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Original poster

The new GF is pregnant, how to handle this?

26 replies

ChickOnAMission · 26/05/2015 10:40

Oh god.

STBEXH has informed me his girlfriend of 5 months is pregnant, apparently they are both delighted and will move in together ASAP.

We're separated 2 years, about to get divorced, have been amicable but less so lately since the new GF came on the scene. Mainly because he has stopped paying anything.

2 DC 11 and 5, both at private school where he is very behind with the fees. One of them is moving to state school in September, the other I want to try and keep there for his last year in primary before he moves to senior school.

He is in huge debt, both schools threatening to exclude the kids if fees are not paid promptly. I am in communication with the schools but I can't pay, the deal is he pays the fees and I look after them. He is ignoring them. He owes me about 2k stupid woman I am I lent him money and have been paying for things he is supposed to cover.

I know there is nothing I can do, he is going to have this baby and my eldest child will be heartbroken. They have met her once. And now he's having a baby with her... She will have no idea about his true financial situation, he is a liar who pretends to be rich and successful. He's been on holiday, buying fancy gadgets for his house, romantic meals in fancy restaurants but he isn't paying the school fees.

Any advice on how to handle this now, I need some legal advice but don't have loads of money, will go for the free half hour, what to ask, how to make the most of the free half hour? What do I need to consider?

Sorry this is a bit confused. I am confused and a bit stunned.

OP posts:
YvyB · 26/05/2015 10:48

Sounds to me like you need a financial order sorted asap. You need security from which to build your dc's future. I would be focusing on asking about the quickest way to do this - a formal deed of financial separation might be the fastest route. The divorce can wait but this needs to be a priority.

Not much help, but your dcs will make their own minds up about their father. I tried to 'cover' for mine in the early days but my ds saw straight through him. He has no respect for him at all but this is due to his actions. Kids know when a parent has let them down.

26Point2Miles · 26/05/2015 10:49

Presumably you've asked him why he isn't paying? What was his response?

Original poster
ChickOnAMission · 26/05/2015 10:51

@26point his reply was he hasn't got the money, he gets paid irregularly, own business, nice and easy for him to hide his money too, he's not paying becasue he's getting bits of money and spending it on himself instead

OP posts:
26Point2Miles · 26/05/2015 11:05

Well I'd be re thinking schooling. He won't ever catch up with fees or pay for coming terms. I'd be finding schools for both asap

Are school happy to keep them til end of school year? Are the fees owed billed to you or him or both?

Original poster
ChickOnAMission · 26/05/2015 12:03

School fees aren't really the main issue, one is moving at the end of term, and the other if he really has to move he will. If they do exclude him it'll just have to be the local state school.

My main concern is how the kids are going to handle the baby, and what I need to be doing re divorce and financial settlement.

Should I ask to meet her and try and be welcoming to her so the kids see it's ok? Or keep my distance and stay away from them both?

I've been wondering if I should plaster a fake smile on and be upbeat about the baby when he does tell them? I feel like I should talk about it with my eldest but I don't relaly know how I should approach it.

OP posts:
MrsSquirrel · 26/05/2015 12:15

Does he see the children regularly?

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 12:25

First thing I would do is start living within my means, I couldn't stand to be relying on him for anything I needn't, and that's not to mention the children being at risk of exclusion (do they really call it that??).

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 12:27

I don't think you should get involved to the extent of meeting her either, no. You split up two years ago, so I don't know why you'd be that involved Confused

I think you should be as relaxed as you can about your children having a new sibling. Nearer the time I'd perhaps ask them if they'd like to make the baby a card and buy a teddy bear - that kind of thing.

intlmanofmystery · 26/05/2015 12:28

Without a Court-approved financial settlement there is no "deal". He has shafted both you and his children so you need to get legal advice as soon as possible. I would stay away from new GF as I don't get the impression she will part of your life going forward.

Please also check the school situation - you may be jointly liable for fees.

Solicitor will demand immediate financial disclosure from him and until you have that you don't know where you stand so I would get on with it.

26Point2Miles · 26/05/2015 12:32

Well if she doesn't want to meet you then you can't force it

He sounds the type who will forget his own kids once a new one comes along

Quitelikely · 26/05/2015 12:38

Get legal advice ASAP.

The new baby, we'll you can have your own thoughts and opinions on it.

Try for the sake of your children to encourage good relations with the GF and the new baby. Anything negative and it will cause your boys heart ache.

I know it's easier said than done but it's in their interests.

As for meeting the GF, no. Why? What is the point. Imagine if your ex wanted to meet all your future partners.

hereandtherex · 26/05/2015 13:04

I think the new baby is the least of your problems. The kids will adjust to the new step-kid. Who knows, if they are lucky, it will not take after their Father.

Get a lawyer ASAP. One who's used to dealing with dodgy business men.

BertrandRussell · 26/05/2015 13:10

You are absolutely sure the school isn't going to take you to court for the money? They probably aren't going to,listen to "but he said he'd pay" I think this is probably your priority- you don't want bailiffs at the door..........

Mygardenistoobig · 26/05/2015 13:30

Sorry to hear this op.

I am of the opinion that you can kiss goodbye to any money owed to you.

I take it he isn't paying maintenance. You may have to contact the csa but be aware that as soon as his new gf gives birth this will reduce the amount of maintenance that he has to pay towards your dcs.

Also being self employed is a massive bonus for nrp who decide to reduce maintenance payments too.

Prepare yourself for your dcs to come a. Err poor second to the new baby. No I would not ask to meet new gf, just don't bad mouth her or ex in front of the dc. Encourage a positive relationship between dcs and ex and baby but be there for them when they get shoved aside to accommodate the new family.

Confide in good rl friends and this board is very good for advice too. Good luck.

however · 26/05/2015 13:31

i think I'd ask ha parents, if I was faced with having to move my kids.

however · 26/05/2015 13:32

His parents.

Original poster
ChickOnAMission · 26/05/2015 14:04

Unanimous no to meeting the girlfriend then! He sees them 3 nights a week, so as she's moving in ASAP they'll be with her 3 nights too. I don't want the kids to pick up on any unpleasantness so thought it'd be better to be nice/polite.

The school fees, they won't write it off I know but worst case I'll move him and beg/borrow the money to pay off the outstanding amount from family.

I've already had bailiffs knocking when he didn't pay the council tax and I'm certainly not having it again. I know I'm equally liable, and if they have to move they will.

Immediate Financial Disclosure, he will just lie :-( and he can easily hide his money.

OP posts:
FlabulousChix · 26/05/2015 14:33

Please ensure all household bills are in your name. You also need to meet the mortgage payments if applicable. Can you apply for any benefits? I think it's shocking the kids have to move schools but better now than later

WayneRooneysHair · 26/05/2015 14:37

however what would you ask his parents?

Original poster
ChickOnAMission · 26/05/2015 15:02

I'm pretty sorted financially, we (me and the DC) live within our means, renting, no extravagant stuff.

It's just the private schools I can't afford on my own, and it will be shit if he has to move because eldest is academic and would have good chance of getting a scholarship for senior school, if he has to leave at the begining of year 6 thats much less likely.

I'm seeing a solictor tomorrow for the free half hour and will go from there, they quoted 300 per hour going forward but could reduce if the case is simple. School did say before that if a court order decided that I would be solely responsible for the fees then they could consider a bursary, but I'm reluctant to do that. ALthough if he's not paying anyway what can I do...

Thanks ladies for all the advice.

OP posts:
Atenco · 26/05/2015 16:45

Sorry about the school situation, OP. Probably no need to meet the gf but she might be nice. And the baby needs to be welcomed into this world, despite its father.

Happyfriday · 26/05/2015 18:16

All the finances will have to be sorted alongside the divorce and he will have to declare everything. If you suspect he is hiding money, then start gathering evidence to show that.

Be prepared for spending on legal fees. It will be worth it in the long run. The free half hour is barely worth it and is a myth in my area anyway.

cheapskatemum · 26/05/2015 18:43

I would just like to point out that the CSA take very little account of a new baby with a new partner and will still do all they can to ensure STBXH pays for his first 2 children.

Mygardenistoobig · 27/05/2015 08:17

Cheap sake that is wrong.

He may still have to pay towards ops children but the % he can pay will be reduced.

I speak from recent experience so do know what I am talking about.

Of course some nrp pay more than they legally have to but if I were the op I would prepare for the worst. The ex does not sound like a man to take responsibility for his actions and has very quickly fathered another child to a new partner.

NewTwenty · 27/05/2015 08:51

I would throw yourself on the mercy of the school with regards to a bursary for the child going in to Y6.
To me that sounds like quite a good case eg short term bursary to avoid disruption to education.

But in the meantime look around for places elsewhere.

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