Some urgent practical help needed

[AnneOfAramis]

Another blazing row this morning had ended with me telling H that our marriage is over. I have asked him to leave.

We live in a council flat (12 years or more) and I have asked him to leave. He has said it's his flat and he won't go, that I can leave with or without the DC. I have very very recently started a new job and renting around here is going to be too expensive. My only option is to go to my parents who live at least 45 mins away from the DC school. I also know that if I leave then I will prob lose my right (if I have one) to move back and get him to leave .

Does anyone have any practical advise? I am thinking that we go to my parents today to show him we are serious and then discuss when calmer but if I don't act today then we will just keep going around in circles.

For context, history if borderline EA, he complained he couldn't go to the gym because I asked him to go to DS1 sports day (one example of many where he can't be bothered because he is 'tired').

Anyway I don't want to get into a rant about him today I just want to set the wheels in motion so he knows I am serious.

What does your tenancy agreement say, are you both named on it?

Is shelter helpline open today if so phone them as I'm fairly sure they will know where you stand legally.

I think if you are named on the tenancy then he cannot get your name removed without your consent.

Why does it have to be you that leaves?

He is the lead tenant as the flat was originally got before we met, but I am a joint tenant since I moved in about 10 years ago.

Bollocks- because he is an arse.

Speak to your housing association they may be prepared to rehouse you. I'd talk to them before either of you move out.

I second talking to the housing association. You need to get your facts straight before you do anything. Formulate a plan before you do anything rash.

And congratulations. Always good to see someone finding the strength to leave. Fair play to you, it isn't easy.

Sorry to hear that. It's not easy.

Thanks all. We have had another conversation and now apparently it's all my decision. I have said we are going to my mums for the weekend to give him the space to consider the practicalities. Hopefully this gives breathing space and we can both be sensible about the arrangements, plus I can't look into arrangements until next week.

As a joint tenant you have much right to live in the property as he does and, as Random has said, he cannot have your name removed from the tenancy without your consent.

In addition and presupposing that it is a 2-3 bed flat, unless he is the primary carer for your dc it's probable he will be required to move to a smaller property if you leave him

The way things are going social housing wise it could even be that the council may seek to reclalim the property as, in the absence of you and the dc, there will be no statutory obligation on them to house him unless he is a vulnerable adult by virtue of some disability/chronic illness etc.

I suggest that instead of making today into something akin to Custer's Last Stand, you consider taking your dc to stay overnight with your dps and return tomorrow with a view to making an appointment on Monday to see the housing officer who is responsible for your property and ascertain whether there is anything they can do to help you find alternative accomodation within the local area - I doubt there is, but it's worth a try and may serve to convince your h that you are deadly serious.

I am not sure which of us would be seen as primary carer to be honest. I work normal office hours and he works 5 days over 7 so is around twice a week for school runs etc so I expect, on paper at least we look 50/50. If we can remain amicable this could be a workable situation, but it's too soon to think too much about that I think.

Thank you for the advice, i have said that we are going tonight but will be back tomorrow evening. He won't discuss anything though, as this is my decision he says.

I will have a look at privately renting today too. I want to make sure we have as many options as possible.

He acquired it first so he won't be asked to leave

I would seek legal advice asap, no man is above the law and you certainly need to speak to the HA.

If anyone should be leaving here it is him.

He is not going to make any aspect of your separation at all amicable; he will likely dig in and drag all this out for as long as possible. He will do this to get back at you for having the gall of leaving him. That is also perhaps why he has said that its all your decision; so he can blame you for the separation. He will never take any responsibility for his own actions here ever.

I'm not suggesting that he will be asked to leave on your say-so, but he may find he can't stay in the property without you and the dc being in residence.

It occurs to me that your council housing department may be willing to nominate you to a housing association and/or point you in the direction of properties to rent privately within the vicinity of the dcs school.

Also as Random has suggested, give Shelter a ring to ascertain what entitltement, if any, you may have with regard to council/social housing if you take steps to divorce your h.

My main priority is to ensure the DC don't have to move school and that they have easy access to their father. This appears best achieved by us staying here and him renting privately nearby. I guess though that I have had a long time to think about it, whereas although it has come up before his is a angry gut reaction.

One of us has to rent privately that is clear but for the moment I don't want to up root the DC from their home too.

He won't accept responsibility, no. That's because he thinks you just carry on and on and on. He genuinely thinks that if I clean more and lose weight all will be right with the world.

He has just left for work and I am already relenting because he won't be back until 11 tonight anyway so am I just uprooting the kids today for no reason. He will go back to work tomorrow too.

I have had a quick browse at rents and it looks like I can afford a 2 bed but it would take time to get deposits together, slightly further away I found a four bed house so it might not be as bad as imagined.

How could you doubt it, Anne? Of course all will be right with his the world if you clean more and it's common knowledge that scrubbing floors and climbing up and down stepladders to clean windows, picture rails, light fittings and all other items where the dirt is not visible above shoulder height burns calories and results in weight loss faster and cheaper than the cost of his gym membership.

Alternatively, you could follow the Quentin Crisp quide to housework and slob out in front of the tvrelax with and content in the knowledge that after the first 4 years the dirt doesn't get any worse

It won't get better if you 'clean more and lose weight'. It won't get better because this man thinks you are a 'woman' not a human being and therefore you exist for his benefit and are his property. It's not possible to change the mindset of men like this: you just need to get rid. Don't discuss things any further with him, just go to the HA/Coucil/SHelter and find out what they can offer, then tell the man what is going to happen (because he doesn't get to make the decisions.)

I had a similar situation with my ex, the HA wouldn't act without a court order which I was granted because I am the children's primary carer.

I have been thinking about it all today. DC3 often sleeps with me and his room has a double bed so I am going to set about tomorrow setting it up for H tomorrow as a temporary measure whilst we discuss the longer term practicalities. I am hoping this will demonstrate that I am serious about the separation.

Google search solicitors in your area who specialise in divorce and family law, compile a list and leave it by the side of your laptop/computer.