husband threatening

[formychildren]

Hi all,
I have been in an abusive relationship for a while now.i feel i have sufferred all sorts of abuse off him. I no longer have respect for him. He has always taken all my earnings including my redundancy pay, and recent salaries as well.when i opened my own bank account he threatened me to divorce and told me to close the bank account, that was atleast 9 yrs ago, though i didn't close it.recently he has been using my hard earned salaries for god knows what,£840 for gardening according to him.£225 cheque, £200 cash apart from small cash withdrawals of 40 and 50 pounds in between. all that we got done in the garden is a bit of turf,not all of the garden, but probably a double bed size, 3 tree stumps removed and some industrial weed killer sprayed on hardly1sqm area. when i asked him where he has spent all the money he didn't give me an answer even though he was only playing x box. i gave him 40 mins to justify his actions after which i said i will transfer all the money into my individual account.inztead of answering me he was questioning me "what are we having for dinner, are you going to feed me and the children or not etc etc"'which is what he always does when ask him for answers regarding similar things.he took the children out saying that b'se i haven't fed them he is going to feed them.i transfered the money into my account and went out of the house and returned 10pm. he has been threatening me saying that i went too far this time, and transfer all the money immediately back into the account. he says that is his student loan money, though he doesn't tell how much was his student loan money. b'se he left his course in feb itself and student loan isn't paying any money into the account since then, and all the revenues have been my current salaries.are his actions and threats justified? what should i do? i am with him just for the sake of my children fearing that he won't give me my children. all these years i have been with him he hasn't given me a penny for my personal use /allowance,thou we have had joint account since our marriage. i'm so disturbed that i can't make sense
of any of my words.

if in uk phone womens aid, there will be a phone number on mumsnet somewhere.
Tuesday - see a solicitor and CAB.
if you are afraid of physical harm right now, phone the police.

formychildren: I hope that you posting on here is the first step in you leaving him, with your children, and the beginning of a new happy life where you're in control of your own finances and need fear no-one. You can do it. Good luck.

You absolutely should be leaving/making him leave this situation, right this minute. There is no sense to be made of this but it is insanely abusive and outright exploitation. Lock down any money you can, easier said than done i, but this is way extreme!

What are your housing arrangements? You really don't have to do as he tells you. You do not belong to him.

.. sorry ... am tired!

Is this controlling twunt your husband or your partner? Do you live in jointly owned or rented property? Does he work or bring any money to the table? How old are the dc and are you able to access real-life support from friends/family?

Well done for transferring as much cash as you could into your sole name. Don't let him bully or sweet talk you into transferring it back. You haven't committed any unlawful act and the onus is on him to prove his entitlement to any part of it which, given the considerable sums of your own earnings he has withheld from you over the years, it would appear to be unlikely that he has any claim to it.

Make it clear that the worm's turned and you're not going to allow him to ride roughshod over you any longer.

If he kicks off to a point where you're scared for your physical safety DON'T HESITATE to call the police on 999. Once you've explained your situation it's probable they will remove him from your home, or take you and the dc to a place of safety where you will be given all/any the help you need.

Keep posting here and make contact with womensaid.org.uk - as it's a bank holiday coupled with numerous sporting fixtures, the lines will be overloaded but if you email or are able to leave a message they WILL get back to you.

You CAN do this, honey, and there IS a bright new life waiting for you and the dc as soon as step out of this abusive twunt's ominous shadow.

Thanks everyone who has replied to my thread and assured me that I haven't done anything wrong.But please accept my apologies i haven't managed to reply back, as i haven't visited this site for being too busy with work, and me not being a driver spending 3hrs a day just for commuting to a probably 1hr round trip journey. All your replies have been full of sympathy, support and assurance. I haven'nt transferred the money back yet, but i don't like the arguements about money all the time. Only last night/sat evening we were shopping and he has started arguing in the middle of the shopping centre asking me to pay, for something we were going to buy, using my individual card.

I keep thinking may be i'm being unfair. While i wasn't working and looking after children and doing the school runs, he has contributed solely, even if we were getting child benefits. But, i wasn't spending any money for myself. My only extra spending would be either bus tickets or bus pass. No extra spending on any personal grooming like eyebrows, hair cuts etc nails or anything whatsoever not even makeups such as lipsrltick, well fairenough i don't use such things. Except for clothes sometimes i see in sales. But he hasn't been like me. He has been spending on films, games, and books (which i don't mind him buying). Apart from that, he has been withdrawing money frequently atleast£ 50 or even 100 everyweek, and doesn't answer what he spent on when asked.though i see he has used card everewhere and chippy shop, or curries is the only one where he pays by cash.

We have never talked about finances like who pays what or anything like that. We've had this non verbal understanding that we both put into, salaries directly go into, this joint account and pay all the bills and expenses using that. I wonder how we can come to some sort of agreement?
But the way he is spending makes me worry for the future of my children. I don't want them to go into debts just to go to university, or myself endingup with out any savings. How much money does one has to spend? Should we spend all the salary we get and end up with 0 by the end of the month Or by the time all the bills are paid? I think one hour just to buy even one top in sales, debating if i could save a pound if i go to another shop? Would walk with shopping bags/like milk etc.. just to save bus fars if i didn't have a bus pass, where as he calls for a taxi when he wants to meet up with his friends, or when the car at the garage for mot or repair, though he could drive.

I just wonder how people come to fair financial agreement, without including the professionals. Like what you have / would do ? I dont think it is fair that one person spends spends spends and the other doesn't or can't even save.

Thankyou all ince again, you've been my sole support i could even share such things with.

you can't reason with an abusive man. Him spending your money is just part of the control and abuse of you. You cannot compare this with how others spend money.

Have you called Women's Aid yet?

This man has abused you to the point that you don't even realise it's abuse. That is very common, some of us call it spaghetti head. It can take time to fully wake up to what is happening.

Why not start by answering goddess's questions so posters can offer more specific advice?

I wonder how we can come to some sort of agreement?

No you can't. How can you reach an agreement with a financially abusive man who threatened divorce when you opened your own bank account.

Why on earth would he want to come to agreement that moves away from what suits him and lessens his power and control over you.

Abusers aren't reasonable and don't change just because their abuse doesn't suit the person they are abusing.

Instead of imagine ways of trying to bargain with him, I think you really should be thinking about making plans to get this abusive prick out of your life. He's abusing you financially and has been doing it for a very long time. Womens Aid can offer advice and practical help to you to get free of him if that's what you want:

PHONE: 0808 2000 247

Email: [email protected]

If you can answer the question goddess asked more specific advice can be offered:

Is this controlling twunt your husband or your partner?

Do you live in jointly owned or rented property?

Does he work or bring any money to the table?

How old are the dc and are you able to access real-life support from friends/family?

This situation sounds as disgusting as it did to start with. Have you had enough yet?