That "tone"

[HyperFlagist]

I might be reading something into nothing here. I often do to be honest.

My history
Split from EA husband two years ago. It wasn't the worst case of EA you'll have ever heard. In hindsight, the first sign of him being an arsehole was his patronising tone. It used to drive me up the wall, you know where you think you are asking a normal, conversational question and you get either "no" or "I don't know" in "that" tone, that sounds like a verbal eye roll or elvis presley sneer?

Anyway, he got way worse than that and two years ago, I left him.

Fast forward to now, I have a new boyfriend. It's been about 9/10 months. He treats me well. It feels wonderful most of the time. He's just left after spending the evening round mine and I feel differently somehow. Alarm bells are going off.

He used "that" tone with me several times tonight. I wasn't being particularly daft. I've never really seen it before. Funnily enough, he has told me that other people have complained about it.

Tonight he pissed me off.

Is this a red flag?

Is he just another arsehole and the mask is slipping?

I suspect your current squeeze has used 'that' tone with you before but you've been too loved up to see/hear it.

Now that you have seen/heard it, and more particularly as others have clearly taken him to task about it but he's not seen fit to modify his behaviour, it's time to dump his patronising arse by adding your voice to theirs.

Red flag = warning arsehole on the loose = run for the hills and don't look back.

I understand why you would be terrified that he's abusive, given how hard it is to escape from an abuser and to recover from the damage it does.

But not everyone that does bad/rude/stupid things is abusive.

If someone does something to you that is unacceptable, then that thing is unacceptable and you are entitled to address it, request that it's changed or make the decision to leave that person behind.

You have that power. You can handle this!

I remember very well how precarious it felt trying to negotiate online dating after leaving the abusive relationship. My counsellor at the time told me what I'm telling you. He had to say it a few times for it to sink in.

So what do you do?

Listen to your instincts.
Tell him you don't like the tone he used with you and that it's not ok to speak like that to you.
Tell him that you don't speak like that to him so expect the same respect in return.

If he doesn't address it, and does it again, or if you can't shake the bad feeling, you're better to cut your losses and end the relationship.