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Relationships

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Original poster

Getting married for practical reasons?

18 replies

LuisSuarezTeeth · 31/08/2015 12:32

DP and I were discussing this the other day. We live apart at the moment in separate countries and I am due to join him next year. He is worried that if we are not married and anything happens to him, I will not be eligible for his pension.

We are both still married to our previous partners (both separated for about 3 years) and would obviously need to get divorced first. I'm not particularly bothered about marriage itself, but I do take his point, because the country we will be living in has strict rules around issues like pension beneficiaries.

I'm not sure how I feel about it all really, I'm neither excited nor offended by the idea.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 31/08/2015 12:35

How old are you both? Does he do a high-risk job?

How long have you been together?

Original poster

LuisSuarezTeeth · 31/08/2015 12:39

I'm 41, he is 50. He is not in a high risk job I don't think - office based. Been together 2 years.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 31/08/2015 12:55

I think it sounds sensible, particularly if you are moving to a different country (are you even allowed to move there if you are not married?). Presumably you love him enough to live with him so why not get married?

Lots of people get married for very practical reasons I did and I would say that my DH feels the same.

I used to be a Trustee on a company pension scheme and it all gets very complicated when people die without leaving a married spouse - common law partners DO NOT have any rights to pensions etc.

Smorgasboard · 31/08/2015 13:13

Bit of an odd thing to worry about only 2 years into a long distance relationship, unless a high risk country. Marriage may be needed for you to stay in the country.
How much pension you could get of course, depends on how much he would need to give his wife upon divorce. Likewise, you may well have some of your exH's pension on divorce, so it's not like you won't have any pension when you get to the right age, which is at least 20+ years off for you! As you know, a lot can happen in that time, you may not even be together by then, which makes the whole thing an irrelevance to a degree.
There are loads of other aspects of your life together to sort out yet, not least 2 divorces. Perhaps you could re-visit your wishes to marry or not when you are in a position to legally do so. Seems a little pointless to concern yourself with such things at this stage.

Original poster

LuisSuarezTeeth · 31/08/2015 13:20

We don't have to get married for me to live there as he will be my "sponsor" and I'll be working. He has already given his wife the settlement (done legally) and my ex doesn't have a pension. I suppose we are thinking about it now because he has had some major health concerns and he wants to ensure I don't get left with nothing. I will likely have a very small pension and am not a high earner, whereas he is.

There is a lot to plan and think about between now and next summer and the time goes so quick!

OP posts:

Original poster

LuisSuarezTeeth · 31/08/2015 13:21

Smorgas it hasn't always been long distance, only the last 12 months

OP posts:

Changeschangechangeagain · 05/09/2015 22:55

I was not allowed to arrange the funeral of my long term ex-partner as we split up shortly before he died. We hadn't really split up belongings etc.

We remained close and would possibly got back together if he'd lived.

I was not really in a state to arrange the funeral, and it was arranged by his mum pretty much how he wanted anyway so I was happy with the arrangements.

I did not get on with his mum and she excluded me from certain decisions about shared belongings that had no relevance to her. Birthdays presents he'd got for me etc, my university notes, my work log books etc. She threw out things that were precious to us.

If we'd been married it would have been easier in some ways and harder in others.

CalleighDoodle · 05/09/2015 22:56

Yes get married. If
Thats whaf you want. It is for practical
Reasons. It is a legal ceremony afterall

goddessofsmallthings · 05/09/2015 23:24

As you've both been separated for more than 2 years, what's stopping you seeking to divorce with the consent of your respective spouses?

Wingedharpy · 05/09/2015 23:27

We got married for practical reasons - madly in love ( obviously!) - been married for nearly 40 years now!
People marry all the time for less "sensible" reasons.
PS. I wasn't fussed either way, but have to say, it's the best thing I ever did!

Morganly · 05/09/2015 23:31

It sounds like you do need to get married for your own protection as you are following him to this country where he is your sponsor so you are entirely dependent upon him and therefore need the legal protection that marriage will bring. However, just check that marriage in whatever country this is does not remove your ability to act independently. For example, there are some ME countries where you would not be able to leave the country without your husband's permission.

321rd · 05/09/2015 23:37

Tbh practical reasons were the only ones why we got married. I obvs love my DH, but had a DD, mortgage and being married didn't matter to either of us at all. Then something happend to a member of my family which showed what a mess things can turn into if one person does die and they were common law husband & wife.

BertieBotts · 05/09/2015 23:40

Yes I would despite the hassle. We got married because of living abroad and it's definitely been worth it. We would have got married anyway, but pushed it through because of this and I'm glad we did.

lavenderhoney · 06/09/2015 00:27

See a solicitor about what would happen should he pass away or you. And also find out what happens to your assets should you divorce. You need an experienced international divorce lawyer. Tie up all assets you have and may have to your DC and make very sure ( you need a letter from a lawyer) that they won't be affected.

If he files in his county, after a year, you might find you have fuck all. And get booted out. Be very careful.

It seems weird he is worried about his pension tbh. He can name you as a beneficiary without marrying you. Where are you planning to go and live?

CointreauVersial · 06/09/2015 00:39

We got married for practical reasons. Pensions, the fact that I was a SAHM and had put my career on hold to bring up DCs.... I would have been left very exposed if anything had happened to DP.

Nothing wrong with that.

Skiptonlass · 06/09/2015 08:37

It's a very sensible reason (as long as you love each other!)

We did it too - I'm an expat and it gives me another layer of legal protection.

Marriage isn't all about frothy white frocks and massive weddings - it's also a financial and practical contract.

Original poster

LuisSuarezTeeth · 06/09/2015 14:35

Yes we love each other very much.
Thanks for the replies.

His pension can only have a spouse as beneficiary, not a named person.

OP posts:

CityDweller · 06/09/2015 14:52

We got married at the time we did for practical reasons (so we could both live in the same country). We'd been together 3-years and it was always on the cards, we just did it a little sooner than we might otherwise have done. In fact, we had a quick, secret courthouse/registry office wedding to get the visa application going and then got married officially about 5 months later.

Still together, 11.5 years (and 2 DC) on.

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