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Relationships

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Original poster

Is having a baby now a stupid idea?

10 replies

ScaredKittyCat · 06/07/2015 23:03

How long after a serious marital issue should you wait to ttc? We have had some issues in our marriage (mostly husband's emotional affair). We have made some great progress recently. I feel like I trust him again and can understand why things happened. We planned on having baby number two a long time ago (before the affair was discovered). Is it too soon to try? I honestly feel like we are back on the right track.

OP posts:

blueribbons · 06/07/2015 23:12

I would imagine there isn't one right answer, it would depend on you as people, your individual circumstances etc. Are you both happy to try again now for a baby? Was the affair going on during your previous discussions about having another baby? Only you can know how fully your trust your husband's commitment.

Original poster

ScaredKittyCat · 06/07/2015 23:22

We had discussed number two for a while but had put things on hold for a surf time when our work commitments clashed and didn't allow much time for anything. The 'affair' happened during this time where we barely had time to discuss anything to be honest.

We have both accepted our parts in the near breakdown of our marriage and have made so much progress. We are not in a position to wait much longer to try for number two (age) and both want to do it. But just not sure if this is foolish? I am sure he will not mess this up again.

OP posts:

Original poster

ScaredKittyCat · 06/07/2015 23:23

Sorry I meant a short time

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SurlyCue · 06/07/2015 23:31

How long has it been since the affair?

Personally, i wouldnt have a baby with anyone unless i was 100% sure i would be with them for life and could 100% trust them. Im not sure if that would be possible for me after an emotional affair.

I would urge you to examine whether you are wanting the baby because you think time is running out for you to be able to or whether you want one to prove to yourselves and others that you are all grand again because unhappy couples dont have babies do they or whether it is actually because you are with a person you want to be with for life, trust absolutely to do right by you and your children and want to enhance your lives with a child.

Its a pretty big deal, please dont rush this decision.

Spydra · 06/07/2015 23:32

I think you have to consider the worst case scenario here. If you would still want a new born in the case of a split 9 months down the line - go for it.

Original poster

ScaredKittyCat · 06/07/2015 23:33

I am convinced it will never happen again. He left his job (where he met ow) and made some huge sacrifices to save our marriage.

OP posts:

Buster08 · 06/07/2015 23:43

Speaking from personal experience, my marriage was never the same again after exh's first EA. He made lots of promises and as I was so keen to have a sibling for dc1 I tried to forget and we went ahead and had dc2.

The marriage went rapidly downhill and we separated, but despite that I wouldn't have NOT had dc2, we still have 2 gorgeous children we just parent them from 2 separate houses. We've managed to stay amicable and the dcs seem fine but obviously it wasn't planned to be like this when we ttc dc2.

If there have been previous cracks in your marriage, you should always be mindful that you could have problems again, but if you both agree you'd like another child right now I think there's nothing to stop you having one.

You can still have a perfectly functional family unit in the future whether you stay together or not, if you can still agree to parent together.

mommyof23kids · 07/07/2015 05:36

Honestly who knows if your marriage is going to make it. Not even you guys know that.
If you're running out of time for a second child you don't have the luxury to see how things go. You just take that leap of faith and know that no matter what happens you can cope.

Janette123 · 07/07/2015 08:19

Scarekittycat,
If you are in so much doubt about this that you need to ask on a forum, then the answer is no.
Sorry to be blunt, but we all know how much stress a new baby puts on a relationship.
Unless you are in your 50's ( ! ) I can't see that age is a barrier.
Have a think about whether or not you would be happy to co-parent this child from two separate addresses, and whether or not that would be fair on the child.
Many of us here have been put in the position being a single parent through a breakup that wasn't our choice. You are aware of a potential problems so you have an advantage.
Personally I would say don't do it yet.

Sickoffrozen · 07/07/2015 10:24

How long ago was the EA? I would be wary if in the last 12 months.

Having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into the marriage mix and can lead to periods where the relationship has to take a back seat. What happens if he feels he isn't getting your attention etc?

I would only go ahead if I were comfortable looking after the baby on my eon as that is the worst case scenario. I suppose that is true for all couples though.

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