MIL driving me up wall. AIBU?

[Coconutdog]

Hello,
I am a completely new first-timer at this but I just didn't know where to turn, what to do, and here's the super long story. Sorry if it's too long.

OH and I have our first child, my family is overseas far away so no way of having their support unfortunately, OH's mum who he does not get along with AT ALL but gets along wit his dad, has been comparing DS to my SIL to death. About EVERYTHING. Has repeated over three times how if SIL took my DS people would think he was HERS. He has her nose. He has a dimple like her. He has a BABIES nose!!

What's the problem? Last time I asked SIL if she could take care of DS for a while so I could rest, DS was 2 months, almost 4 months now. Anywho... SIL was staring at him so intently like she could really and honestly believe he was hers. All because they share the same hair colour. But guess what, so does he and his father!!

Last time we saw MIL she said that DIL wanted to take care of DS but we never asked for the help, we said we'd be busy. I get a missed phone call and text messages about SIL having DS. Made me feel sick to my stomach, are they trying to take over? am I just going crazy? SIL has kids under the age of 16 still in need of being raised and works full time. Unless we ask as an emergency, what was that about?

Things have been hard enough with OH diagnosed with severe depression but he works so hard to help me out. With losing my job during the last month of pregnancy. With my own family not being able to be with me or vice versa.

Again, I didn't know where to turn.. thanks for reading this.

Really, I don't think,there is anything wrong with your MIL comparing the physical characteristics of your ds to those of his aunt. I think people do tend to find that interesting.

Your SIL has offered to help you. As your dh is unwell and you do not have your own family around you.

Maybe she is taken with him and enjoys the fact he looks like her but overall it doesn't sound too bad.

grr.. it is a bit annoying. a thing grannies do though. A bit harder for you a you hae not got your mum saying he has your mouth and eyes..

I did not have a good relationship with mil, not terrible,but not good and it irritated when she pointed these things out. if the realtionship had been better it maynot have irritated so.

ds has my dad's nose. it was apparent from when he was small, (shape of nostrils) so I suppose that it is possible that ds looks like sil. does not make it less irritating though and a bit odd that she does not compare him to his father..

deep breaths. it is not too big a deal.

Hmm... do you feel you're almost being pushed into letting them borrow DS, as a spare for SIL rather than a genuine favour to you? How would they react if you simply ignored the hints? It does sound as though SIL may feel a bit broody if her own are a bit older and she kind of fancies another baby but can't really justify it/partner won't agree etc. This is not necessarily unhealthy... but it might be.

From what you have posted, it sounds as if you are massively overreacting.

I have a nephew - my sisters ds. Me and my sister are nothing alike, but dn has my colouring and personality wise is very like I was. He even has the same food likes/dislikes as me. My DM finds this amazing, as does my sister.
I have also taken dn out and been complimented on my 'lovely son who looks so much like his mother.' Again, Dsis was amused, there is no maliciousness on my part.

As for her offering to babysit when you haven't asked, I also do this. It's me building up a lovely relationship with my nephew because we're family. I love him a lot but am well aware he's not mine, I just like doing things with him that Dsis probably wouldn't (like hiking with my dogs / blackberry picking). I had these kind of relationships with my aunts and uncles and we're still close now. a child can really benefit from things like this and you can never have enough people loving and looking out for your baby.

They are your family, they are being quite normal. I think unless you gave missed something very important, you are being a little paranoid.

You sound at the end of your tether.

I think what you've described isn't that abnormal. It's a family trying to bond with your DS by noticing his similarity to them. It isn't the most sensitive way for them to do it, though, since they could compare him to your DP and not to your SIL. I wonder if your SIL is a bit of the 'golden' child as your mother and DP do not get on?

You've had a hell of a lot to deal with: your DP's depression, loss of your job, motherhood. It's a very destabilising time for you and your family, by the sounds of things. I am wondering if this environment is not a particularly good one for you to be in, and whether your concerns about this (which at first sight do seem an overreaction) actually reflect a deeper problem with feeling destabilized and insecure, particularly as your family who might 'ground' you are at a distance? I sense from your tone, not from anything that you have said, that you need a break and a bit of security in your life and that your in laws are not perhaps providing this.

I do feel like I'm put on the spot or cornered to comply to how they want things. Thanks very much for your reply

I think I wouldn't feel this way if it was family members who didn't treat my OH horribly for such a long time. The relationships have never been good and try as we might, soon as I leave the room, they round up on him so I don't really feel like I can trust them very much.

I have thought about opening up to them and pointing out these problems in as much of a peaceful manner as possible.

josephwrightofderby, I think you hit the problem right on the head. SIL is the golden child. I never had any problems with her, don't really care as she has nothing to do with me. Maybe I am paranoid from how we've been treated since being together. Things like how he should have gone for a local girl, how I'll leave him after a year of being engaged, etc. These kind of snide remarks and comments tend to stick in the back of my head.

Thanks for the replies

Ok, so with the info you've now added, you're reacting the way you are because they are horrible people! My relationship with my sister and nephew is good because there is no nastiness in it at all. It means it's easy to laugh when me and Dn are the only ones needing ketchup with everything or needing sun cream when it's a little cloudy (we both burn very easily). But if I was horrible about it, dsis would be right to not want me around.

Can you go temporarily no contact? Does DH actually like his parents if they round on him whenever he's on his own? That sounds bloody horrible by the way, especially knowing he has depression and needs as much support as possible at the moment. What sort of parent does that?

PS, as a tip on mn, always try and add some background info (like that your inlaws are horrible to your DH and make snide comments about you) in your op. It means the advice is better and no one can accuse you of drip feeding

Yes that's a good benchmark when posting a thread - but sometimes we're so confused we can't see the wood for the trees.

They sound like revolting people - it's no surprise your DH has severe depression. I know it's hard, especially as your family are abroad, but it would be better to get these horrible people out of your lives. Or at least severely limit when you see them (almost never).

Read up on toxic families. It'll be hard for DH to face the truth but better for him in the long run. He needs to get these people out of his life but you also don't want your kids being exposed to how awful his family are too both of you.

I see now I should have added more info about what they're like, but I wasn't too sure where it starts becoming TMI or airing my dirty laundry.

DH is only trying to re-build the bridge with his dad, but it's very tricky. I'm sure FIL used to be a lovely man before but after being with someone like his wife for so long, sometimes you may tend to adopt their nasty traits.

They've even asked me "Is he still depressed?" Welllllllll, depression is a long-time sickness. Maybe it's their generation, or the way they were raised that mental illnesses are silly in their opinion and people only do it for attention.

Believe me, I didn't know why he spoke of his mother this way before until I met them and saw it all. I had a pretty horrible childhood growing up, but now I'm in control whereas the MIL has shown she has always been in control and still wants to be.

But I have told DH if he wants to keep trying to rebuild with his dad, that I cannot leave him alone with them, I don't trust them. And I think they know if they cross the line with us, I won't let them get near LO.