stroke

[fruitbat2008]

Hi I have been married for a few years and have 3 children but my husband had a stroke 4 years and life's been up and down ever since because he is nasty about my past mistakes even though he has made mistakes as well which were both over twenty years ago and he had a dream about me being unfaithful last night and has been nasty ever since just wondering if any one else has had a problem with a husband having had a stroke all replies appreciated ????

Have the strokes impaired him? There might be a lot of emotions for him when he is realising that strokes have impaired him. He might be angry in general and anybody who is around and particularly you is exposed to it. He might just feel a great sense of vulnerability. It sounds like you need time just for yourself so he does not take over your life with his bitterness. You need to do something you like to recharge your batteries.

Sorry not got experience of this. Might be worth looking somewhere like Stroke Association.

Whatever the reason though, I don't think I'd want to live long-term with a nasty bastard.

Does he know he's doing it? Does he ever say sorry? How do you feel about your 3 dc witnessing him treating you nastily?

He is impaired after the strokes and does know he is doing it although he does blame me for being nasty but thankfully it is not affecting the kids yet????

Strokes can affect different parts of the brain and unfortunately they can affect feelings and personality. People often get very emotional as a side effect. I don't mean feeling down because of it but it makes people have stronger responses to sad times. They cry more and feel low more easily. Strokes can alter a personality making them feel and think about things they had put behind them. His processing of emotions may also be impaired and that is why he is struggling with his feelings he felt from a dream. Big hug. This very hard to deal with. I hope it gets better in time.

It sounds as if facing his own mortality has not made him a nicer person and, regardless of whether he's been left with permananent physical impairment following his stroke, he has no right to take his misery out on you/those around him.

Is he receiving any ongoing treatment from healthcare professionals, such as drugs which might account for his behaviour or physio which might cause him to be frustrated at his inability to perform certain tasks? If so, I suggest you tell them of the manner in which his mood swings impact on you... if, in fact, he's only been a moody twat since his stroke.

If he's fully recovered, back to work etc., I suggest you make it clear to him that you're not prepared to tolerate him sniping at you whenever it suits him and, if he doesn't mend his ways, you'll have to consider whether you want to stay in a marriage where you're constantly made to feel accountable for errors you made many moons ago by a man who's made his own fair share of mistakes - as do we all.

What effect is all of this having on your dc?

Cross posted - please don't fool yourself that your dc haven't noticed the way the treats you.

Please talk to his healthcare professionals about what, if anything, can be done to help both of you cope with the after effects of his stroke(s).

How nice was he before the stroke?

Hi. I have experience of this. Not OH but my father. He had a severe stroke October last year. He ended up having a clot buster. Everything went almost back to normal. His speech, mouth etc but still suffers from shakes (head and hands) particularly when he is tired. I would like to point out he was slightly miserable before the stroke but most of the time had a brilliant sense of humour but over the last months my sister and i have noticed how snappy he has become, he's down as he is unable to go back to work atm and also.... very nasty to my mum. He picks arguements with her over nothing and sometimes quite cutting. Sometimes she looks worn out and i have no idea how she puts up with it. My sister and i have both obviously moved out and mum says she just looks forward to the days we take her grandchildren to see her.
As much as i love my Dad and sat with him every day he was in the hospital after around an hour of being in their house i make excuses to leave and my sister the same. Which makes my mum angry at my Dad because she knows why. I would like to add that on his latest visit to the hospital the Dr told him his brain was like a 'circuit' and part of it will never be the same again therefore he will never be the same again.

Stroke or not- it's not fair to be spoken to like shit. I hope you're ok xx

Hi there and poor you. As others have said, strokes do damage the brain, and the kind o damage will depend on where the stroke was. The sort of anger, emotional changeability and the extreme volume of feelings/mood you describe is a common one.

Has he had any help from neuropsychologists? If not, there may be a community service for neurorehab in your area which your GP could refer him to. But he would need to be up for it.

In the meantime, search for any Stroke Association or Headway groups in your area, where you could share experience and strategies with other partners of stroke survivors, and if he wanted he could get some real help and sense of solidarity too.

Suffering a stroke or any other injury which alters the brain can leave survivors feeling very alone, unsure and scared and, predictably but unfortunately, that can get taken out on the people who see them most.