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Original poster

Is this guy a player or is it me?

29 replies

Reese123 · 06/06/2015 15:33

I dated someone for a month - they were 10 years younger than me. I made it clear from the start that I wanted a serious relationship- we slept together, he buggered off immediately.

We did not speak after, but I assumed that it didn't work out because he didn't want the commitment which is understandable because of the age difference.

Now he's been dating someone for about three months who is about 6 years older than him - she inevitably will want commitment like I did.

Do you think it was me as opposed to the commitment issue that he didn't want. Please give me your thoughts on this.

OP posts:
Shakey1500 · 06/06/2015 15:44

Tricky to give a rounded opinion because it's based on assumptions, not least that the other person wants the same as you did. For all we know she might have said she wanted no commitments.

Perhaps it was him. Perhaps it was you. There's too many perhaps.

And eitherway, there's little point analysing it if it's moved on.

mumofthemonsters808 · 06/06/2015 15:44

I know it's easier said than done, but don't waste your energy trying to fathom him out. I've been in this type of situation and drove myself crazy trying to work out where someone was coming from and you get nowhere, in my situation, it probably was me rather than a commitment issue. Looking back I was a bloody fool even giving him the time of day.

Original poster
Reese123 · 06/06/2015 15:48

Hi, no he said he wanted commitment, I made it clear from day one.

And yes I am driving myself crazy analysing this stuff. But it is not that easy to move on, trust me I am trying

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confusedoflondon · 06/06/2015 15:49

OP, how could you possibly know after dating someone for just a month of your life, that you wanted a serious relationship with that person? I think that's the issue.

Shakey1500 · 06/06/2015 15:53

But why does it have to be a "was it him/was it me" struggle going on in your head? Because when all is said and done, NONE of that really matters does it? It wasn't meant to be full stop Thanks

Original poster
Reese123 · 06/06/2015 15:54

It's more that I didn't want a fling... And that I was looking to settle down. Obv you can't know this after a month, but due to the age difference didn't want to waste my time.

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Original poster
Reese123 · 06/06/2015 16:03

Ok, but the reason it is in my head a lot is because I have to see this person on a daily basis and the other girl also works in the same place.

I am trying hard to move on but when it's in your face that is quite a different matter altogether

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SolidGoldBrass · 06/06/2015 16:26

He decided that, whether or not he wanted a serious relationship in the immediate future, he didn't want one with you. That's what happened. Who he dates or has sex with now is none of your business.

It's possible, of course, that he is an Evil Penis who lies to women about his serious intentions just to get his dick wet, but equally possible that he just felt that the two of you were not compatible, perhaps not sexually compatible. (I am not saying you are crap in bed - how would I know? - but sometimes it really is only after you have sex with someone that you realise the two of you are not going to work as a committed couple).
Just put him out of your mind, treat him as just another colleague. And remember that 'don't poke the payroll' is good advice generally given for good reasons.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/06/2015 16:28

Actually, reading through again: Tread carefully. I assume you are in your 30s and worrying about your fertility - please be aware that the idea of having to have your pregnancies by 35 or you will instantly dry up and be barren is complete and utter inaccurate, outdated bullshit.
Secondly, be wary of desperation. Being desperate chases decent men away and also attracts highly undesirable ones.

Viviennemary · 06/06/2015 16:32

I think it's a mistake to say you want commitment at the start of a relationship or only after a month. Who knows why he's moved on. But he has. I agree that you can drive yourself crazy by thinking of the reasons so just move on. It is disappointing and I hope you find somebody nice soon.

Gorgonzolacherry · 06/06/2015 16:45

Hello...this is hard for you. I've recently had an epiphany after many years of dating. If a guy doesn't choose me, freely, then I'm happy about that. I don't care what the reasons are. Because he has to love me, naturally. I have to trust that somebody values me, above other women. And if he doesn't, he's not the guy for me. I want more. I want somebody to value and love me 100 %. Because, and this sounds really cheesy, I value me 100%. So try to focus on that. He didn't choose you. But clearly, he didn't see you and appreciate you for who you truly are. Who cares what his reasons are. You deserve a man that is smart enough and clever enough to realise that you're worth it.

Sounds like a shampoo advert. But it's given me so much peace. I recently had a wobble in my own relationship. And instead of clinging on, I gently let him go and let my own expectations go, to realise on his own whether he did want to truly be with me. And he did. So, a different ending to your story.

I hope this helps in some small way.

Hissy · 06/06/2015 16:51

I would not date anyone 10 years younger than me, I just don't take them seriously tbh. There are far too many blokes just looking for a shag, and they will say whatever you want to hear. The fact that he buggered off after he slept with you just shows he's a complete arsehole, and at least you on,y wasted a month on him.

gorgonzola those words are very powerful!

Original poster
Reese123 · 06/06/2015 17:02

Gorgonzolacherry - thank you for the beautiful words - I obv was lead to believe his feelings were deeper than they were. And with the new revelations i now know he thinks we weren't sexually compatible.

I do deserve so much more - I know that ?? - someone that is not so superficial and who is a flight risk that is for sure

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specialsubject · 06/06/2015 17:09

may I also suggest, as mentioned, that you keep your doorstep clear from excrement in future (in the nicest possible way).

worry not, move on.

OhDearMuriel · 06/06/2015 17:13

A much higher percentage of men settle down with someone closer to their age or (a lot) younger than themselves.

Of course these bigger age gaps do exist, but they are usually a lot less common, from what I have observed.

Try not to waste anymore time thinking about it (hard I know because you work with them, but not impossible with a good talking to yourself!). Focus on positive things, and in time the right one will come along.

Good luck.

Gorgonzolacherry · 06/06/2015 19:34

reese I am sorry that he told you that he thinks you weren't sexually compatible. I have been told that before and it is deeply hurtful. But I wouldn't be hurt if told that again, because, as I say, if someone doesn't find me sexually irresistible then frankly, they aren't sexual enough for me. Focus on that. He obviously has some sexual barriers and you will find someone who blows your mind! i think that's very shallow of him, sex ebbs and flows. Electricity, chemistry, ebbs and flows. You deserve someone who enjoys you, absolutely, as a woman. Who is comfortable with that ebb and flow and doesn't oppanic about it and lurch off for the next quick fix. I didn't want to say this, but I am afraid he sounds very immature.

Original poster
Reese123 · 06/06/2015 23:34

Solidgoldbrass - just to confirm I am hardly desperate as was previously single for more than 5 years before this even though i had my fair share of offers. What I did do was be stupidly honest and asked that person over 20 times whether they were ready for a committed relationship. That isn't a conversation i have had with any subsequent dates, in fact I've become quite closed now.

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Gorgonzolacherry · 06/06/2015 23:51

The world of dating is brutal, isn't it? We lay ourselves completely open, present ourselves ready to be loved And then 99% of the time, one or the other rejects the partnership. Ouch. So searingly personal. Such a vote of no confidence in who we are as people. It's just awful when it goes wrong. But someone will be along, sooner or later (and you will have to work hard to get out there and meet that someone) who sees who you are and totally digs you. You'll match.

Don't be closed now. Don't let this affect you. This guy just isn't for you. And I feel this particularly given his comment about sexual incompatibility. That's unkind, personal and ungentlemanly.

Could you bare to go Internet dating? I had a friend round this evening who showed me a new dating app on her phone called Happn the guys on it looked handsome! I was actually a bit envious of her careering around town meeting all these new men. Or could you join a club...meet new people. Move on with confidence that around a corner (and it may be a fairly windy path) there will be that guy who digs you. And by God it will feel good. And by God you will revel in it after years of being single. And I reckon you will be a peach to go out with... You sound kind and considered.

excitedbutscared · 07/06/2015 08:43

Hi gorgonzola

I'm interested in what you said about your recent situation, and how you 'gently let him go' and how that let him realise he did want to be with you.

How did you do this? Strange question I'm sure. Was it more of a mental and emotional thing that he just felt from you or were there specific actions you took or things you said?

LosingTheWillToSkate · 07/06/2015 09:55

You asked someone you were dating for 1 month if they wanted a committed relationship OVER 20 TIMES?????

You make yourself sound incredibly high maintenance. That would wear down the most laid back of people, and that's aside from it being really quite full on for a new relationship. I mean after a month its fun. Why did you not accept his answer, whatever it was??

Original poster
Reese123 · 07/06/2015 10:59

Ok 20 times is probably an exaggeration - but because of the age difference I felt incredibly guilty - I thought he should be having fun with girls his own age and travelling, etc.

Trust me all I said was please think about this a few times. I am a kind, gentle and considerate person and easy going.

at the end of the day I criticise myself enough - I have taken many lessons away with me from this - it's a shame he hasn't.

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confusedoflondon · 07/06/2015 11:55

I have never understood the asking someone if this is what they really want thing. If it's not they will vote with their feet (as he has) . Words are irrelevant and not a verbal contract of anything.

confusedoflondon · 07/06/2015 11:55

After a month I think you scared him off, sorry.

QuintShhhhhh · 07/06/2015 11:58

I made it clear from the start that I wanted a serious relationship- we slept together, he buggered off immediately.

I dont think you can order commitment to happen before you have even slept together. Commitment happens later down the line. He probably buggered off because you wanted too much too soon for him, rather than wait and see where it was heading?

Original poster
Reese123 · 07/06/2015 12:20

Yes totally agree with you confused and quint - lesson truly learnt.

I think I'm just annoyed that I understand he's not ready for commitment but has gone into another relationship with someone in their early 30's. But to tell the truth I have driven myself crazy enough - Time to STOP

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