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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My family

18 replies

Thunderblunder · 03/09/2015 12:56

To me, my family is my DH, DC and my parents and my brother. I don't consider my inlaws to be my family. I view them as DH and our DC'S family.
I haven't asked DH if he feels the same about my parents not being his family but it wouldn't bother me if he said he felt the same towards my family.
I care and worry about his parents and would hate for anything to happen to them both but I don't love them.
Does this make me odd and a heartless cow?
Does anybody else feel the same way as me regarding what they would describe as their family?

OP posts:

mummyneedinganswers · 03/09/2015 13:00

My dp family I do count as family but no don't love them. He count my family as family aswell. I would say it makes you a heartless cow but do find it slightly strange that you don't count them as family at all. I like to think that if something happened to dp I could still count them as family

pocketsaviour · 03/09/2015 13:06

But OP, when you married, didn't you see that as joining your families? I did. Although I can't say my family were exactly joyous at welcoming my H

Costacoffeeplease · 03/09/2015 13:09

Nope, his family are his family - nothing to do with me, thank god

His nephew is also his nephew, not mine

Olddear · 03/09/2015 14:25

His family are his. I take nothing to do with them. (Long story)

thecolourpink · 03/09/2015 19:36

I totally agree with you thunderblunder and understand where you're coming from.

Scoobydoo8 · 03/09/2015 20:09

I considered myself, DH and DCs as my family.

I was a step removed from my DPs by then and I encourage my adult DCs to think that way too. Inlaws are inlaws and you might be very close to them and you might not, just depends how well you hit it off.

RolyPolierThanThou · 03/09/2015 20:14

I do love my in laws and my dp's nieces (and we're not even married) but then again it's my family that are the dysfunctional ones. I prefer to spend eg Christmas with his parents and siblings than with either of my parents (though I get on well with my siblings, at least).

It really depends on the relationship you have. You can't expect to love them automatically. Why should you?

CheekyMaleekey · 03/09/2015 20:17

No - DH's parents, brother, SIL niece and nephew are his family, not mine.

Helpmeoutofthemaze · 03/09/2015 20:18

My MIL and FIL are my family (parents of my H)
My SIL (wife of my brother) is also my family.
I really do love all of them.

My BIL is a bit of a twat, but still he's family since he's my H's brother/son of mil/FIL.

GnomeDePlume · 03/09/2015 20:37

Thunderblunder I totally agree with you but I do think that nuclear family and extended family people stare at each other across a chasm of incomprehension.

Original poster

Thunderblunder · 03/09/2015 20:41

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Pocketsaviour - I'd been with DH over 20 years before we got married.

We do tend to operate on the MN ideal of he deals with his family and I deal with my family so maybe this is why I feel this way.

RolyPolier - We spend Christmas just me, DH and our DC. Always have done.

I did end up talking to DH about this this afternoon and he feels the same way about my family as I do about his so that's made me feel a bit better about my feelings.

OP posts:

TheRadiantAerynSun · 03/09/2015 20:46

I don't see DH's family as my family; I like them but I don't feel particularly connected to them. I just asked DH if he sees mine as his and (after saying, "that would be an ecumenical matter.") he said he sees my family as his.

I suppose we live closer to mine and see them more regularly (several times a month for mine, instead of a couple of times a year with his.)

OllyBJolly · 03/09/2015 20:54

I do think of the ILs as my family - and the PILs treat my DDs as grandchildren, even although they were late teenagers when they met.

My family are a bit more dysfunctional and some of them (brothers, sisters, aunts, cousins) will probably be "family" to DH, some (mother, sister) he hasn't met.

2rebecca · 03/09/2015 21:26

My inlaws are my husband's family, divorce taught me this. You can like people who aren't your family though and dislike people who are. I suspect if you've been married 30-40 years the distinctions are reduced.

Original poster

Thunderblunder · 04/09/2015 10:27

2rebecca - That's probably it. My parents divorced when I was younger so it became dad's family and mum's family so 2 seperate entities. I can see that that would have a bearing on how I view mine and DH's families.

OP posts:

Sansoora · 05/09/2015 05:14

We're all one big family. Seriously. We are.

GaryBaldy · 05/09/2015 05:36

PiL and I have tolerated one another over the years. I don't like them and they don't feel I'm good enough for their pfb.

We are in the process of separating and until this thread hadn't realised the joy that is never having anything to do with them again!

Blexie · 05/09/2015 05:56

Mil & fil are definitely family, dp's brother and his wife are not ( but we are nc with them) my dsis and bil are but my dbro and sil are not (minimal communication, very reluctantly). Dp does not veiw my niece as his but adores my nephews.
Exh's family were always his own.

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