of doing anything is half term

OP posts: