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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Single married mums

19 replies

sportify · 01/07/2015 22:53

Is there anyone apart from me.......
Who brings the kids up by themselves (apart from financially perhaps)?
Anyone living separate lives under one roof ?

And if someone offered you a free 3 bed house and a monthly income you'd.........just leave!

OP posts:
Balders74 · 01/07/2015 22:58

That sounds like my life for the last 15 years & not even the financial help! I discovered my backbone & told him to take a hike. Now the only difference is there is no useless lump on the sofa & I can watch what I want on the TV.

I do have to mow the lawn now but hey ho!

Winniethewylde · 01/07/2015 22:58

Me. i totally feel your pain and the horrid loneliness it brings. Flowers

Original poster
sportify · 01/07/2015 23:14

Flowers Why is it so difficult to move out when in this situation? Been here so long. Three young children and rely on his financial support.

I know there is help out there. I went last summer with the kids but I just couldn't manage staying at my mums with them all while waiting for support to come through. If I could support myself and the kids. I
"d have been gone ages ago.

OP posts:
blueribbons · 01/07/2015 23:56

This is me too, and it is a lonely way to live. DH's issues are not so much laziness or deliberate lack of effort, but ill health and a pessimistic outlook which have made him totally self-absorbed for a long time now. Everything has to be about him, and everything that comes from him is totally negative, so rather than be dragged down by it, it has become far easier to just do our own thing and leave him to do his. It feels like living with a flatmate, and if I could win the lottery and buy the kids and me a place of our own, we'd be out of here as soon as possible.

Y0la · 01/07/2015 23:59

i feel for you all. I was never so lonely as when I was with my x. It's years since I left him, and only had two short relationships since, but I have not experienced anything LIKE the loneliness I felt when I had to share a bed with him.

Y0la · 02/07/2015 00:01

my advice would be, google change, why humans hate it! there is such a psychology behind it all. Auto pilot is default. Shaking things up, that's hard.

CluckingBelle · 02/07/2015 08:12

Yep. Mine was also abusive and i eventually left. My life is so so easy now and I no longer feel lonely, even though most of the time it's just me and the kids.

My ex would sit in a different room to us in the evenings. He would cook for the kids then eat in a different room from us. I don't think he ever bathed them or put them to bed. He wouldn't go on days out, trips to the park, to the supermarket with us. No sports days, parents evenings, school performances. If I asked him to watch one of the children while I did something he would stand next to me holding them while I did what I was doing (hang washing out, take a bath etc). If they went to him for anything he would say 'where's mummy?'. He wouldn't look after them so I could go out anywhere without them.

You deserve a life too. You should take a chance. My money's on it being the best thing you ever did.

Original poster
sportify · 02/07/2015 19:46

Blueribbon, Yes, we're playmates too. (not sure about the mate bit though!!)
The kids and me hardly ever see him. When we do he might exchange a couple of words. I hate living like this.
I will Google change!!
Clucking, exactly. He doesn't eat with us or anything. He sits up in his room all weekend working and in the week he's back too late to ever see the kids.
He has NEVER bathed them or put them to bed.
How did you find him abusive Belle?
I'm really exhausted with the kids atm as one has asthma and another has severe eczema which is a nightmare ATM.
I've given up hope of it ever working and just feel I'm wasting this time when I should be enjoying the children. Nt worrying about him nitpicking at something when he walks through the door or better still ignoring me.

OP posts:
Original poster
sportify · 02/07/2015 19:47

Oh whoops......FLAT mates. NOT........ ever.......PLAY mates !!!!

OP posts:
Joy69 · 03/07/2015 20:51

Find me a house too ! I'm seperated for my husband & he moved out. He then moved back in again ( I didn't want him to) We sleep in seperate rooms, we eat separately, & watch TV in different rooms.
He still acts like "a lad' & goes out every weekend regardless of the kids. Like you I do 99% of the childcare. It used to bother
me, but now I think they'll know who has
always been there for them.
Tbh I'm not as lonely as I was before we seperated, but wish I could go it alone.

Y0la · 03/07/2015 21:00

That sounds like the worst of all worlds Joy!

Y0la · 03/07/2015 21:01

plus, it's something that I've noticed too, why is it that men, of any age, and regardless what age their children are, can just make a call, maybe two texts, and they can gather a gang to go out. I'm sure my friendships with my female friends are more real (iykwim) but we can't just go out at the drop of a hat!

broadbeanstew · 03/07/2015 21:06

So, why can't you leave? Or, better still, ask him to leave? There is help out there. Child benefit, working tax credit, child tax credit etc. Admittedly in my case my hand was forced as exH left for another woman, but he left me with literally nothing. It was tough but we did it, and me and the DC are much happier without him.

Blushingm · 03/07/2015 21:27

Me - and I've never felt so lonely

Original poster
sportify · 03/07/2015 22:12

So many of us Sad
He pays the mortgage Broad, I don't have it in me to ask him to leave. I'm not even on the mortgage.
Even financially we are separated. We've never had joint accounts.

OP posts:
Original poster
sportify · 03/07/2015 22:12

Flowers for blushingm

OP posts:
Blushingm · 03/07/2015 22:32

I'm on the mortgage but he pays it - we only talk if it involves logistics for the DC

blueribbons · 03/07/2015 22:58

It isn't that easy to leave - I was married before, and when we split, ex refused to leave, so the kids and I had to look for somewhere. It took me nearly half a year to find a landlord willing to rent me their property - so few will rent to people who will have to claim housing benefit, and I was even turned down by a few because I had kids! I wasn't looking in fancy areas either, these were small properties in cheap areas.

I imagine it's just going to get harder too, with more cuts to housing benefit and child/working tax credits planned - I don't earn enough to be able to pay rent, bills etc, so if we left, the kids and I would be stuck in real poverty. It's not a great choice either way, but living fairly separate lives and being able to pay the bills and provide for the kids is the better choice as far as I'm concerned - for now, anyway!

Joy69 · 03/07/2015 23:00

Im on the mortgage too. Tried to sort it out, but he won't leave, buy me out, or if I could afford it, which I can't buy him out.
I haven't got the funds atm to move out & not sure where I'd stand with the house if I did.
Eventually I will be mentally strong
enough to make a decision about all this Confused

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