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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Keeping a secret

18 replies

Blackbeauty91 · 31/05/2015 02:05

Hello everyone I'm in need of some advice. One of my closest friends is in a abusive relationship and I already gave her as much advice as I could but she's still with him, she buys him everything he needs and then he hits her every now in then. The last time was like a week ago and she always forgives him. He left her a bruise on her face and near her eye before and she lied to her family, that a golf ball hit her in the face. She wants to get a house togther since we are both in our early mid 20s with no kids. But I honestly don't want too because I know she will bring her bf around and I really dislike him now and hate how she pretends it's okay to be treated like that. Sometimes she makes me feel crazy like I don't have a point and being in a abusive relationship is okay!! Well her parents want to know why I'm backing out of moving in with her and getting a house. I've known them all for 6 years. Should I tell her dad the real reason why I don't wanna move out with her and how her bf that pretends to be so sweet, isn't sweet at all??? I really don't want to keep her secret and her getting hurt worse.

Thank you

OP posts:

PeppermintCrayon · 31/05/2015 02:11

Tell him to ask her?

You know, it's possible she actually does believe it's okay to be treated like this.

BrowersBlues · 31/05/2015 02:21

Tell her parents. Domestic abuse thrives because people are too scared to talk about it. Women who are being abused are not able to make a judgement on what is best for them, it is part of the abuse cycle.

I urge you to tell them. If he is not exposed he will continue to abuse your friend.

BitOfFun · 31/05/2015 02:22

Yes, I would definitely advise you to tell him.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 31/05/2015 05:40

I think you should tell him, but be prepared for your friend to never speak to you again if you do.

You don't actually have say he hits her. You could just say 'I don't feel comfortable moving in with her while she is still with him. He has serious anger management issues, I don't think it's a healthy relationship and I don't want to have to witness him kicking off in my own home. I can't make her decisions for her, but I don't have to tolerate being around it myself.'

Then if they ask questions say 'You'll have to speak to her about it. I am only telling you because I want you to understand why I am backing out of the house.'

Or if even that seems to much just say something like 'I am sorry you are disappointed but you need to understand that I have very sound reasons for this decision and I haven't made it lightly. I have some serious concerns about her boyfriend and don't really want to live in a place where he has regular access. That's all I'm prepared to say and if you want to know more you should speak to her about it, but please stop giving me a hard time over it.'

If you spill all the details your friend will not forgive you and the friendship will probably break down anyway. If that really matters to you then tread very carefully with what you say.

5YearsTime · 31/05/2015 05:45

Tell them very clearly. She needs help. She will still have to make the choice to leave him herself but at least more people will be looking out for her. No point you getting involved in lying too!

MadeMan · 31/05/2015 07:30

I think house/flat sharing with friends once you get to around mid 20's can be a mistake anyway because usually by then most people have grown up a bit and it can get awkward sometimes with close friends if they aren't pulling their weight. It might be alright if you're late teens and just starting out in life, but if you have to share a place due to finances at 25+ then share with strangers that you don't have any connections or history with.

I think you should probably back out of moving in with her and if you don't feel like telling the parents the truth, just say you aren't quite ready at the moment or something.

flatbellyfella · 31/05/2015 15:26

Yes tell them, I would want to know if my Daughter was being treated like she is.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 31/05/2015 15:42

Tell them. You may just be confirming something they already suspected.

Bogeyface · 31/05/2015 15:45

I would be inclined to tell them if only because if you do back out then there is a good chance that she will move in with him instead and that will be far harder to get out of.

nicenewdusters · 31/05/2015 16:45

I would tell her parents but in the knowledge that it may break your friendship. Hopefully in the long term she will see that you did the right thing and was being a good friend.

workingtoohardmum · 31/05/2015 17:41

Tell her why your not moving in , tell her parents , tell everyone who cares about her and tell her why your doing that. I was in an abusive relationship (mainly emotional,financial and some physical abuse) for 4 years. No one helped me leave him I was really very scared to leave him and ashamed and couldn't see it or admit the truth to myself. I'm bitter now that friends and family we're not firmer I needed help, real help. She may be very upset with you but in time she'll be very grateful. I wasted the best part of my twenties on him ...my friends and family avoided the issues for a quite life ...or something I still don"t understand . Rally support for her don't do it on your own ....spk to everyone who cares about her .
You must act ..Good luck

AnyFucker · 31/05/2015 17:44

Tell the truth and tell everyone why

And fgs, don't share a house with her while she is still with him

You can support her from afar, but sharing the same living space means you will never get away from him

She might hate you for it (for a while) but one day she will understand

workingtoohardmum · 31/05/2015 17:48

Well put! AnyFucker

tribpot · 31/05/2015 17:49

Definitely tell them. And point out you'd have no choice but to phone the police if he abused her whilst you were in the flat, for your own safety as much as hers.

She will hate you for it, I'm sure - but by speaking out you will be showing her there is another way to live. Ultimately that might save her life.

goddessofsmallthings · 31/05/2015 19:52

Exactly what AF said.

In these circumstances I'd have no hesitation in speaking out to all and sundry.

I might lose a friend but I couldn't live with my conscience if his violence escalated to the point where she ended in hospital or worse and, as he's caused at least one visible injury, there's a good chance she will be hospitalised in the not too distant future if she stays with him.

DollStar · 31/05/2015 21:45

Please tell her parents

candlesandlight · 31/05/2015 21:56

I agree with the above, tell her family.she may not thank you now , but given time when she can see the reality of her situation she will be grateful. Good luck, be brave

BrowersBlues · 01/06/2015 04:01

Please tell them. Working the same thing happened to me, friends of mine just carried on having a friendship with my EXH when they knew he had physically and mentally abused me. This was over 18 years ago and I still don't get it. Needless to say I have nothing to do with those friends now. It was a complicated situation as I had to pretend to be nice to my EX in case he turned violent but I had told close friends the whole story. They remain friends of his to this day. To be honest I have no respect for them.

Could you perhaps ask your friend to go along to see Women's Aid and suggest that you go with her? Denial is a very real issue with domestic violence, it is almost that you cannot admit it to yourself because it is so awful and so terrifying.

She probably thinks that if she doesn't face it, it is not really happening to her. You are a great friend to post on MN seeking advice on her behalf. I wish I had had a friend like you, maybe I would have realised sooner. Don't give up on her, tell anyone who will listen.

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