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Original poster

Have you ever had a friend that became more than a friend?

16 replies

bodenbiscuit · 11/08/2015 00:22

I have a friend that I've known for about 10 years and recently I had sex with him. I am not sure how this will pan out though because he lives 3 hours from me. Plus my complicated life means relationships are hard to maintain. Before this I had sex with an abusive person which really damaged my sexuality and I can't believe the difference of how it was with him.

He said he wants to have more time to put our minds and bodies together. Do these situations ever work out?

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 11/08/2015 01:18

What? !! FFS.

Give him all the time he needs by ignoring him for at least three months ( yes, even a birthday) doing the freedom program, concentrating on your own wellbeing and ignoring said " friend"

do you have DC? Do you mean they complicate your life?

ARV1981 · 11/08/2015 01:43

I married one of my best friends. When we first got together we lived 3-4 hours apart, and had a long distance thing for a bit. We've been together for five years, married for two and are expecting our first child in September.

Before that, I'd been in an abusive relationship for nearly ten years.

Everyone is different, but definitely friends can become so much more.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 11/08/2015 04:19

No, I don't mean that my children complicate my life - a lot of people have children. I don't really understand your post lavender. I just don't have much time for relationships.

This person is a really good man. But he is actually one of my best friends. And one of the few people in the world who understands me so I would hate to lose him.

OP posts:
Tonicandgin · 11/08/2015 04:43

I was friends with Dh for a year before we got together. Worked amazingly for us, I was also in an abusive relationship before then..theme to this thread?!

I was single and not willing to let anyone in after my experience and gave me chance to suss him out.

It can work, but unless you're serious about it I wouldn't blur the lines between sex and friendship personally. And be really honest about your feelings or you could risk your friendship.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/08/2015 04:54

Yes, I had a brief relationship with a friend. We'd been friends for years, got together, it didn't really work out as a relationship but we stayed friends afterwards. I even went to his wedding, and he came to mine.

BUT I think we were lucky. I know more people where adding sex into it has ruined the friendship when the relationship hasn't worked out. But also know some where they ended up married to their friend, so it can go any way, really! (not helpful).

I don't understand Lavender's response - unless she's reading something different into the last bit of your OP than I am - sounds to me like he's saying he wants to spend more time with you to pursue this as a relationship, is that right?

I think there are benefits from being friends first in that you don't try so hard to impress a friend as you would in a new relationship, they know more about the "dark" side of you than a new lover would, and they still like you, so that can help too.

What do you want from this? Friend with benefits? Or for it to mature into a proper relationship?

TheFullMinty · 11/08/2015 05:46

I suppose the question is more are you ready to take the risk of developing a relationship? Ideally you need to be secure and recovered from your abusive relationship before starting something new, but if he's a good friend he'll understsnd that and the need to take things at your pace, however slow that may need to be. It doesn't have to be now or never.

A friendship is a great basis for a partnership in my opinion but that's because it worked out well for me when I was in your shoes.

Philoslothy · 11/08/2015 05:59

Yes, I married him. We met at university. I was always a bit in love with him. i remember being very nervous at the start of our relationship because his friendship meant so much to me. I was also very close to his first wife - we were "the 3 musketeers at university - mainly because we were the only normal people - so had an awful lot to lose.

Our marriage is rock solid because it is based on friendship - however it would have been awful if it went wrong and we lost our friendship.

I am not sure your "friend" sounds like a great friend to be honest, that is a very strange remark.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 11/08/2015 09:09

Well I haven't bothered dating anyone else for quite a long time because the last man was so damaging.

I felt that what he meant was he wanted us to spend more time together to get to know each other but not just physically. He has said that he thinks I keep people, even people I consider good friends at arms length. I think this is true - I avoid social situations and I tend to avoid telling people private things about myself or my family. We did talk about all this before it happened because we had already noticed we had developed different feelings that what we had or acknowledged before.

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 11/08/2015 09:09

Thanks for replies by the way.

OP posts:
ARV1981 · 11/08/2015 09:17

If he means he wants to take it slow, and allow you time to heal then I say go for it - he sounds lovely.

My husband wanted us to take it slow at first for exactly this reason. I thought he was playing games with me at first, but he really wasn't! I guess I was just so used to emotional abuse it's what I expected. I too keep people at arm's length, to do with decades of bullying - from primary school right up to and including the abuse I suffered from my ex. I find it very difficult to trust people.

ShortandSweeter · 11/08/2015 09:35

One of my best friends declared her love for me when I was with my previous partner. It did cause a problem and we are no longer friends, sadly. We are both married to different people so she's happy now, but it took a while I think.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 11/08/2015 10:08

I think that obviously, you can't predict the future but we also wouldn't have been able to just ignore the fact that the friendship seemed to have changed.

Someone mentioned the freedom programme above. In actual fact, I self referred myself to do this and I have been waiting a year now with no word of when I will be able to start the course.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 11/08/2015 10:52

Have you chased up the FP organisers, OP? If not I wonder if your name got lost off the list or something. I've never heard of a year's delay.

WRT your friend - I would say go for it, but the distance you live would certainly complicate matters. How often would you be able to meet?

Joysmum · 11/08/2015 10:58

My DH was my best friend. I didn't see him in 'that' way until he made a move and it was amazing.

He'd been one of my best mates since I was 15/16 and we got together when I was 20 and lived together immediately, then married 3.5 years later. We've been together 23 years and it's still as exciting now as it was back then.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 11/08/2015 11:07

Yes maybe they've just forgotten my case - I suppose I should call them and find out what's happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 11/08/2015 11:07

We would only be able to meet every other week.

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