What's our future?

[Hicks1970]

I'm feel really stuck in a rut with my marriage. We've been together 16 years, married 10. 2 dc 8 and 9. We've just gradually drifted apart. Nothings particularly difficult, life is stressful at times but no big conflicts. We do some things as a family and other times our own thing. We don't go out alone anymore. We don't have anything to talk about other than the dc. Worst of all, no sex for 2 years now and somehow ended up in separate rooms for the last few which started because of sleepless dc and has just carried on. We don't have any affection anymore and I can't see how we back track from this situation. Anyone else here / been here?

I'm sorry. Do you still fancy him or does he make your skin crawl?

Have you asked him about this and discuss if you both want to make the effort to regain your connection?

Not much point in continuing if either of you aren't happy with this but both of you aren't prepared to work in change.

I think I just feel indifferent. I know I'm not very positive about him, quite critical if I'm honest, it's often just how I feel.

I don't think either of us knows what to say. I've got a comfortable life so I guess I don't want to give that up. I don't feel I want to be intimate with him but can't see how we do this for the rest of our lives.

How important is your marriage to you. Ie. Are you religious? Have you tried living apart for a bit? I appreciate that its hard to work out what to do as you have young children. Perhaps you could have some counselling or go to Relate. Have you told your other half how you feel.? Sorry for all my questions. X

I think questions are helpful. We're not religious and we haven't tried being apart. I think there are things we don't like about each other now. Everything stays the same. We're plodding on but I know we can't do this forever.

The thing is...marriage or long term relationships aren't like fairytales. I think you really need to work to keep things going. Have you thought what you might do or where you might go if you do leave.? Also have you thought about how to explain this to your children. My parents split when I was 15. I know it had to happen. My mum stayed as long as she could but sometimes you can't fix things. Have you spoken to a close friend or relative about how you feel?