I was married to xh for 12 years and we split up 5 years ago. The marriage was bad. He is an alcoholic and was emotionally absent/abusive and probably financially abusive. I was left quite traumatised. I've spent a lot of time working out why I married this man and why I stayed with him so long. I think it's because of my 2nd boyfriend. I had a great relationship with this guy when I was 17. We dated for 2 years, had loads of fun and were completely in love. I split up with him after I went to college and felt like I was going off in a different direction. A few weeks after we split up, on a drunken night out, he violently raped me. I never reported this, didn't process it for years, just moved away. Anyway looking back now, I realise this has had huge impacts on my self esteem, trust and judgement. After this, I had quite a lot of bad drunken sex with men I didn't know. A couple of which I really liked and built up hopes of relationships in my head, based in nothing; pursuing them embarrassingly. I rejected anyone who really liked me or was good to me. When I met my husband he treated me with no respect and kept me at arms length emotionally but said all the right things and was happy to be in a relationship with me. Perfect. We have 2 kids.
So, for the last 5 years my life has been all about my career and my children. I've lost contact with a number of friends and don't go out very often without the kids. I thought it was fine. I have had no desire at all to start another relationship. I don't want to share my life or complicate my kids lives. I don't need a man in any shape or form. And helpfully, my sex drive has vanished.
Until, I met this guy at work about 3 months ago. I have the BIGGEST crush ever. He is lovely and we have loads in common and I can't stop thinking about him. I can't eat or sleep...in quite an alarming way. I've lost half a stone in a week. I realise that my life isn't actually 'fine' at all and I would really like to go out with this guy and have some fun=. And sex. On the one hand, I am so pleased to feel like this whole dormant side of me has woken up. It died at some point during my marriage. It's really invigorating. I've got loads of interest in parts of life that were just passing me by..
So, I think I've decided to ask him out. But I'm really really scared he will say no. I'm not sure after having this kind of awakening, how I would cope with the rejection. I don't feel like I would just revert to how I was before. I don't even want to. But I really don't want to go plummeting to the depth of self loathing and ridicule, that I feel inevitable.
I'm also a bit scared, he might say yes...and that's due to body and sex confidence issues; post babies/over weight/been along time/history of bad sex/rape/can't remember what to do
Shit, that was long. I know this sounds fairly trivial, but I'm suffering anxiety over it and I need someone to talk me down/through it
Please. And thanks for reading