Hurt, and a trust issue

[beleagured64]

My fiancee recently put a post up here (now deleted) in which various of my shortcomings were set out. Probably did me some good to see them, but it was horribly wounding to read the views of anonymous strangers based on one side of things. She told me that the post had been made, but when I found it she denied flatly that she had written it. I know this can't be true. There were too many specific details--- numbers and ages of our children, her work and home circumstances and very specific information about my house and personal situation.

Apart from the hurt of being discussed negatively by people who don't know me, I am really troubled by the denial that she wrote the post. For me it is becoming a trust issue.

Any thoughts?

I think you should speak to your fiancee about it

tit for tat and tastes of own medicine approaches never work well

Speak to your fiancee.

MNetters are fairly switched on. If you were discussed in a not so favourable light, it must have been for a reason.

You're not the first partner to come on here, past posters have tried and have been nipped in the bud. Just saying.

Threads are only deleted on here for specific reasons - do you know why it was deleted?

Are you hoping your fiancée will read this? This probably isn't the best place to conduct a marital conversation.

Maybe deleted for privacy reasons assuming that it is your partner. My advice would be to drop the accusations about writing the post and have a frank conversation about your relationship away from Mumsnet. You being angry about the post will distract from a great opportunity to lay all cards on the table.

Run along now......

People post on here as a sounding board. With questions that they don't have answers to, advice, sometimes, helps clear your head.
Clearly she, if it was actually your fiancée, is seeking help or clarity. or just to be informed. Normally fairly harmless.
It sounds positive that the posts " Probably did you some good to see them",
Perhaps that is where to start your discussion with her ?

Thanks to respondents. You have helped.

how is this a betrayal of trust?

She cares enough to want opinions and did it anonymously.

People are perfectly entitled to discuss their problems to get other perspectives and unless it's a rant, do so on here to try to find solutions.

Agree wholly about discussing problems and freeom to do so, hence my own post. The trust issue is about denying the post when it contained very specific information andin a ccombination that couldn't be duplicated by chance. But I think I am probably getting too preoccupied with this when, frankly, some of the points were fair criticism.

It must be horrible to see your life laid out for others to read but would you prefer she talked to her friends about it?

Why were you searching a mumsnet site? How did you manage to find yourself in relationships? How bizarre..........

Does it really matter, in the grand scheme of things if she won't own up to it?

If she was here, writing about relationship troubles then imo you'd be better off looking and working on what was said than on here trying to prove she asked for help regarding your issues.

Probably did me some good to see them, but it was horribly wounding to read the views of anonymous strangers based on one side of things.

Put up your side then. All very objective here.

I often post stuff here and then bring thread to show my DH so that he can see that I ANBU or a nutter or a nag etc. Quite useful really.

What did you take away from the thread that was useful?

Can I guess which one it was ... ? Your filthy house, 4DDs, £40k debt, working all hours but no money ... OP putting her inheritance into home for the 7 of you?

I would feel the same OP, it would probably be a deal breaker for me.

I'm sure it was upsetting for you to read. However, I must admit to finding it rather disconcerting how many women on here post under changed usernames so that their OH won't recognise them. Isn't the whole point of an anonymous forum meant to be, it's anonymous?? Surely someone posting on here about relationship issues is choosing to do so because they have no one they feel comfortable with discussing it in RL. And that includes their OH!!

For me, the alarm bells ring whenever a poster admits to name changing because the person they wish to discuss is lurking on mumsnet. I'd be shocked and betrayed if my DH was doing this, not that I've posted anything about him. You see, I trust him and he trusts me. Maybe I'll get flamed for this, but if you can't trust your OH not to stalk you on an online forum, then IMHO, you've got an issue to discuss right there. To me, it's kind of like reading someone's diary. Ever heard the phrase 'curiousity killed the cat?'

I apologise if the above sounds harsh. In agreement with other posters, I'd strongly suggest this is something you need to take up with your fiancee, not Mumsnet. Good luck.