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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Upset friend. How do I make this better

16 replies

KillmeNow · 07/07/2015 19:46

I have had some good news recently and when I told one person it spread like wildfire on facebook .I was okay with this as it was something people were happy for me about.

I saw some of my facebook friends face to face in a group I go to and again they were happy for me and we shared the joy. All was good.

However a friend in the group who is not on facebook has taken it badly that I didnt tell her myself and that she had to hear from other people. I went to talk to her about it and she blanked me and said she was upset with me. I didnt think we had such a deep friendship as usually we chat but dont see each other outside the group.

If we need to communicate we text each other but usually its quite direct stuff about lifts etc. She said I ought to have texted her as well as putting it on facebook for everyone else. I can sort of see her point - but only if she was a dear friend who was there for everything else. She isnt.

I dont want to have bad feelings within the group and she is a forceful character,very straight talking and direct ,so would make her feeling very well known if I dont deal with this now.

She wont talk to me .So how do I apologise? Do I apologise? Or let her calm down on her own?

OP posts:

wallaby73 · 07/07/2015 19:49

Is it really any of her business? And any adult who does the whole "not speaking" thing....well, it's just really manipulative. And weird? Don't pander to it.

Hullygully · 07/07/2015 19:50

Why not? Why not say: "Sorry you were hurt not to hear from me, I honestly didn't think about it, just told one person in passing and it went on fb. No evil intent." Simple and truthful. No need to add: anyway, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I TELL YOU, YOU LOON?

Raasay · 07/07/2015 19:56

So your happy good news which everyone else was do happy to share is now all about... Her?

I personally wouldn't apologise - what for?

Let it blow over.

Original poster

KillmeNow · 07/07/2015 21:05

Oh how I wish I could just tell her to fuck off . But I know the fall out would not be worth it.

It was just a surprise for her to react like that . Shes not a drama queen and is usually a stuff and nonsense type of person who ,if I gave it any thought at all, I might have assumed would be quite unaffected by my good news.

I keep trying the think how to word a text to her . I dont want to apologise because I dont think Ive done anything wrong exactly. But I want to address her feeling hurt(even though I dont think she has any reason to feel that).

OP posts:

FunnysInLaJardin · 07/07/2015 21:10

Wot Hully said.

Hello Hully its been an age

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 21:16

Would she contact you personally to give you some good news about something that had happened to her?

pocketsaviour · 07/07/2015 21:20

If she isn't like this normally, is it possible your news may have hit a pain point for her?
EG if you are getting married, but she has recently split with a partner. Or if your DD has passed her GCSEs with flying colours but hers has dropped out of school.

It is, of course, still rude and stupid of her to make a fuss, but if you enjoy the group dynamic and don't want to ruin it, then apologising to her will cost you nothing and will make you the better person.

Original poster

KillmeNow · 07/07/2015 23:22

I think I will text a 'sort of' apology -as in 'sorry you feel upset' rather than sorry for my good news .IYSWIM

I dont want bad feelings in the group as we've been together for a long time now with no upsets. The friend is rather an eccentric type of woman. Not married , wears mannish clothes ,very direct in speech and mannerisms. No partner now or in the past . She doesnt go in for gushing over sentimental stuff but would usually be pleased for someone celebrating a personal achievement.

There are other people in the group who I didnt tell either and who are equal friends. Happily they have reacted only with pleasure for me.

I will try to draw this to a close with the text and hope that the next time we meet she will have got over her upset.

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 08/07/2015 10:41

OP, IME 'sorry you feel upset' can be seen as PA by those already aggrieved.
If your news is of the life-changing variety it may be that this friend has been forced to review not only her relationship with you but with your wider circle.
TBH there's not much you can do, and so far you would seem to have nothing to apologise for.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 08/07/2015 11:09

Are you in the wrong? No, then don't apologise. She's taken your happy news and made it all about her. I would just ignore her, it's not like a close friend so there's nothing to repair here IMO.

Hullygully · 08/07/2015 11:55

Always think of the long game.

Rightly or wrongly she's hurt, be gracious, say you're sorry she is hurt.

hello funnys

FadedRed · 08/07/2015 12:10

I'm not on Fb, my choice. It means that friends who are post stuff and I don't see it. Sometimes I find out from other friends who are on Fb.
That's the way it is. Her problem, not yours.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/07/2015 12:12

I dont want to have bad feelings within the group and she is a forceful character,very straight talking and direct ,so would make her feeling very well known if I dont deal with this now.

The group might wonder why she's reacting the way she is. It may have been a last straw on a bad day but you weren't to know. I think you responded reasonably when you tried talking face to face but she shot herself in the foot by blanking you. I suspect in her eyes by trying to acknowledge her feelings without apologising (and why should you) it will only add fuel to the flames. Leave her be.

MatildaTheCat · 08/07/2015 13:24

I was thinking the same as Pocketsaviour. Personally I would take the easy route if you want to move on quickly and not disrupt the group.

Might I even suggest you give her a quick call to clear the air? Seems to have gone out of fashion but a real life conversation can be far clearer and more appreciated.

Oh, and congratulations.

Libbity · 08/07/2015 13:39

I had something like this happen last year - still don't know why my particular loon reacted as she did - clearly her issues not mine. Don't give this person power - carry on being your normal self; if she wants to be an idiot, let her. It will pass as everything does.

Bogeyface · 08/07/2015 13:43

It could be that she is more invested in the friendship than you are. This happened to a friend of mine a few years ago, she realised that the woman she regarded as her best friend didnt see their friendship in the same way. She was at an event with lots of this womans other friends and realised she was not as high in the womans friendship feudal system as the woman was on hers.

She was quite hurt by that but acknowledged that it wasnt her friends fault and just accepted it. Could be that your friend is feeling this, that by not telling her personally you have made it clear that you are not as close as she thought you were.

Not a lot you can do about that tbh, just smile and act like nothing has happened I suspect.

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