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Relationships

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Original poster

Positive stories about older half-siblings?

27 replies

rosepetalsoup · 27/05/2015 14:14

I have two little children with DH, and he has two older teenagers. Our relationship with them is good overall but they do not live close and do not visit as often as they might.

My two are close and happy, and I want them to have a very good bond. Does anyone have any experience of being a child of a second marriage with older half-siblings? I am imagining that my two will be able to have a normal, close live-in sibling relationship and that a relationship with the other two will be a bonus if it works out.

OP posts:

MarchLikeAnAnt · 27/05/2015 14:20

All 4 of my siblings are half siblings and older than me. We all get along fine, we don't even count ourselves as half siblings (seems odd even writing 'half sibling').

Delilahfandango · 27/05/2015 14:22

We have a younger joint sibling and 2 from my 1st marriage and 1 from OHs previous relationship. My 2 lived with us (they're now grown up - one lives with his GF and DD is at uni - so home in holidays) DSS used to stay in holidays etc - also now grown up and independent. Anyway, youngest child has had a standard relationship with all siblings - closer to DD as they are closer in age. He has a lovely relationship with his 2 brothers and would say, if anything, his relationship with non resident brother is extra special - there is 11 years between them. It's a slightly different relationship I suppose but there is definitely a strong bond with all of them.

SunnyBaudelaire · 27/05/2015 14:22

honestly? stop calling them 'half siblings' , that would be a great start. It is just so unintentionally offensive.

Delilahfandango · 27/05/2015 14:23

I mean we have a joint child, not sibling!!

Allstoppedup · 27/05/2015 14:28

My brother has a different dad to my sister and I. If I'm honest, it's never been focussed on as an issue and I've never referred to him as anything other than my brother and consider him to be no different 'family' wise to my sister (who has the same parents)

As siblings we all get on and he was great fun and a fantastic older brother when we were little and continues to be now we are all grown up!

It was never really dwelled upon that there was a difference and so we just grew up as siblings- not half anything's!

Allstoppedup · 27/05/2015 14:29

Ooh should add my brother is 8 years older than me.

Snowberry86 · 27/05/2015 14:32

My DH has 3 older half siblings (2 from his dad, one from his mum) and a full sister.

He gets on with them all the same but is slightly closer to the full sister, mainly because she closer in age.

They all grew up together though as a family of 7.

WipsGlitter · 27/05/2015 14:33

What's the age gap? My mum has two half siblings who are considerably younger that her, I think she was about 30 when they were born! They are not that close, although we did spend a lot of time with them when we were all young. My mum's stepmum was the same age as my mum.

I think my mum and her full sister just don't feel they have that much in common. My half-aunt does seem to want to feel part of their family though and I think it is very hard for her. She is estranged from her mum and sister and lost her dad in her twenties and I think she feels a bit family-less. They did meet up recently and had a nice time though.

Original poster

rosepetalsoup · 27/05/2015 14:39

Age gap is 12 and 14 years. Wipsglitter is your mum close to her fill sibling? Did she find it very confusing growing up?

OP posts:

Melonfool · 27/05/2015 14:47

I would guess this depends on residency?

I have a [half] sister 8 years older but we grew up together and she didn't have contact with her father at all. Sadly we had an abusive father [my natural father, who adopted her as was common back then] so our childhood was pretty horrid anyway, but I get on far better with her than my younger [full] brother. But our brother is odd and sister doesn't get on with him either.

I very rarely refer to her as my half-sister, only if it's relevant for some reason (say I might be talking about her father [who she met as an adult and now has a relationship with], or her other half-siblings of which she suddenly has many!). We're quite old now, me 47, her 55.

The only time it ever came up, and which still upsets me, was her mil. Sister has two children, boy and girl, and I have always been pretty close to them - admittedly trying to act as the whole family for them as our parents were simply never interested in their grandchildren.

Sister's bil had their second child and mil said 'well, you won't get any more cousins now' to niece and nephew. Niece said 'no, aunty Mel might have children' and mil said 'but they won't be your real cousins because she's not your real aunt'. Bitch. She's not a terribly pleasant woman and obviously I don't have much reason to see her, but I can never get over that.

So, to me it's a) residency and b) how you refer to them.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 27/05/2015 14:48

stop calling them 'half siblings' , that would be a great start. It is just so unintentionally offensive

To you, perhaps, but please don't assume on behalf of others. Lots of peple with half siblings prefer it to be acknowledged, and you are offending them if you deny the actual relationship. For example, if you insisted on calling my half siblings my full siblings, you'd be erasing all acknowledgement of one my parents, or one of theirs.
I hate when people think they are arbiters of what others find offensive.

OllyBJolly · 27/05/2015 14:48

I have an older brother (10 years older) and I can honestly say I don't think any differently about him than I do my younger brother or any of my sisters. He was just as horrible to me growing up as I was to my younger siblings and has been a tower of strength and support when I've needed it as an adult. His kids are as much nieces and nephew as the rest.

We are a pretty dysfunctional family but on this one issue I can say having different mothers was never one of our problems!

WipsGlitter · 27/05/2015 15:01

Yes, her full sibling is her twin. They lost their mum when they were about 11 and then their dad married again but she also died and then he married his third wife so they are very close.

I think she was all grown up by the time her half-siblings came along. Her and his sister were both married with their own young families.

HootyMcTooty · 27/05/2015 18:55

I have a much younger (half) sibling. We have a great relationship, as good as any sibling relationship can be. Obviously when she was a child it wasn't exactly an equal relationship, but we got on in a sort of aunt/niece sort of a way. Now she's an adult our relationship is very much as any would be between two adult siblings. However, we were raised in the same home and lived together until I went to Uni, which I think makes a huge difference. If there's very little contact, that will affect how they bond.

HerRoyalNotness · 27/05/2015 19:01

I have younger half-siblings (nothing wrong with using that, it is factual!), 14 and 16ys younger. I met them only in my 20s, so a little different.

I had a couple of years living near them when they were teenagers and spent time with them. Now I live waaaaaay across the world from them, but love them both dearly, and keep in touch on FB, and occasional email. I'd do whatever I could for them if they were in need. Hopefully we are moving to at least the same country in the next month, I can't wait to see them again, and for my DSs to meet them too.

For your littles, I'd have them draw pictures to send to their siblings, cards when they're older, and email etc. All good ways to build up a relationship when they don't live close.

TrulyTurtles · 27/05/2015 19:10

My lovely sister who is 14 years older than me is fantastic. Tbf, by the time I was 5 she had moved out for work, then marriage and we weren't massively close then, never rowed,but now we are. Then, when I was 14 I found out I had another sister, who is 6 years older than me, we are really close, just clicked at first meeting.

BeCool · 27/05/2015 19:47

I am the oldest of 5 - 3 & 2.

It was very hard to watch the younger 2 have swimming pools, ponies, music lessons etc etc etc while we got fuck all.

But we are all grown now and get on ok.

LaBette001 · 27/05/2015 19:51

One of the best relatuonships I have in my life is with my little (half) sis.

She's 21 and I'm 35 million years old and we see loads of eachother and have a nice time. I'm not immature and have loads of friends my own age but we get along well!

CalamitouslyWrong · 27/05/2015 20:01

In our family siblings (like people) are non-divisible. You either are a sibling or you are not. You cannot be a fraction of one. We see the sibling thing as about the boys relationship with each other; their parenthood is irrelevant to that.

DS1 and 2 get on brilliantly. There is a 9 year age difference but they have a lovely, close relationship. It probably does make a difference that they live together the majority of the time. It's harder to have a close bond with someone you see less regularly.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 27/05/2015 20:08

Thats fine if that works for you. But don't assume other peoples feelings on their relationships because of the terminology they use.

INickedAName · 27/05/2015 20:18

I am an older half sibling, I never ever say half sibling though, I just say my sister. I mean I know she's my half sister, but she's no different than my full brother in everyone's eyes.

Dd is a younger half sibling, and again she referes to her half brother simply as brother and he calls her his sister. There's a ten year age gap there. There's been occasions where dd has been talking about her brother, and other family members correct her, saying "no, no, your just his half sister" I put a stop to that, as it upset them both. It's context that matters imo. Correcting a child who is comfortable saying sister is rude. If they want to refer to themselves as brother and sister, then they can. If they want to say half sibling, that's fine too. Each family is different.

INickedAName · 27/05/2015 20:19

Also there's a ten year age gap between me and my younger sister, she's my best friend.

CalamitouslyWrong · 27/05/2015 20:23

I don't actually care how other people refer to the relationships within their families. That's why is started by saying that 'in our family...'.

I think it's hugely problematic to even try to standardise how people frame familial relationships. Usually people seeking to do so have some political axe to grind about what families should be like.

SouthWestmom · 27/05/2015 20:24

So dd has two half siblings who are from my first marriage. My current dh has been totally fine with them visiting etc but the relationship really took off when they all had access to Twitter and Facebook and I'm no longer the middle man. They get on brilliantly in a little sis sort of way.

ImNotShpanishImEgyptshun · 27/05/2015 20:40

I have 11 half siblings, all between 10 to 20 years older than me. I grew up with with six of them full time, all my mom's children from her first marriage. It was an interesting upbringing, as my dad worked away all week. The older siblings are more like uncles, the younger more like brothers. I've got nieces near the same age as me, more like cousins, and much younger ones too. If that's your family, you just accept it and get on with it. It's becoming more and more common, and I found it quite enriching. I wished I had another full sibling near my age though. I always felt very different.

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