Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Internet dating

19 replies

Foogy · 06/07/2015 00:27

So, online dating, how do I choose who to stay away from? Why do they all ask for your phone number straight away coz they don't want to play email tennis?! Are they pushy one night standers or do they want to meet straight away as it's easier to see if each other clicks in person. Want to give them the benefit of the doubt or is there a rule I don't know about not meeting up with the ones who want to meet after 2 emails!?

OP posts:

Offred · 06/07/2015 01:31

You make your own rules and stick to them. If you don't want to give your number out then don't. They often want your number to send you dick pictures and wanking videos that they wouldn't be allowed to send through the site. OD can be a bit soul destroying tbh but the only way to get a good experience is to do like my sister did and dictate your own rules and boundaries and not be lead by other people's. She met a few nice guys online who were good to date but is now marrying someone she met at her hobby.

Original poster

Foogy · 06/07/2015 10:09

oh really! eugghh! Even if they say in their second ever message I'm looking for a long term relationship/ soul mate want to get off this site, so lets have coffee and see if we click? Want to believe them.....

OP posts:

SelfLoathing · 06/07/2015 10:25

With OLD it is definitely better to move it to real life as quickly as possible because if there is no click/chemistry you are wasting your time. Plus there are plenty of people doing OLD just for online kicks with no intention of meeting up.

When I did it, I wanted a sort of half way house between reams of emails going no where and a meet up straight away. In other words a few emails to get a sense of someone and what they are interested in etc. You can actually tell a lot about a person's education level and intelligence from a few detailed emails!

So yes - someone saying I want to meet up quickly is not necessarily a red flag at all. It's most likely to be a person who's done a lot of OLD and realises it can be a huge time waster! It could be a MM after a quick shag also so you just need to have your radar on.

If there is any rule to apply it would be if a man isn't asking you for a phone number/to meet relatively soon, it probably won't happen.

SelfLoathing · 06/07/2015 10:28

Also remember that a typical feature of OLD scam stories is prolonged interaction by email and women who felt they were "in love" with someone they have never met.

Moving it to real life pretty swiftly - if you think there is anything there worth checking out - avoids fantasy relationships developing.

The other thing I'd add is that your own attitude to OLD will change as you experience more of it. When I first did it, I found the whole thing mortifying and was terribly prissy about it (really funny about giving people photos/phone number/meeting up). By the end of it, I became much more relaxed and cynical about it - because you realise it's like looking for a needle in a haystack!! I gave up on OLD a long time ago.

Goodbetterbest · 06/07/2015 10:53

There's a dating thread on here which is great for the low-down on OLD, advice and support.

Lots of men seem interested and when you start to mention meeting up they fall off the face of the earth.

I met a lovely man, first online date, hit it off and still seeing each other some months later. Had chatted to a few - not many - and was quite reserved about the whole thing.

Didn't get any dick-pics.

Lavenderice · 07/07/2015 17:11

Ok, seasoned on-line dating pro (until meeting the OH on Tinder). My tips are as follows:-

Meet IRL as soon as you can. No sense wasting your time cultivating a beautiful email friendship only to find he's a complete arse in real life.

Always arrange the first date through the website. Do not give him your mobile

phone number until you want to. (In case he's an arse)

3.First date should always be coffee during the day/after work. That way if he is an arse you're not stuck with him for hours. Have an excuse to leave need to get back for the kids/dog/sick mother etc.

In the early stages always meet him there rather than have him pick you up. In case he turns out to be an arse, you don't want to have an arse knowing your address.

You will get dick pics. Giggle at them, save them up and produce a coffee table book

5 have fun!

DontKillMyVibe · 07/07/2015 17:50

Keep your standards high, trust your instinct about someone, stay safe and move to real life quickly if you get on well via email/phone.

DontKillMyVibe · 07/07/2015 17:52

...oh, and don't have any hesitation about using the block button if required

pocketsaviour · 07/07/2015 19:30

+1 to all of Lavenders "rules"!

One of my own: you can use Google image reverse search on their profile photos and often find either they've swiped a photo of a male model, or have used one of their Facebook photos - with their marital status clearly showing on FB, oh dear...

Offred · 07/07/2015 19:57

Oh God! Yeah! Take everything that is said online with a pinch of salt! You have no clue if they are just saying that because they think it'll get them in your pants quicker, if they actually mean it and are one of those insecure hate women, madonna whore types, if they genuinely are just wanting to make it clear what they are looking for or a million other things. You absolutely have to meet people in real life to begin to get an idea and I think you need to have a set of rules for weeding out guys straight away that you just won't consider meeting.

Ouchbloodyouch · 07/07/2015 19:59

I 'chatted' on the weds. We met on the Friday. We clicked. Its still working out 5/6 months on.
I am so glad I did it. Our paths would NEVER have crossed.
However when I originally signed up I really wasn't in the right frame of mind to do so my ex had cheated on me and my heart wasn't in it at all. I had some strange messages and some really nice ones but I dismissed them all. Be prepared that many men are equally likely to be on the site and on the rebound.
Also online dating isn't shit or bust. Its not last chance saloon!
The way I described it was it was running in the background of my busy life. I was reading the messages and politely declining most all until my current bf sent me something short and witty that made me think 'this could be interesting..'
Good luck. Relax about it.
I've never had a dick shot either
Heaven knows I could have done with a good laugh in the early days.

Original poster

Foogy · 07/07/2015 23:28

Thank you all xxxx just had a snog xx

OP posts:

Ouchbloodyouch · 08/07/2015 05:18

Oh! Tell us more...

Minime85 · 08/07/2015 06:46

Enjoy it. Don't take all the chat and messages too seriously. I was on tinder, match and POF. There are people who just disappear like others have said and you think what happened there then? But honestly it is then not you.

I agree about making your own rules and sticking to it. Meet when you can. Don't feel guilty for chatting to more than one person. Don't do anything you aren't happy with ie beware sexting etc.

theroxbury · 08/07/2015 10:50

Be prepared to use the "block" button whatever app you use! I do internet dating and chat to a few lasses and they say they get all sorts for freaky messages so be prepared for that!

SoljaBonita · 08/07/2015 10:58

There's also a disturbing number of men posing as women on these sites, so I guess a phonecall rules that out....

bodenbiscuit · 08/07/2015 11:09

I hate online dating. It is a playground for disordered people. I dated a narcissist and then shortly after, a psychopath (talk about frying pan into fire) you need to be very careful indeed.

However, there are decent people to be found - but you have to do a lot of sifting to find them.

There are a few nasty men who sent me messages like 'who the hell do,you think you are' if I didn't reply to them.

Lavenderice · 08/07/2015 14:28

Boden I really enjoyed online dating and didn't find any 'disordered' people. Maybe it was your profile attracting them

bodenbiscuit · 08/07/2015 17:36

Quite possibly! My boundaries are not as good as they should be. My friends now ask to vet my profile for me. But there are plenty of people like me and I had no idea of the predatory nature of some. We don't know if the OP is a person with excellent boundaries or otherwise.

Flip