WWYD?

[onthering]

I have a healthy disrespect for a lot of threads in Relationships, I tend to think of it as troll central. So not sure what I am doing here, and its all a bit tame tbh, but here goes.

Me and DP have been together for about 5 years. The spark seems to have gone. I always expected him to go back to his exDW (for what its worth, she left him for someone else, I wasn't the OW, I picked up the pieces). Her relationship is falling apart, she now seems to always be in the house with DP and the kids when I'm not there (he's been the RP since she left, they are older teenagers with their own lives, not really children).

I think he wants her back. I think someone else is interested in me. I could be wrong about both things, but I suspect not. I have to take the bad guy hit and call it quits don't I? Is there really any alternative?

How long have you been together? How "entwined" are you? (Living together, joint finances, mutual children, etc...)

Sorry, just spotted the "5 years"

finances very separate, no mutual children. We both have our own homes but spend a lot of time in each others. Separating wouldn't be difficult at all from a practical point of view, its just the emotional stuff.

I think I can either wait for DP, who will find it difficult to end it, because that's the way he is. It could take months. Or I have to do it, because I can see the writing on the wall. And maybe there is, or maybe there isn't someone else.

First world problem.

Do you love dp? It doesn't sound like you're bothered very much. If you don't love him then yes you should end it. It doesn't make you the bad guy. It makes you the grown up. Life's too short.

OK, then, not a lot of practical things stopping you from separating, if that's what you want. And, of course, your emotions are important, but they're yours to manage.

I think you need to take a bit of time to yourself, figure out what you really want, either as regards this guy or in general. Go clear your head a bit.

What you don't want to do, however, is any form of The Pick Me Dance . If what's stopping you from parting is any idea that his ExW might "win", you're looking at it all wrong. Do what makes you happy (disclaimer: this is based on the belief that you have no children/dependants - if you do, please modify that sentence )

I would end it. Sounds like its coming to an end anyway.

BTW, "first world problem" is a disparaging term the patriarchy people use to keep women down. Don't give it that power. Pursue your happiness.

It may be a first world problem, but it's a bit shit, really. I hope you're ok.

Bite the bullet and end it, why will you be seen as the 'bad' one?

You've got a life so live it and be happy.

That is a rubbish situation for you . I think you should have a very frank conversation with him. Time to lay cards on the table so you can both make informed decisions rather than decisions based on what you think the other is thinking. But the key question is; Do you want out?

"BTW, "first world problem" is a disparaging term the patriarchy people use to keep women down. Don't give it that power. Pursue your happiness."

bollocks, its not about keeping the (little) woman down!

re the op - if you're not happy then move on, make the break, dont worry about being the bad guy

First World problem
noun informal
plural noun: First World problems
a relatively trivial or minor problem or frustration (implying a contrast with serious problems such as those that may be experienced in the developing world).
"it's a First World problem, but still if you're staying at a 5-star resort you expect some decent service"

I'd end it. Don't wait for him to get round to it. It's not working for you. End of story.

Hi Onthering,
Sorry to hear you are facing this,I am in a very similar situation myself & have just broken up as can see no way forward.

It's easy to say no dcs,separate finances makes it was easier but the emotional side is SO hard.

With my DP (should I say ex), I know there is a very strong guilt that he drove his XW away & in some way wants to be able to put this right,even though I've tried to reason with him that they've been divorced 7 years & she's a different person now (not that he will be drawn to discuss much on this front).

I have a friend who's DH kept going back to XW for same reason,never worked though!...so that's why he's her DH now.

Maybe something to do with macho pride? I knew when my XH left me for is that was The End,no going back,no 'pick me dance'.

Anyway,sorry OP. Break up,block & move on. Let him deal with his issues & you may find life gets better....or you may find someone more open to having concerns for you alone.

Left me for OW (grrrr tablet auto correct)

Don't do the thing where you make the other person hate you so they end it. It's horrible.
Don't re-write history either.
Just tell him this isn't working for you anymore and then leave it at that.
Don't play games.

Just dump and walk away. Life is too short to bother with trying to 'fix' a couple-relationship when you have separate homes and no mutual DC. There are plenty of other men out there (even if you are getting on a bit) and single life is far, far more enjoyable than grinding away at 'making this relationship work.'

Thanks for the responses everyone. I think its time for a frank discussion.

I won't get into any pick me dances, and game playing really isn't my thing. I just need to talk to him.I just feel a bit sad about it.

Are you interested in the person who may be interested in you?

Is that why you think that you will be labelled as the bad guy?