Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

When would you expect to start loving someone?

19 replies

quirkycutekitch · 23/07/2015 19:27

In a new relationship when would you expect the love to come? And would you have a limit - for example after 6 months would you end it if there was no love?

I'm very much in the smitten phase at the moment - but hoping it will turn to love!

OP posts:

TokenGinger · 23/07/2015 19:37

I questioned this for a while with my current partner. We've been together 7 months and I love him, but he does not love me. At first, it bothered me. However, his adoration for me is clear. His actions towards me make me feel treasured, he's planning long-term things with me (holiday) and his happiness is apparent.

I came to the realisation that, I believe we feel the same for each other. I believe our feelings are just as intense as the others, we both have a mutual care for the other person, yet we label it as different things. My threshold is clearly lower and I label it as love. Whereas, that level of feeling doesn't yet reach the "love" cohort just yet.

I thought about this one day when I tried some of his drink. It was far too sweet for me! He said it was fine for him. We were both tasting the exact same thing, but for me, it was too sweet, and for him, it was just right. We had different thresholds.

So in answer to putting a timeframe on it, I'm not so sure. It could just be a case of having equally mutual feelings but labelling it differently.

FolkGirl · 23/07/2015 20:04

I have a question to add, how ould you know that you loved them?

I've thought I've 'loved' a couple of times, or at least ben very close to it. But my feelings have switched off very quickly when they have betrayed me.

So I'm guessing I didn't love them!

Token that is an interesting way of looking at it.

brokenhearted55a · 23/07/2015 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FolkGirl · 23/07/2015 21:33

I don't think it would be possible to fall in love by date 4. How would you know someone well enough?

brokenhearted55a · 23/07/2015 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HuckfromScandal · 23/07/2015 21:38

Marking my place
Been going out with bf for 3 months
He makes me laugh
he makes me feel beautiful/cherished/wanted/needed. I miss him when I am not with him. I. Want to share small insignificant parts of my day with him, and want to hear about small things in his day.

We haven't said love yet, but I love him. What I know of him.
But then - we can be with someone for years and years and not know them, just look at the relationship boards!!
I am taking a risk and a leap of faith.
Definitely in love

Singleandproud · 23/07/2015 21:41

I think the 'love' feeling you get at the beginning of a relationship are your hormones/chemicals/pheromones or whatever you want to call them coming into action.

I think proper love is when you would put them/ their feelings as a priority. The sort of love when you'd run into a burning building or look after them during a terminal illness or life changing injury and I think that takes years to develop.

IcecreamHavoc · 23/07/2015 21:43

I loved him after two months. I knew he loved me before he told me. He knew after less than six months. Been together nearly twenty years now .

dementedma · 23/07/2015 21:46

I don't think that sort of love takes years to develop. The person I loved most deeply in my relationships, is the person I knew I loved when he first kissed me. I'm not with him, for various reasons, but he is still the person I love more than any other!

SmashingInAthleticWear · 23/07/2015 22:05

Ahh... it hasn't even been three months for me and I'm head over heels. I came over all funny the other week when he played me one of my favourite songs on his guitar. Sigh. I'm not going to say it until he does though. Until then I shall just quiver quietly and feel all vulnerable

Original poster

quirkycutekitch · 24/07/2015 09:42

It's interesting that a couple of people have said 3 months - that's where I am now - we've just started meeting each others families - but haven't met any friends yet & he hasn't met my DS - so at the moment we're very much in a bubble of just 'us' which is lovely - but not real life if that makes sense.

How do you know when you love someone - it's hard to discribe you just feel it!

OP posts:

MyGastIsFlabbered · 24/07/2015 09:45

I'm at the three months stage now-we're not in love. I really like him, I think he really likes me. We enjoy spending time together but love hasn't come in to it yet. At first I was bothered by the thought of him saying I love you, now it doesn't bother me so much. We're just going to see how it goes.

TheStoic · 24/07/2015 09:53

Love comes gradually to me, or not at all.

Lust is instant, however. Or not at all...

I've been seeing someone for 8 months, and I like and care for him more and more every time we see each other and the more I learn about him. I'm not sure when that will officially be called 'love'.

Cabrinha · 24/07/2015 11:03

I hate to sound like a wailing teenager, but... I have no idea what love is.
And when I have sexual attraction, lots of laughing, shared values, liking time together, wanting him more than anyone else or being single, respect, kindness... then, I roll with it. I don't much care these days for trying to work out if it's "love".

lavenderhoney · 24/07/2015 15:34

it comes over time, I think. I mean you can fall in love and fall out of it.

It's acceptance perhaps - I had the discussion with an exbf once about care of they became incapable and he said I'd be amazing. We are still friends and he often reminds me:) we are very open about how we love each other. It's a given - like knowing your brother or sister will step in and expect nothing and just be kind. Neither of us have family left.

I was dating someone recently whom I liked very much but they have huge challenges in their life so we have stopped. I think I would have easily loved them, given the chance. However it's not to be and I, at least, will move on.

Life is not a dress rehearsal.

moopymoodle · 24/07/2015 16:48

Takes me about 2 years. Sure the lust and excitement and joy has been on and off from the start. But I knew I loved him when I new I couldn't live without him. When he's ill and I get similar fears of losing him. Can't explain it really but its very much similar to the love I have for my children but also with ebs and flows of passion and chemistry.

We often see love described in two ways. Exciting and passionate and you crave that person and they make you so happy, romantic love.

Then there's the other kind where you feel you never want to lose them, your more concerned about making them happy and keeping them safe.

I guess once the honeymoon stage passes you have a mixture of both of the above.

BertieBotts · 24/07/2015 16:52

I have always felt love pretty early on in relationships. What doesn't come until later is the trust, security, and familiarity of knowing somebody well which come with time. Perhaps some consider that to be their definition of love? I don't know. Love is more emotional than that for me. When I was a teenager I was constantly "in love" with people I barely knew at all! I don't get that any more but it did feel really strong at the time.

MyDogAteMyBelt · 24/07/2015 16:54

By 3 months I was usually feeling something strongly. Maybe I wouldn't have labelled it "love", but I knew it was more than just fun or something short lived. Once or twice I knew after a few weeks that I was feeling love, or at least I loved what I knew of the person at that point.

rouxlebandit · 24/07/2015 17:50

OP, you are asking a question that has no answer. I've been married for over 30 years to a woman who is beautiful in every way and we are always telling each other: "I love you." But I still couldn't say what love is. It's a nebulous concept and has many facets. It also changes over time and goes through differing phases.

Aren't you over thinking it? If you enjoy being with this man then that's all that matters. But if you're wondering whether he is the one you want to marry, have children with and spend the rest of your life with then there'll come a time when you will just know. You can't set a time limit on this. And for heaven's sake don't rush into it.
This is making me think of when my mum told me that she didn't love my dad at first. She said he was just so good and kind and absolutely adored her. She grew to love him after they were married. They had 3 children and were married for over 60 years. I think it's something like that with my wife and me. For me it was love at first sight whereas..............

Flip