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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Loveless relationship

19 replies

purpleme12 · 31/05/2015 20:31

My partner loves to say he loves me but shows s me no love and just contempt and annoyance. I don't know where the person I fell in love with is. There seems to be no trace of it. He blames it on mental health, that he's forgotten howhow to show love. I'm heartbroken. I wanted to be with the person he was and I wanted to bring my child up with him. I can't get him to see the things I see. II don'tknow who he is anymore.

OP posts:

mrstweefromtweesville · 31/05/2015 20:52

Leave.
Your child, not his? Leave even sooner.

Newrule · 31/05/2015 20:57

Does he have a diagnosed mental health problem?

I'm interested in hearing the advice of mumsnetters. There are at least two threads where men are in a similar situation. The general advice is, more patience, lots of love, hugs, and understanding that the person is not well.

Original poster

purpleme12 · 31/05/2015 21:08

It's our child. Yes it's diagnosed. I can't give love hugs and patience when I don't recognise him anymore I don't know who he is I feel so so alone. I've only got my little girl and I have to be there for her. I try to get through ti him but he won't take responsibility. I'm the same person I always was. I want the person I knew originally back but I think he's gone

OP posts:

missqwerty · 31/05/2015 21:14

He won't be gone. Is he abusive to you? If so then disregard what I say. However if he's distant and unloving then that is a symptom of MH issues. At first you are so down about your issues it's all you see, but with the right help and support he can recover.

If there are no red flags, just this going on. Maybe give it some time and keep track on what he's doing to help himself.

chelle792 · 31/05/2015 21:21

I suffered from a mental illness. For about 12 months I was "incapable" of anything other than selfish thought. It took all my energy to feed, dress and care for myself.

I'm amazed at the few threads which show such a lack of sympathy with people suffering from mental health.

Is he showing willing to recover? Counselling, etc?

I urge you to be patient - I think it's almost harder for the one supporting than the one with the illness. I was unrecognisable compared to the happy, bubbly, selfless person I was when I was well. I can tell you now though, that person is back and I am as caring and as thoughtful as before :)

heyday · 31/05/2015 21:56

I agree with chelle. Mental illness is a dreadful condition for both, those who are unwell but also for their nearest and dearest.
You haven't given any indication of what your partner is doing about getting help with his condition. If he is on medication then it could be that which is making him more distant as a lot of them cause the sufferer to feel nothing and feel almost numb. If he is not on medication then it is probably time for him to speak to the doctor.
I do suggest that you phone someone at MIND to speak to professional people who can advise and support you as they will fully understand the difficulties you, as a partner, is going through and may be able to give your DP some advice and guidance too.
I can understand your frustration at the moment but perhaps it's time to sit down with him and tell him how serious things are at the moment and how it is affecting you and your child.

Original poster

purpleme12 · 31/05/2015 22:23

I tell him all the time. He's getting CBT he thinks he's getting better but it's just getting worse. He says he's got better in how he handles work and housework and bills and doesn't feel as nervous about going out anymore meanwhile of course we're getting worse cos obviously we're not seen as important enough. He's on medicine too. I'm losing hope so bad. He's not really even distant he's just never happy never relaxed never interested or kind to us and doesn't show any love. Often contempt and doesn't take any responsibility.

OP posts:

trulyagog · 31/05/2015 22:54

I would urge you to show some patience and heed the advice of 4 of the previous 5 posters.

You both need some help by the sounds of it.

Too many people are too quick to tell you to run for the hills for your own good IMHO.

goddessofsmallthings · 31/05/2015 23:49

How long have you been together and when did his current mental health conditon begin? Is it depression or some other diagnosis?

Do you have any real life support from friends/family? If so, have they noticed that he is contemptuous of you?

Do you go out as a couple and meet up with others? Does he work? If so, is it only you he treats with contempt or does also treat others, or speak about them, with disdain?

Original poster

purpleme12 · 01/06/2015 00:21

6 and a half years. He's always been depressed and had anxiety and it was the kind I could deal with to start with and for a fair while after but then it started to get worse and affect everything and seems to have got worse and worse. He says he loves me and doesn't know why he can't show it or be that happy relaxed person where we can enjoy each other or other things together

OP posts:

mrstweefromtweesville · 01/06/2015 00:36

My mother had severe mental health issues and I suffer from anxiety and depression.
I still say 'Leave'.
No amount of sympathy can make him well. No amount of understanding can help him make a decent life for you and your child. He might get well, he might not.
I am easing out of what might have been a 20-year depression. It doesn't always go away in a year.
You don't want this life. You know that. You don't have to sacrifice your life and that of your child to his illness. You want to get away.
So leave. You are there, you can help your daughter out of this situation.
There was no-one to help my daughter, only her and me, and she bears the scars.

Original poster

purpleme12 · 01/06/2015 00:49

I've never dealt with bills before or a house and bills and a child I'm so scared of moving out on my own. I earn hardly anything. I'm so scared

OP posts:

mrstweefromtweesville · 01/06/2015 00:58

I understand that you are scared. I am completely scared of life!
But at 28 I was alone with a four year old and a home to run - no job, no nothing. I was married, I got a solicitor and eventually a divorce. I found I could deal with bills etc, it wasn't a big deal. (strangely, I can't deal with them now. I need to change that).
I kept a really simple account book and on Sunday night I went through the weeks bills, paying any that needed. I used (and still use) direct debit wherever I can. Honestly, you can do it.

Original poster

purpleme12 · 20/06/2015 21:08

I think he's gone. I don't know who he is anymore. I wanted so much more than this for my daughter. I thought I'd found someone who really loved me. Instead I've bought a daughter into the world to be subjected to this

OP posts:

27inmyhead · 20/06/2015 21:15

I lived with someone with depression for a long time and to those saying, give him you support, hang on in there, the depressive often doesn't want that. He didn't want to talk or be touched, he wanted to be alone, everything irritated him, he didn't want family life, couldn't deal with it. So how can you live as a family like that?

Unless you can see light at the end of the tunnel eg his medication working, I would make plans to end the relationship. That doesn't necessarily mean you and your child leaving by the way.

Original poster

purpleme12 · 20/06/2015 21:35

I miss the person he was so much. He doesn't seem to want to take responsibility he says he is and he gives examples of how he thinks he is but he wouldn't be having a go at me all the time for saying the things I say if he was. I'm so scared about what this means for us

OP posts:

Isetan · 21/06/2015 07:35

It's not clear from your posts how unreasonable his behaviour is, can you be more specific or give examples? How has behaviour deteriorated?

What is your life like outside of your relationship, do you have friends and family support, hobbies, plans for entering the job market etc?

Sorry for all the questions but it's hard to tell if he's at the root of your unhappiness or if there other contributing factors that are within your power to change.

Original poster

purpleme12 · 21/06/2015 13:38

I want my family back but I feel hurt at what I've had to go through because iI don'tknow where that person is anymore. I feel ashamed of what we're going through, we had so much. You don't have to answer constructively I had to get it out. II feelashamed that this is happening, that he threw it all away. II knowiI havent given aa goodggood explanation , don't feel you have to answer but I have to get it out

OP posts:

mistymeanour · 21/06/2015 19:28

Get it all out if it helps. It's so awful as no one can really feel the heartrending pain of it all but yourself. There is a discussion board here depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/

for those caring for or who have been seperated from loved ones with depression it was started on the back of 2 books for SO's by Anne Sheffield. www.amazon.co.uk/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed/dp/0609804154/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
www.amazon.co.uk/Depression-Fallout-Anne-Sheffield/dp/0060009349/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

I found the board archives and posts useful and also the books in understanding depression and more importantly of how to take care of myself and survive.
Be your own best friend and put your energy into your relationship with your daughter. Don't feel rushed to leave or make any decisions.

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