If your parents didn't accept you

[Imoleia]

How has it affected your adult life?

For me, it's the inability to form 'proper' sexual relationships. Have no issues with friends but when it comes to potential partners I am rubbish.

I think anyone who might be interested in me is odd or peculiar and anyone who isn't - well, that just confirms what I already knew!

I suppose I'm interested in knowing the impact its had on others.

Hi OP, my parents have never been able to accept me as a separate independent person. I'm 35 now and I think they still see me as a particularly trying 8 year old. It will never change.

How has it affected me - how long have you got?! Zero self esteem, unable to trust myself, unable to recognise my own needs, people pleasing, terror that no one really likes me, totally unhealthy view of relationships, self medicating with alcohol. Thankfully I have made huge changes in all of these areas after several years of psychotherapy, which is ongoing. The damage that toxic parents can do is truly horrifying

I can identify with all that.

I don't self medicate with alcohol but I do overeat, although my weight is mostly stable as I temper it with periods of near starvation.

The sad thing is that I don't think they meant it but they were so very cruel (who the fuck punches a 'fat' 6 year old as she sits reading?)

It effected my self esteem and self worth. However I have managed to rebuild both a little

Inability to form intimate relationships. I associate intimacy with criticism. Always keeping people at a distance. Like you I make friends easily, but I keep them from becoming too close and avoid people who would want too much from me which might lead to a great level of intimacy. I use humour and self-deprecation to avoid criticism in the workplace. I avoid becoming tied down by contracts, planning too much ahead because I anticipate criticism and rejection. I married very, very badly because I thought someone who didn't express much emotion was a safer bet than my depressive father and highly critical mother. I feel overwhelming guilt that I've screwed up my children by having them at all. And I fear their eventual rejection every day. In short, it screwed me up entirely and at 40 the effects are only becoming more apparent every day.

That is very cruel indeed Imoleia, really horrible. My parents were similar in that they just didnt' know any other way to be, but it still wasn't nearly good enough for me, as their child. I still feel very angry and it was horribly unfair.

I am incapable of real trust, never feel safe or secure. I always strive to put others first, as I'm terrified that a single expression of my own desires will results in rejection. I can't join groups or clubs as my fear of the requirements (and the inevitable rejection for not meeting them) paralysing.

I've been fortunate to have good relationships, as my shyness means that only those who are outgoing and caring actually ever connect with me. But over the long term our goals never correlate, as 'traditional' arrangements come with such overwhelmingly negative associations.

I'm generally confused. My [single] mother was fine until I was 11 when she met and married my step father, then she rejected me...and he was disinterested [after he'd been told not to keep coming into my bedroom when I was asleep. I hadn't been, just lying there terrified!]. My mother has been constantly cruel, indifferent, critical and rejecting.

I am sensitive to unwarranted criticism, and reject people before they reject me. A number of failed relationships and I messed up my marriage. Don't trust myself in relationships so been single for many years and don't want another. Self depreciating, hate myself, have smoked/eaten too much, anxious, don't like socialising at all and not that affectionate [although in my head I have feelings for people I can't show them]. I don't make friends easily and they usually end as I choose dominant, controlling people [which I don't identify initially].

If anyone says they love me [and I feel they are just saying it to win me round] I get very, very angry and have actually walked away from people who say this. It enrages me. I've been used so much in the past, as a people pleaser with low self esteem and can't ask for what I want.

The only person I can rely on is me, I'm too independent, too solitary but I feel this is the only way to cope with my problems. I've had counselling, therapy, courses, self help books etc. etc. It's all help me adjust and accept but hasn't provided a stable well balanced life...it's been a rollercoaster.

I feel like I could have written all of these posts myself. I am exactly the same. One of the worst parts is the non-acceptance of my sexuality. It caused me to try for nearly a decade to 'be straight' - entering awful relationships with men that ended chaotically. Now I'm openly gay, and my dealings with my parents are strained at best. We live on opposite sides of the world now - my choice, and one that has been a salvation.