DM won't help - need to rant here olease

[frazmum]

DM lives long distance away & staying with us for 2 months holiday. We came back from 2 weeks in Europe with us, her & MIL in early hours on Friday morning. Woken by DH after only 3 hours sleep as he had severe ear infection. In last 2 days have spent 12 hours @ A&E with him and DD21 (another ear infection). During this time also picked up dog, grocery shop, prepared meals, washing etc.

She has hung out 1 load of washing. Rest of time sat with her feet up watching me race around & DH in extreme pain. Even got DD18 to make her a sandwich today. Has not offered to help look after younger DCs.

This is pretty typical of her as 'she's on holiday'. Even when not her world revolves around her. How can you watch your family struggling & not help.

If I say anything will just get tears. She goes home in a week so not worth it. Sorry for rant but couldn't keep it in any longer.

Poor you and poor DH. Earache is agony.
You can either ignore her, she'll be gone in a week
Or
Tell her straight. Look Mum, I'm struggling here, I need some help. But you'll have to deal with any fallout for a week.
I hope DH is better soon.

Hopefully be easier today. Has to be as I'm back at work. if she wasn't going back to her country in a week I would say something.

On holiday we asked if she could cook dinner one night. DM did but made such a fuss over how difficult it was cooking in a strange kitchen we didn't ask again. Of course it was fine for DH & I to do it.

Tell her her holiday has to now be self-catering due to staff shortages :p

Your mother can likely turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat. They are used by people like your mother for manipulative purposes and to stop the person asking further questions.

You need firm and consistent boundaries re your mother because they are far too low and she has taken full advantage of you and your family. Why are you showing everyone that it is apparently ok for you and by turn your own family unit to be treated in such manner?. You do not readily challenge her because of the tears she will shed. Your mother has indeed trained you well to serve her.

Put mental as well as physical distance between you now. Do not readily invite her ever again into your home for any length of time.

I can usually cope as we live on opposite sides of the world. Between her & narc father who I'm pretty much NC with it makes my life a lot more pleasant as don't have to cope with dramas.

She usually visits every couple of years so won't see her for a while.

DH can't believe how self centred she is. Just before she was getting my DD to make her lunch yesterday DH was at point of passing out with pain. This is the same lady that left me at 6 weeks old to go on a business trip with my father. Her behaviour will never change. I know what can is my reaction & usually my coping strategies work. Am good at setting boundaries. It's just this weekend was very stressful, I was tired so it got to me. My DC's do see her for what she is, her loss.

I strongly suggest you don't invite her back...

Maybe you should tell her the doctors at the hospital have said the ear infections are terribly contagious and of particular danger to the elderly...?

She won't be wanting to visit for another 2 years so can put off that discussion for a while. Also I suspect the lack of attention she feels she's received on this holiday may delay that more.

Sad though that I'm counting down days till she leaves. Why can't adults just behave!!

It sounds to me like your coping strategy is to give in to her. If she wants to visit again direct her to a hotel