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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dp is fed up of hearing about me.

19 replies

Baileyboo15 · 20/06/2015 17:28

Been with dp for 18 months nearly. I left it a year before he met my two (7&5) dc.

They absolutely adore him. He is amazing with them and has so time for them.

Lately his mum has started to get to know me more and wanting to spend time with me and dc.

She's added me on Facebook.

Now constantly she is telling him what I put, all about me, apparently talks about me all the time, which is lovely, but he hates it. Last night we had a talk because he's been so miserable lately.

He told me he was fed up of hearing about me, or hearing things twice. It hurt. But at least he was honest.
He told me he finds it hard with the children, but said it was worth it?

I don't know what to think, I love him a lot, maybe I have been abit needy lately due to a bad smear and other things.

OP posts:

Baies · 20/06/2015 17:57

You sound very young and he sounds like a twat. Just out her on restricted access and she won't even know you post . Oh and reconsider Mr Rude as your boyfriend

nequidnimis · 20/06/2015 18:01

Maybe he's finding his mum's enthusiasm a bit unsettling - she obviously really likes you, maybe she's getting prematurely excited and seeing a future for you both, or giving off those vibes at least, and he's not quite there yet?

It's hard to know from just this information, but the fb thing coupled with his comments about your DC, do suggest some cold feet I think.

ThingummyJigg · 20/06/2015 18:01

His problem is with his mother, not you.

Block her.

DorisDazzler · 20/06/2015 18:12

Why's he complaining about this to you ? What are you meant to do about it ? Surely it's something he needs to say to his mum.

FolkGirl · 20/06/2015 18:37

How is this your issue? What exactly does he want you to do?

Original poster

Baileyboo15 · 20/06/2015 18:37

Thanks all. We are both 25, i have a failed marriage under my belt though lol.

She's added my sister on Facebook too!

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 20/06/2015 18:38

So his mother is chatting about you a lot and it upsets him?

I find this very strange tbh. What is his issue?

Never in my life have I heard a complaint over a parent liking their child's partner!

expatinscotland · 20/06/2015 18:40

I would be more concerned with his comment that he finds the children hard. I understand, at 25 it's a lot to take on, but you really need to discuss it.

pallasathena · 20/06/2015 18:45

Could he be jealous? If he's used to his mum obsessing about him and what he's doing and now she's transferred her passion from him to you, maybe he's just miffed?

Some people don't grow up very quickly and if he's still occupying number one son position...or was...he could be feeling threatened!

LumpySpacedPrincess · 20/06/2015 18:52

It does sound like he is jealous of his mum's enthusiasm, most odd.

What is his relationship history?

Fairylea · 20/06/2015 18:56

It would be a bit of a red flag to me to be honest.. Surely this early on he's meant to worship the ground you walk on and all that - surely he should be pleased his mum obviously loves you and wants to talk about you? His comments make him sound like an arse, especially about your dc.

At 25 and with 2 dc I'd look for someone more all in .... you want someone to jump in with both feet head over heels.

(Says me who is on her second marriage, 3rd long term live in relationship at 34... It took me a long time to meet my "true" dh).

Original poster

Baileyboo15 · 20/06/2015 19:05

He had a serious relationship at school, and that's it. Nothing "adult and long term".

He spoils the kids, and makes so much effort with them. He's worried he will be rubbish. My son is in the process of being looked into having autism, he is VERY hard work. Cries over everything ect.

OP posts:

Isetan · 20/06/2015 19:14

Her enthusiasm about you is a red herring (although adding your sister on fb sounds full on), he is free to tell her to shut up but instead he's having a moan to you about it and has dragged his interactions with your kids into the mix. How he manages his relationship with his mother is his responsibility. With regards to your children, he needs to be specific about any issues because you don't want this to be the start of general bitching about your kids, which never gets resolved because he isn't clear about the problem.

Don't let this behaviour become a regular thing, by being very clear that you are not a dumping ground for his inability to deal with his issues, moaning is not an effective communication style. Nip it in the bud or risk his moans becoming a real drag.

Fairylea · 20/06/2015 19:16

My son (aged 3) has autism and developmental delay so I know how difficult it can be. You need someone fully on board even more so in those circumstances.

I remember when I first started seeing my ex dh he used to vanish off home for a few hours after we'd been out for the day as a three some with dd then aged 3 ish as he felt worn out by it all and needed a break.... looking back now that was a redflag really. If you're a live in full time step parent or hoping to be it's not right to just "opt out" and that continued right up to when he left me for an ex 5 years later. He used to have his little "man room" and vanish off to there all the time playing xbox and whatever while i carried on being the parent. It just drove a wedge to be honest.

I think maybe have a talk with him about what he sees happening long term? I do think his comments are pretty off.

Original poster

Baileyboo15 · 20/06/2015 19:29

I do think he's worrying, mostly about not being good enough for the children. Their dad is completely off the scene so I think he feels he has to make up for it. He buys them presents and takes us out to castles ect which we all love.

His dm and df split when he was 9 so I'm not sure if that has something to do with it.

OP posts:

27inmyhead · 20/06/2015 19:37

Yes why is he moaning to you about his mother? He should be having a word with her.

I suppose he is being honest re the children. It is hard to be around a partner's children but it is what he is signing up for if he stays with you.

I think he is having doubts about the relationship sorry and is questioning if it is 'worth it.'

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/06/2015 19:52

Definintely the right thing to do pacing the gradual introduction to your DCs but now it seems that your boyfriend is starting to get nervy. You and your little family came as a package he may not necessarily feel super confident with the DCs but he can be guided by you.

Don't really get why his mum getting friendly is so suffocating but for now I'd block her.

Then having put that problem to bed so to speak see if DP is any happier. If there's more to it than his parent getting too close then there'll be other issues he'll raise. Maybe the remark about the DCs was just off-the-cuff - perhaps if he hadn't had much contact with that age group before meeting you, he is just in awe of what it entails raising little ones generally.

(If you are anxious about the smear result btw why not write about it on MN, here or in General Health, lots of knowledgeable people around who can put your mind at rest).

wootle · 20/06/2015 20:05

Going to go against the grain here and say wrt to children, him being worried about it is actually pretty normal from someone of that age (male or female) without kids of their own.

I love my DP, I'm fond of his DC, but I find them tiring, and if we go out for the day I do enjoy coming home to the peace and quiet of my own place. And I'm a lot older than 25, and have raised my own DC.

That doesn't mean I'm not in it for the long haul, or that I don't see a future with him. Just that it can be quite full on which takes some getting used to.

Isetan · 20/06/2015 20:11

X posted his comments about children makes sense but is spoiling your kids really the basis for building a healthy relationship with them? He sounds inexperienced and a little immature, which given his age and relationship history isn't unexpected.

I don't know wether your family circumstance is too much of a steep learning curve for your bf but you aren't his parent and you can't sort out his relationships. If he's having difficulties then by all means he can ask for your support but he can't discharge his responsibility in finding solutions by offloading onto you.

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