Erection 'problems'?

[Elefantintheroom]

I'm seeing a guy. Things have professed into the bedroom and he's a very attentive lover. However, 2 of the 3 times we've had sex he hasn't fully had an erection the whole time and the last time he didn't/couldn't ejaculate and was actually soft most of the time. The 2nd time things were much better, but we'd both had a drink.

I obviously haven't mentioned it and neither has he. I'm wondering what the cause might be though and worrying irrationally I may not be attractive enough. He obviously finds me attractive enough to sleep with me, so I'm wondering if he has some sort of anxiety about his performance? Although he seems super confident. He has sent texts 'thanking' me for seeing him the last couple of times though, is that odd?

Should I just carry on and pretend it isn't happening? Ask if there's anything I can do to please him? I've no clue how to handle this.

I obviously haven't mentioned it and neither has he.

My mind is boggling at this. I mean what happened the first time? Did he just, like, lie there? Pretend to ejaculate? Did he not say anything at all?? Not even "Sorry, things don't seem to be working too well, I'm a bit nervous, but let me get you off"?!

Possible causes:
Being overweight
Having diabetes
Certain ADs
Smoking
Drinking
Nerves
Not used to condoms (so possibly still married or partnered, or you're the first since)

It's 99% going to be performance anxiety being with a new partner. Be patience and it will come good soon :)

It sounds like your lover may be suffering from erectile dysfunction (ED). This is a fairly common condition in men in their 40's upwards, although it can effect younger guys too. The most common causes are undiagnosed physical conditions such as diabetes, high cholesterol, or even the earliest stages of heart disease or it can be caused by psychological problems such as performance anxiety as you've already mentioned.

The fact that things were much better after he'd had a drink suggests that his problem might be psychological although you won't know for sure unless you talk about it or he sees a GP.

I've experienced this twice. The guy got over it after a few weeks and the second guy told me he that he'd been suffering with the condition for sometime and then cooled off completely, although he's recently started coming on to me again but that's another story.

If I were you I think I'd leave it a few weeks to see if the situation improves. If not, I think you should ask him very gently what the problem is and see if you can get him to talk. The most important thing is not to take it personally. Remember that it's his problem not yours.

That should have read:

• The first guy got over it after a few weeks

So many questions, just not enough information to answer all of those.
It will be generic posting from here on I think.

I very much doubt it is down to your attractiveness or anything you are doing.

Pocketsaviour, it was hard some of the time and enough for us to have penetrative sex, I don't think either of us felt awkward about it.

I think it's unlikely to have a physical cause like diabetes etc due to his job, but it's possible I suppose and he just hasn't mentioned it.

Hopefully it will just improve after a while. I'm more worried about it affecting his enjoyment than mine.

I had a boyfriend who was like this, or he would stay hard but took ages to come and usually I would finish him off by hand because he couldn't come inside me.

Truth was he hadn't got over his ex. I knew it and so did he. It was like he was being unfaithful and felt guilty if he actually came inside me. He said he had had casual relationships and had no problems but he really cared about me and that was the problem- he was 'cheating'. She didn't want him back and never had him back but he could not let go of the relationship.

I got fed up with it and dumped him. Wasn't prepared to persevere with someone who was hanging on to an ex.

He was also a compulsive liar but that's another story!