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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

stbxh's new relationship posted by his new gf on Facebook

26 replies

Mode9 · 02/07/2015 02:24

My stbxh and I have been separated a year. I've just found out who he has started seeing as his new girlfriend is a mutual friend of ours on facebook and his new girlfriend has just posted a photo of my former home with her in it on facebook with a status update to give more information. I think she may have forgotten I am on her friends list. Of course, he's entitled to see who he wants now but I'm rather disappointed with both of them that this is they way I have found out (amongst all her friends, many of whom also know me).

The other thing is that he is still in contact with me, we still occasionally meet up and only this week he has been texting saying it would be great to meet up!! I'm sure she is unaware of this which now in this context seems entirely inappropriate.

It's none of my business of course but we also used to talk about her and he wasn't particularly complimentary about her when we were still together which makes it interesting that he has got together with her. Anyway, this is besides the point.
Is it just me or is this not quite the way a supposedly 'nice' lady goes about informing another person that they are now seeing their husband?

OP posts:
YUDOTHIS · 02/07/2015 02:34

Like the photo/status to let her know you've seen it (I would). Yes she shouldve told you especially as she does know you. either that or if she found it too awkward told your ex to do it before they went public.

goddessofsmallthings · 02/07/2015 03:00

It is extremely bad form for anyone other than the stbx to inform their stbx that they have taken up with a paramour.

In this particular case, as the "supposedly 'nice' lady" appears to be a tad triumphant about her conquest I would suggest you appraise your stbxh of the fact that you don't appreciate seeing photos of his fancy piece Ms (her name) gurning at the camera while in the marital?/your former home plastered on FB.

If he has any shred of decency he'll tell her to remove them, at least until the ink is dry on your Absolute.

FWIW, while he's "entitled" to see who he wants, until the Absolute has been granted fornicating with anyone other than the spouse is adultery in the eyes of the law.

SavoyCabbage · 02/07/2015 03:53

I wouldn't do anything with FB other than quieter knock her off my friends list.

With your ex, I would say to him that he should have told you he was in a relationship with someone that you both know and who you have friends in common with.

Ebony69 · 02/07/2015 04:36

It would have been better if he'd told you but I don't see that he's done anything 'wrong'.

pictish · 02/07/2015 04:47

I can't see what they/she/he have done 'wrong' especially either. Of course it would have been preferable for them to have let you know themselves, but it's not expected of them as such...it's their business to conduct as they see fit.

When you say you and him still 'meet up' you mean for sex, right?

ShanghaiDiva · 02/07/2015 05:37

As you know the new girlfriend, it would have been courteous to let you know in advance of the Facebook post. I really think people don't consider their actions before they post - we found out dh's grandpa had died when his cousin posted on Facebook about how devastated she was - just plain rude not to wait until all family members had been contacted.

tobysmum77 · 02/07/2015 05:40

defriend her? Confused

TheStoic · 02/07/2015 05:42

It's a pretty disappointing way to find out.

I wouldn't bother mentioning it. It will only appear like sour grapes, and that you are upset about the relationship itself, rather than just the way you found out about it.

Vivacia · 02/07/2015 06:08

Some pretty archaic perspectives on this thread Confused

Just delete them from your list?

sofato5miles · 02/07/2015 06:18

At least you now know. And stop meeting up with him.

purplesprings · 02/07/2015 06:53

Have you started divorce proceedings? If not I would screen shot the Facebook page as that could help with providing grounds. Then either like the status and wait for the reaction or just defriend and move on

Vivacia · 02/07/2015 06:55

Why drag this woman in to the divorce??

Fearless91 · 02/07/2015 07:07

Bit of an odd way to find out. I would just remove her off your friends list. Technically neither of them have done anything wrong.

Be honest with yourself, are you sure you're over him?

mrsdavidbowie · 02/07/2015 07:10

It wouldn't bother me .
He's going to be your ex....he can start seeing people.

oabiti · 02/07/2015 07:14

I know it must have upset you, op, or shocked you. But just put her on your 'restricted' list, and him, if you are fb friends with him.

To be honest, it all seems a bit too close to home & I would feel the same as you. She hasn't 'forgotten' that you are on there, she knew full well. Either delete them both or ignore any future postings from them. I wouldn't confront him, if he gave a hoot, he would have told you outright. Don't give either of them the satisfaction.

I had a similar scenario when ex (who I was with on-and-off for over five years) moved in with the woman he had an affair with. Our mutual 'friends' were adding her, right, left and centre. I just deleted the mutual friends and blocked his ass.

It can get all too consuming, op, I feel for you, I really do. What 'friend' does that anyway. Isnt their an unwritten rule? x

oabiti · 02/07/2015 07:18

And, clearly, the uncomplimentary things he said about her, he could not have meant.

luckiestgirlintheworld · 02/07/2015 07:21

Sounds like he was going to tell you himself anyway- hence the wanting to meet up text.

AvocadoLime · 02/07/2015 07:23

"The other thing is that he is still in contact with me, we still occasionally meet up and only this week he has been texting saying it would be great to meet up!! I'm sure she is unaware of this which now in this context seems entirely inappropriate."

If you have kids I think most reasonable women would be accepting of the need for the two of you to communicate and stay amicable, and if you don't have kids he might have just told her that he was trying to stay friends, so I think you're over thinking that.

YANBU about finding out over Facebook though.

pocketsaviour · 02/07/2015 07:24

we still occasionally meet up

For sex?

If so, I'd comment on the photo "This is nice Ex, were you going to tell me before or after our usual Thursday shag?"

I'm evil though.

butterflygirl15 · 02/07/2015 07:25

Unfriend and block her, and him too if you are still friends. Don't give either of them the satisfaction of showing you are even interested. And he can stop trying to be your friend too - time to disengage from him totally.

oabiti · 02/07/2015 07:36

butterfly girl, spot on

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 02/07/2015 07:39

Leaving aside the fact you and your STBXH still meet up occassionally (which is no big deal provided sex isn't involved or there's discussion about getting back together), I can't see she's done anything wrong. You've been separated a year so I'm assuming the 2 of you have moved on? It may have been kinder if you'd found out from him, but then it could be argued that you have no need to know about their relationship anyway.

How friendly are you and her?

"...we also used to talk about her and he wasn't particularly complimentary about her when we were still together..."
Hmm, do you think they were together before you split?

Sammasati · 02/07/2015 07:40

I agree block and get on with your life. Cosy meet ups with an ex is never a good idea, it is keeping the relationship going on some level.

I be bright and breezy if anyone says anything to you and just reply that it is not your concern.

Still a shock for you though Thanks

CoolAs10Fonzies · 02/07/2015 08:44

say nothing, do nothing
why give anyone any ammunition to use against you
anything you say will be misinterpreted as jealousy or whatever...

Joysmum · 02/07/2015 08:49

You've split, you'd have hoped he'd have shown you common decency to say he was seeing her but he hadn't. This isn't up to her.

Rant on here but say nothing in reality. Block if you have to.

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