apologies if this doesn't make much sense, I've re-written this a few times, trying to ask the "right" question. this is likely to turn into quite a long post so thank you if you get to the end.
although not a thread about a thread, there have been a couple of threads recently that have triggered this musing.
for background, I think that my mum suffered from some kind of PND/ depression when I was little. Although she took good care of us there wasn't any physical affection, and hugs etc were pretty much non-existent. most of the time I felt that my mere presence was annoying and wanting affection used to piss her off and I think she really begrudged it. This dismissive-ness (for want of a better description) presented in other ways too. If I was ill or injured it was dismissed unless dad dealt with it, as a consequence some serious illnesses never got dealt with as a child because I thought it was normal and just sort of got on with coping.
I grew up feeling barely tolerated, unsure of and not very liked by my mum although have never doubted that she loved me. on the other hand, I was always close to my dad and although we have argued a lot over the years, have always felt very secure in where I stand with him.
A few years ago mum had a serious illness and nearly died, the mum that came out of that illness was completely different and I feel she has spent the time since trying to put right what she feels she did wrong when we were little. as an example any illness on our part involves lots of mother hen type clucking, lots of giving hugs, being interested and supportive of us and generally being a "proper mum". the thing is, I find it really weird, the hugs in particular I find uncomfortable although always reciprocate. I've chatted to my brothers and sisters about it too and they find it weird but sort of go along with it too, my dad definitely thinks mum has gone soppy in her old age but again goes along with it. objectively speaking, I think mum did her best given her circumstances and I don't want her to beat herself up about the past but welcome the fact that I have a lovely mum now.
there is a but, I think a consequence of this is that hold everyone at arms length and have some issues with intimacy. on a fairly superficial level I'm quite good at pretending and have no issues with (and like) hugs, kisses, even sex at a FWB level. However on a deeper level I really struggle, whether that's with trust or insecurity, I have problems with actual proper grown up relationships. It seems the pretending to be vaguely normal only gets me so far. Mostly I function better alone, have become really self-reliant and independent to the point of stubbornness. While this is practically speaking really comfortable, it is also lonely, and exacerbates the feeling of not "belonging".
after all of that, the question I wanted to ask is, if you have had a parent who was physically or emotionally detached from you when you were a child, what are you like with emotional and physical intimacy now? If you had challenges around this, how did you overcome them? it's just that I have a fair bit of insight into the root of the issue but no real idea of how to move forward.