Can I live like this?

[maybesunshine]

I'm so not sure where life is going.
Dh and I married for 12 years, 2 dc and mostly just doing our own thing.

We're just living for the dc and what else?
We don't have a sex life, no affection, it's been like this for years. Life revolves around the children. I don't like things about him, he's probably much the same with me. It's become a platonic marriage.
Anyone else living like this? I can't see how we go back to what it was.
I'd leave if it wasn't for the dc.

Then you should leave, for the DC. Even if you're not fighting, you are currently modelling a marriage that they will come to base their future relationships on as normal. Do you want your DC to think that being ambivalent about your spouse is normal? You and your DH deserve to be with people who you really, really love.

It is precisely because of the children you should leave.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here; is this really what you want to be teaching them, this to become their "norm" as adults?.

What will happen when one or both children leave home and its just the two of you?. They will also want to leave asap if things are this bad and they certainly won't thank either of you for staying together; they will call you daft for doing so and accuse you of putting him before them.

Neither of you are doing yourselves any favours by staying together and the children do pick up on the unspoken vibes you have towards each other (and perhaps even blaming themselves for their parents marital problems).

Oh, this sounds a bit like me. I sometimes worry about the messages this sends but in the same breath I couldn't bring myself to upset my DC and jeopardise their home and financial security over something I can live with.

We get on ok but there's no romance.

What's the lesser of two evils?

I can understand your point but I can only think that they'll be better off with us living together. I'm not sure I'll manage alone. I don't earn much working part time. It would be do sad for them to have us apart. We still do things with them together.

Why would you be doing it alone? Why would you not do things together any more? Why would you expect to support the DC on your wage alone? Are you saying you think he would cut you all off and never want to pay or see any of you again? Or are you saying you would try to cut off access to the DC if you left?

You've got a platonic relationship. You continue that while living in separate houses, free to have romantic relationships with others. He has 50:50 residency or whatever it is called these days, you meet up and do stuff together whenever suits you both. What's wrong with that?

I guess I hadn't thought of it being any other way if we separated than us doing everything on our own with dc.

I'm not sure if still living together and seeing other people would work?
He'd be really good I'm sure if we separated and still support us but surely I'd need to earn more?

Has living like this ever worked for anyone else?

I'm in an almost identical situation, wanting to go but earning a part-time wage. I've stayed on so far (with unfaithful dp) but it is hard as I'm bitter about what's happened. It's working on a purely practical level as he's away a lot and largely leaves me alone. Yes, I'm worried about those "messages" but there are other things worrying me too. The other option open to me at the moment is to live alone, but in poverty, which, tbh I don't much fancy. My plan is to gradually work up enough of an income to enable me to leave, but my dd is older-13-so I can do this without childcare hassles.

If I were you, I'd work out the pros and cons of each scenario and go with whichever option suits you best. You may be entitled to benefits too, so check online.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I grew up with parents like this.

It causes problems in my adult life as I do t know what a good relationship should look like.

Leave, for the kids.

I don't believe in "staying together for the kids" as such, but I do think when you have them it's worth putting a bit of effort in to make sure your marriage is really as dead as it appears or whether you've just fallen into bad habits. If it is dead though, for heaven's sake don't keep flogging it.

I think, funnily enough, this may be one of those situations where couples counselling comes in useful (with any number of caveats appended). It may help to have a mediated discussion around whether there is anything to salvage, and if there isn't, to work out how to separate in the least disruptive way for the DC. Of course it could all get a little sticky if one of you decides that leaving is the only way while the other wants to try again... but in that case a referee may be even more helpful! (Although I did couples counselling at the end of my marriage it was completely different from your situation, so not projecting more than a smidgeon here.)

I don't agree that splitting up an amicable but loveless marriage is best for the kids.

I split up from my DH because I was desperately unhappy with him but I am under no illusion that it has been good for my DCs in any way

It was a purely selfish decision and I admit it.

If you're unhappy, then you should split up for you and the kids will cope.. Only you can decide if the fallout is worth the personal gain.