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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Overreacting or good reason to be annoyed?

17 replies

Mummydyb · 27/07/2015 19:46

Me and my partner of 5 years have moved away together with our 3 year old for a fresh start. Having had a bumpy relationship we wanted some chill out time to enjoy one another. One of our 'bumps' has been his need for other girls attention- be it texting or using Facebook to 'talk' to other girls- claiming we are no longer together etc. sound like trivial teenage stuff? He is in his 40's. Anyway... 6 months into our move and things are going well.. He hates his jobs for has been looking for something else and has been offered something today.
His phone went off (he says it's an open book but I rarely look.. But today I was intrigued) so the message reads 'who am I going to fancy at work now? Xx'
No messages before or after...
He swears blind he has no idea who it is and must be the lads messing around.. Possibly a gay one that always jokes he has a crush?
I'm devastated but not sure if I'm brig ridiculous

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2015 19:52

I wouldn't believe a word he says, tbh.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/07/2015 19:53

No. He has form for this. He's out of order.

Hissy · 27/07/2015 19:54

Texting other women is not a bump, is that what he's convinced you it is?

You think it's ok??

Ultimatum - pack it in, or pack up and go?

Chocoholicmonster · 27/07/2015 19:54

Considering part of the reason for the big upheaval & move was because of his need for female attention (to the extent he's even told people you are no longer together - deal breaker right there!!) I really wouldn't trust that he has no idea who this is. He's clearly been texting someone & has removed the messages - hence why there's no others. I certainly wouldn't say you're being ridiculous.

Original poster

Mummydyb · 27/07/2015 19:57

No don't think it's okay at all..
That's why we moved. I gave him a massive ultimatum and genuinely thought things were going well :(

OP posts:

newnamesamegame · 27/07/2015 19:57

No. You are not over-reacting. Not remotely.

Frankly, your relationship was over when he told other women you were no longer together. That's not "trivial, teenage stuff", that's a massive dealbreaker.

I'm sorry that you've moved away for a fresh start and I'm sorry to be blunt but the problem is not where you live or anything like that, the problem is your partner. A man who respects and loves his partner doesn't tell other random women on the internet he is single. End of.

I think you know that you are right to be devastated and should take steps to separate, but you have to come to this decision in your own time. Sorry this is happening, it sounds very unpleasant.

Findtheoldme · 27/07/2015 19:59

Reply as him. See what comes back.

He's a pillock btw.

Original poster

Mummydyb · 27/07/2015 20:03

Does anybody think there is any way back from this?

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 27/07/2015 20:06

For me, there wouldn't have been after the first time, so sorry, but no

newnamesamegame · 27/07/2015 20:08

Mummydyb it depends what you mean by "a way back". If you mean can you carry on with him then yes you probably can. If you're prepared to accept that you will never really trust him, will be looking over your shoulder, will be either checking his phone or wanting to check his phone whenever you're together. I'm sure he'd been happy to stay with you on this basis.

If your question is can you have a relationship with this man based on mutual trust and respect where you feel totally relaxed about what he's doing and his commitment to you, I'm afraid I think its going to be a stretch.

He's got himself into a situation where he thinks he can get away with this sort of thing because he hasn't been held to account. You could try shocking him out of his complacency by leaving, or asking him to, and showing him what he's missing. It might work or it might not. You may find, as a lot of women do, that once you're on your own you realise he wasn't worth the grief.

But if you carry on avoiding facing the problem it will happen again. Sorry to be harsh, I've been in your situation. And putting your head in the sand is a fast way to guarantee that it won't get better.

wallaby73 · 27/07/2015 20:15

The minute you are issuing ultimatums is where you should be ending it surely. "The lads messing about"......i have read so many threads on here of men being caught out claiming it was "the lads"....yet i've never known, in real life, a man taking the mobile of another and for a hilarious jape, has sent "jokey texts" to the wife / partner. It just doesn't happen. Sorty OP, he's taking you for a fool

wallaby73 · 27/07/2015 20:20

Why would you want "a way back" with this man? "Because i love him" is not enough, nor that you have a child. You would be subjugating yourself, and in your continuance of the relationship, you are saying that his behaviour isn't actually a dealbreaker for you. I've a feeling you can do soooo much better. He doesn't sound like a prince.

Cabrinha · 27/07/2015 20:58

Why would moving away hard changed his shitty personality?
Seems an odd thing to do.

Like a PP, I've never had a male friend think it's funny to send texts like that to a friend. The only people I've known blame a mate having a laugh for something like that, are lying cheats like my XH.

Who stills insists it was computer illiterate mate who borrowed his laptop to fix it who sent an email to a woman on line 'for a laugh'. The email in question having several of my ex's typical spelling mistakes so hats off to his mate for putting in the effort for authenticity

Sorry lovey, he's at it again. Because he didn't lose you over it last time.

pocketsaviour · 27/07/2015 21:24

I would ring the number the message came from. Just to see the look on his face. I'm evil like that though.

OP... I think you know it's over, right? I'm assuming monogamy is a deal-breaker for you as you issued an ultimatum last time. Also, ultimatums only work if you follow through.

He sounds very immature. An attention seeker.

Hissy · 27/07/2015 23:30

No.

You don't ring the number, you don't pretend to be him, you do sweet FA.

You merely tell the H that he's rumbled, he's betrayed the family and needs to leave while you work out what you want next.

The best way of getting the little shot to spill the beans is to fold your arms and tell him to start talking or start packing. Let him fill the silence.

Betty2012 · 28/07/2015 20:53

What does your other half do for his job op? I hope you are ok

Only1scoop · 28/07/2015 20:57

Have you been in his company since you told him you have seen the message? If so text it back pertaining to be him.

I wouldn't believe a word he says given his previous form.

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