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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I'm awful - but I'm not attracted to my partner anymore

14 replies

Sess01 · 17/06/2015 21:26

Hey

So when my partner and I met he was muscular, gym goer, ate well, quite active.

We've been together over two years now and its all gone. He's lost all his muscle and become really lazy. Doesn't do housework, doesn't look after the kids, plays on the PS or on his phone.

He claims he is busy at work and I get to lie in all morning!! Two kids under three no chance! I clean everyday do washing, rush the kids around places and the two dogs but he thinks my maternity leave it just feet up.

I know he's still attracted to me but I don't find him attractive, I'm in love with him without a doubt but I don't want to have sex with him.

I need help...can we fix this? I don't want to break up, we are a team and a strong one at that. Maybe I'm just shallow.

Please give me some advice!! Xxx

OP posts:

Pony74 · 17/06/2015 22:12

Ok. Why don't you feed him a load of doughnuts and then get a life.....

CrapBag · 17/06/2015 22:26

What a spiteful reply Pony. Why don't you go and hang around AIBU, it will suit you much better.

Sorry OP I don't really have any advice but I couldn't let that one go! Wold you find him ore attractive if he at least had some get up and go? Or took the pressure off you with the children? It sou d's like you have a lot on your plate so it's not surprising that sex isn't on your list anyway. Would you still find him serially attractive of he was toned and active?

It does sound like you are other in a bit of a rut and he has let himself go since settling down. He may not be happy about it either but feels stuck in a rut and no sure how to get out of it. Maybe you should both talk about it.

Original poster

Sess01 · 17/06/2015 22:33

Get a life? Lol you're a bit pathetic. I think possibly you need to get a reality check. If you fall in love with someone you have lots in common with things get hard when you suddenly gave nothing in common.

Hmmm I'm not sure. I just can't believe after two years things would go flat like this. I'm not sure why its all changed but its annoying me and I do reel bad about it.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 17/06/2015 22:43

I'm not sure why the MN jury always thinks that men are attractive if ONLY they would push a hoover

I don't think you are shallow at all. Have you spoken to him about it? How would you feel if he spent a lot of his spare time in the gym? Are you prepared to accept him taking more time out of childcare or domestic and family life to achieve this body you found attractive?

CoolAs10Fonzies · 17/06/2015 22:46

Good grief. that is probably the oddest and nastiest first response to a thread I have ever seen

OP what are the things you like about him?
how old are the dc please?
how long have you felt this way?

lots of questions but could this perhaps be a bit of a phase (for want of a better word) on mat leave suggests new baby and all the trials and tribulations that come with?

FastWindow · 17/06/2015 22:50

It is difficult to feel sexy about someone if you have a simmering resentment about day to day stuff. Women generally connect on a mental level not a visual/physical one (yes, generalising!) but if you have other stuff on your mind then it's difficult to get in the right frame of mind. Fancying the pants off someone in the first few months is so different to how the attraction evolves under the daily grind.

See how useful my advice was not sorry :( same position here

Original poster

Sess01 · 17/06/2015 23:01

Cleaning isn't that sexy haha. Its the laziness that bugs me.

When we started dating he was in the gym most nights and it didn't bother me as I was also. Now I just do my own thing whilst he bums around the house.

My kiddies are 3 (previous relationship) and 3 months.

There's probably a lot more going on than I initially thought to be honest. He used to do so much now he does so little tonight I thought I was going to break his phone whilst I was out with his dog after he gave him a rubbish lazy walk.

In the most un-childish way...I feel pooey!

OP posts:

Handywoman · 17/06/2015 23:12

You took the dog out for a second walk - OP there's definitely resentment aplenty - that definitely will kill your relationship. It goes deeper than the gym, I suspect the resentment is about his attitude. He sounds very disengaged from family life....

newnamesamegame · 17/06/2015 23:15

I hear you... there's a certain gene that some men seem to have which makes them switch off the dynamic elements of their personality when they get into a settled relationship.

I started to feel the same way about my STBXH -- I was really turned off by his total lack of interest in doing anything except sitting on the sofa watching TV. He put on weight as a result of this but it wasn't the weight gain in itself which was a turn-off. I'm a very active person and I found the idea that sitting around could be a relaxation goal in itself infinitely depressing.

I suspect your lack of attraction is based on resentment rather than a simple visual thing. It sounds as if you just feel taken for granted and that he isn't pulling his weight in the home. All of this will go much further to kill passion than a few extra pounds.

Have you told him this directly?

Original poster

Sess01 · 18/06/2015 07:27

I'm kind of glad I'm not the only one.

He asked me a few weeks ago if I found him attractive and I felt so guilty. I just said yes.

Guess I need to get past the guilt and tell him the truth x

OP posts:

PuellaEstCornelia · 18/06/2015 07:31

I agree that it's the resentment rather than the (lack of) muscle tone that is unsexy - have you talked to him about it or do you find that difficult?

Original poster

Sess01 · 18/06/2015 15:19

I find it really hard. I don't want to hurt him.

I need to deal with it asap before it ruins us. I just don't know how to do it x

OP posts:

Wackadoodle · 18/06/2015 20:59

The fact that he asked you probably means he knows the truth anyway.

RexsLittleSlut · 18/06/2015 21:43

Good grief. that is probably the oddest and nastiest first response to a thread I have ever seen

CoolAs10Fonzie - that is a massive over-reaction. Have you not read any posts here where the OP says "my husband told me I'm fat and he doesn't find me attractive any more"? Or posts from men saying "my wife has got fat and I don't want her sexually"?

& the kind of responses MN churns out to that kind of thing?

It's not a kind post granted but nasiest - no way.

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