How do we officially separate?

[Winniethewylde]

So, we've had the talk and have decided that we are going to separate but that's as far as it's gone. What I want to know is what's next? At the moment we are still living the same way we have been for the past 3 years, in same bed but no intimacy, I'm still cooking for the family, doing the washing, ironing etc as I'm a sahm but I feel like a bit of a mug now after this decision.

The decision was a mutual one, we've been married 8 years, have 2 young children but we've just drifted apart and want different things. We haven't had sex for 3 years, haven't kissed or even touched each other in that time and our relationship is purely a parental one. However, the children are unaware of what's happening and until one of us is in a position to move out we are not going to tell them so what happens next? I don't know anyone who's been in this situation before, our lives are really no different to before we came to our decision but clearly we can't just drift along like this for another few years without doing something?

Has anyone been in this situation before?

You have to do what you think is best in this situation, for some people this would be both adults doing their own washing & cooking, 50/50% split on housework & childcare etc. So basically dividing the domestic stuff down the middle. Get your finances separated as well if possible, so work out if you still want a joint bank account for the bills only or whether you want a separate bank account each, split the savings that sort of thing.

Is one of you moving out in the short term future or are you talking years? Is one person staying in the house & the other moving out or are you selling the house & splitting the proceeds?

Thank you for replying. The thing is if we started splitting everything now my eldest would notice and wonder why, I have always done everything so it would seem very odd and I'd like to protect the DCs from everything as much as possible.

As in a sahm I don't have any of my own money or much in the way of savings, DH has been very financially controlling in the past so I had to use my pre marriage savings in order to get by previously.

DH has already declared that we will have to sell up but I really don't want this, I'd like to stay in the family home if possible but don't know if I'll be able to as like I said I have no money! Maybe I'm screwed and will have to put up and shut up.

Have you as yet sought legal advice?. This is something I would now do if you have not done so already.

I've had a free half hour yes, I know what I could potentially be entitled to should we divorce but DH doesn't know I've been and the it's the gap between now and divorce I'm unclear of.

I am certain too your eldest child has already noticed that you are never affectionate with each other and view each other with what amounts to disdain. You cannot and have not been able to fully protect them from the realities of your marriage. You've both stayed together to date for your own reasons, nothing to do with these children.

I think it is only when you are free of him will you infact realise the extent of his abuse of you throughout your marriage.

This is not the legacy to leave your children; they cannot afford to grow up at all thinking that a loveless marriage is the "norm".

Are you prepared to now act on any legal advice your Solicitor gave you?.

The bed sharing needs to cease and you should do not do any chores for him.

I doubt very much that he will readily move out; infact I think he could well drag out this whole process of separation and divorce for as long as possible as a means of punishing you. He could well turn really nasty when he sees you are (finally) serious about ending your marriage.

He does not have to know either that you have already sought legal advice; he probably thinks that you'd never leave him anyway.

As Attila has said, children can be very perceptive & its unlikely that they think everything is fine. Or if they do, then perhaps you are modelling this behaviour as a normal adult relationship to them, which is probably unwise for them in the future.

No child has ever said to my knowledge, that they are glad the parents stayed in an unhappy relationship for their sake.

You do not have to take his doom & gloom version of what will happen if you leave him. Go back to the lawyer (or the CAB) & talk through what a permanent separation/divorce would mean & what it would mean regarding joint assets. You may not have to sell up, if you are on the deeds of the house then he cannot sell without your agreement. He doesn't need to know you are taking legal advice, its no longer his business.

Thank you, you are both right. I think DH thinks it will not go as far as divorce. He keeps saying what a nightmare it would be and how I wouldn't get the house, wouldn't cope etc etc.

I do suspect my eldest is aware all is not right too, the DCs are partly the reason I have to do this. It's heartbreaking but I don't want to drag it out forever. I suspect DH would be more than happy to.

We don't have a spare room hence the bed sharing too. I tell you, it's so lonely being in a loveless marriage

So do I need to return to the solicitor and tell him I want to take the next step?

Thanks so much for reading