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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i ended my abusive relationship and now im lost

17 replies

ridethestorm · 03/07/2015 15:34

I know ive done the right thing, but im finding it hard. Silly little things i wanted to be able to do again...walk around barefoot in the house, go to the shop without telling anyone, look at facebook. I know im not doing anything wrong but im in a state of anxiety and cant seem to cope, i wasnt allowed to do these things before. when will this feeling go away?

OP posts:
whitsernam · 03/07/2015 15:44

I remember having days like this. Sometimes I didn't know how I would cope, but then a few hours later I would realize I HAD gotten through it and would feel rather proud of myself. Mostly I kept busy. Like cleaning out storage and organizing closets even!! Then the time passes and you haven't been thinking about how you feel at all.... and suddenly you realize you got through it. and Breathe. The last bit is important. If you control your breathing, you can slow your mind down a bit and it really did help me a lot. Good luck... it does get better.

whitsernam · 03/07/2015 15:56

Another thought: Call someone. You need at least one real life friend or relative who is supportive that you can talk to. Getting a hug from a live human being is soooo good for anyone. Even a neighbor. You're so used to being worried about his reaction to even small things, that you're waiting for the shoe to drop. Having someone to tell you that you're OK and nothing will happen is very helpful. We can tell you on here, but live and in person is so much better.

Herfrom2doorsdown · 03/07/2015 15:59

I remember that feeling too.
It will pass, you won't feel like this forever.

For me I had been controlled for so long that I'd forgotten how to do what I wanted to do.

I agree with PP,keep busy. Clean, sort, go for a walk and yes, breathe.

Ask yourself what you want to do now and do it!

cheesedetective · 03/07/2015 16:02

You're not lost so much as de-programming. You have to re-learn self confidence and spontaneity if someone took it away from you.

Not related to DA, but to a MH hang up, I was taught to actively praise yourself every time you do the right thing, at the very least in your head, but ideally out loud, or written down with something like a happy dance or air punch or tiny (but not unhealthy) reward of some sort.

So if you walk round barefoot, do a silly happy dance and say to yourself: 'I am walking barefoot. I'm back in charge of how I want to live. Yes!' Sounds 9and feels) utterly ridiculous at first but then it becomes fun and soon after that you actually start to feel the therapeutic value of it reinforcing new healthy habits and mindsets.

I'll start Grin You left your abusive partner! Yessssss!!!! Ridethestorm rocks!

Reginafalangie · 03/07/2015 16:03

Well done for leaving OP.

You will not just get over this and you may need councilling.

Women's Aid has advice and information.

GinAndSonic · 03/07/2015 16:11

Its been almost 2 hears since i left.my abusive husband. I no longer feel that anxiety at doing what i want, or that feeling of not knowing what to do and wanting someone to tell me.
I have done a lot of work to get here though. Talk to womens aid, or your local womens centre if you have one. Your gp may be able to help refer you for counselling, but also, can record you are having domestic abuse related anxiety, which will help if you need legal aid.

Keep posting. We hear you.

Original poster
ridethestorm · 03/07/2015 22:48

I feel terrible right now, I really need a good cry but I cant because i'll upset the kids. I was such a strong person before I met him, I dont understand how I got here. My behaviour is pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
ridethestorm · 03/07/2015 22:56

I think in a way too he conditioned my kids into thinking im a lazy waste of space. My ds makes comments. im not sure if hes joking or not. I dont want to clean to take my mind off it, he made me clean until I was exhausted, and then when I needed to sleep he wouldnt let me.

OP posts:
MyRightFoot · 03/07/2015 23:00

you are not pathetic and you showed your strength by leaving him. however you will go thru a process of grieving and will berate yourself for putting up with so much. do seek counselling to help the healing process.

Original poster
ridethestorm · 04/07/2015 12:46

Life feels terrible at the moment, my kids blame me for the way our life is going to be now. No more days out, I cant drive. My son wont eat, I cant tell them why ive broken up our family.

OP posts:
Original poster
ridethestorm · 04/07/2015 13:00

this morning at 9:30 I sat in my garden and cried my eyes out, my kids were still asleep so it was safe ish. I want to be myself again, to not fear being punished for some imaginary thing I did wrong. He never hit me, but he made my life a misery. I couldnt walk ten minutes to the shop for a loaf of bread without being questioned on my return.

OP posts:
GinAndSonic · 04/07/2015 13:06

It gets better. I felt like that. You can still go on days out, there must be free or cheap local attractions, or places further afield you can access by public transport.
It is scary when you have had no control over any aspect of your life to suddenly have it all. It was confusing and overwhelming. But it slowly gets better.

And you are ok to cry. I sat and cried this morning. I will probably cry again later. We all have shitty times sometimes.

springydaffs · 04/07/2015 13:25

I feel for you op Flowers

How long ago did you leave him? I went through what can only be described as withdrawals when I left my abuser - shakes, couldn't sleep, the lot. It was a tough road but I got there to the unbelievable joy of being freeeeeeee.

Get as much support as you can lovely xx

tittyboomboom · 04/07/2015 13:32

Oh, storm Flowers

You know it's occasionally okay for our children to see us cry. It shows them you are human, and that it's okay to cry when you feel sad. Explain to them that you feel sad at the moment but that it will pass. Then maybe do something fun with them to get your smile back.

I know it's hard.

throwingpebbles · 04/07/2015 13:37

give it time, I remember feeling like this and my psychologist said "you have just got off the sinking ship and now you are on a life raft battling through to safety". Just because it is hard now doesn't mean you didn't do the right thing
Could you talk to gp about counselling for you and /or look in to family counselling for you and the kids?

Take baby steps. And each time you do something you would t have done before, feel proud. My ex s voice used to be so strong in my head but it is much quieter now.

Hang in there.

throwingpebbles · 04/07/2015 13:39

Do you have friends/ family nearby? Ask for help to get out on a day trip or similar?
Or are there buses? Round where we are they are fairly good at ensuring buses go to the big attractions etc?

throwingpebbles · 04/07/2015 13:40

Ooh the other thing I did which helped me mentally was just buy a few things to make the house feel more like mine. Nothing expensive, but new bedding for me, and a few new photos in frames, oh and a vase of flowers for the first few weeks.

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