Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone dealt with separation/divorce if he refuses to move out?

10 replies

AubergineDusk · 27/08/2015 20:03

I have told my H I want to separate (and ultimately divorce). He doesn't want this and is currently insisting he will not move out. He also doesn't want me to move out either. Basically he just doesn't want us to part though he says he knows that as it's what I want then it's inevitable.

I am hoping we can come to an agreement in time (hopefully not too long a time) but, what if we can't?

We have 2 DC's aged 12 and 8.

I can afford to buy him out of the house and he can afford to buy me out. Neither of us want the children to have to move house and it makes no sense financially to sell the house.

Has anyone got experience of a similar situation?

OP posts:
MyGastIsFlabbered · 27/08/2015 20:06

Going through this at the moment. STBXH left for a week then insisted on moving back in. His behaviour led to me having a breakdown so there was no way I was going to live with him. I took my kids and stayed with my dad until I found somewhere to rent. I'm still in rented accommodation. We're going to mediation at the moment and he's refusing to even have the house valued so we're not really making any progress.

Hithere820 · 27/08/2015 20:24

I've told my H to leave just yesterday and he will not go! Says he doesn't want to. I don't want to leave, mine and my DCs things are all here. I don't know what to do..

pocketsaviour · 27/08/2015 20:32

Speak to a solicitor, or several of them, at some free half hour appointments and find out where you stand. There will be options, but you might have to hang in there and tough it out for a bit. If he can afford to buy you out, and you are intending to be the primary resident parent, then it makes sense for him to go.

How long ago did you tell him it was over? He might need a while to wrap his head round it and think about what's best for DC.

Wando · 27/08/2015 22:03

Yes get legal advice as soon as possible and try ( as long as he is sensible) to arrange a time without the DCs to discuss the practicalities of this. I would leave it at least a week otherwise emotions are likely to be too raw to have a proper grown up conversation.

Original poster
AubergineDusk · 29/08/2015 13:53

It's been several weeks and we have had one discussion away from the DC's. He's in denial for sure.

I've taken legal advice and the solicitor didn't think it was a big deal that he was saying he wouldn't leave - he just said that the house would need to be sold as part of the financial settlement or one of us buys the other out.

I don't want to start divorce proceedings and inflame the situation for the sake of the DC's. He is the kind of person to go off on one and say/do things he later regrets.

We have said that we need to talk more. I am trying to give him time to get his head round things but at the same time I get worried about the lack of progress and about his insistence that he won't go. I am not prepared to leave without the children.

OP posts:
DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 29/08/2015 13:59

What do you need to talk more about?

Has he taken that to mean that you'll talk more about whether you separate or not? Have you made it crystal clear there will be no reconciliation? Do you know how long you're prepared to wait for him to 'get his head around things'?

goddessofsmallthings · 29/08/2015 14:51

I don't want to start divorce proceedings and inflame the situation for the sake of the DC's. He is the kind of person to go off on one and say/do things he later regrets.

If this is the case, he's got you by the short and curlies and you'll be in the same situation this time next year - and the year after.

As 'talking more' is unlikely to move him on, or out, you're best advised to break the deadlock by telling him that you intend to instruct solicitors to petition for divorce this coming week and if he goes off on one call the police.

If neither of you want the dc to have to move home, it makes sense for whoever is the primary carer to buy the other out and this can be agreed between you now or negotiated through mediation.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 30/08/2015 08:11

You have 2 options:

  1. Proceed with the divorce.

  2. Give in and stay with him.

There is no easy option where you say some magic words and he happily prances off into a rental flat, where he quietly agrees to a perfectly fair and reasonable divorce settlement.

If you really want freedom then you have to pull up your big girl pants, grit your teeth and prepare for a rough ride to get there.

Charis1 · 30/08/2015 08:15

Yep, you don't want to hear this, but I know of three situations like this where the estranged couple have still been under the same roof 20 or 30 years later.

That needn't happen to you though, as you are in a position financially to leave.

Reubs15 · 30/08/2015 09:12

I think the usual advice is not to leave thr house as it puts you in a worse position. Selling up and splitting your assests is probably best. You don't want the kids to move but unfortunately it looks like it's necessary

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread