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Original poster

article on NPD - this is my ex, to a T!

20 replies

confusedNC · 18/05/2015 19:39

Stumbled across this and it is really interesting read. bit.ly/1Ab8Wbr

Always thought he fitted NPD but some bits didn't bit this is spot on. So not all narcissists are charming and super confident.

Don't know if it'll ring bells for anyone else but wanted to share.

OP posts:
Lipgloss74 · 18/05/2015 20:00

Can't get the link to work x

SomethingOnce · 18/05/2015 21:01

www.psychiatrictimes.com/personality-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-rethinking-what-we-know

Haven't read yet but hopeful wonder if it will describe somebody I used to know...

Handywoman · 18/05/2015 21:24

Oh. My. Word. Finally, a word-for-word characterisation of my hideous ex and his upbringing........

Wow. Confused thanks for sharing that!

BettyCatKitten · 18/05/2015 21:28

Brilliant article. Also describes my violent abusive ex to a T.
Thank god I escaped when I did.

tomatoplantproject · 18/05/2015 22:13

The paragraph about perfectionism is perfection itself.

Original poster
confusedNC · 18/05/2015 22:32

Thanks for doing the link somethingOnce.

Hanrywoman you're welcome.

I'm having a challenging time with ex just now hence the analysis. Getting nervous about him getting my divorce papers even though he has failed to progress the divorce against me. Not a change of heart. Just 'got better things to spend his money on.'

OP posts:
DeckSwabber · 19/05/2015 08:17

Interesting - this artical identifies the distress felt by the narcissistic person which is really important, I think.

My question is - what do you do about it? If you can't completely cut off, if children are involved, can this person be helped? And how do you get someone with this set of issues to accept help for themselves?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2015 08:22

Deckswabber,

re your questions:-
"My question is - what do you do about it?"

Detach completely from the narcissist. They are not going to listen to you and its not possible to have any sort of relationship with them.

"If you can't completely cut off, if children are involved, can this person be helped?"

Short answer to that is no. Also you are not their therapist and should never act as such. I would keep any child well away from the narcissist, they certainly do not need to be exposed to their manipulations.

"And how do you get someone with this set of issues to accept help for themselves"

You cannot.

DeckSwabber · 19/05/2015 08:30

Fortunately for me, Attila this is not a partner. If it was I would be removing self and kids forthwith. Also not someone I can avoid altogether.

My question is a genuine one - surely if someone is in distress there is a flicker of hope - if they can be brought to understand that they will gain from getting help?

Wellthatsit · 19/05/2015 08:34

Yes, I have a friend who fits this to a t. He has been diagnosed with NPD,and was horrified. When he got the diagnosis, I did a bit of research, and some of the stuff in the article did come up so I figured the diagnosis was pretty accurate. I haven't really duscussed it with him. In fact, I don't really talk to him at the moment because maintining a relationship was so difficult and stressful, and we eventually fell out. I feel very guilty about it, but I just can't bear to have him in my life anymore, even though he is hurting.

NPD is horrendous but then so are many other conditions, and I got to the stage where I felt cold-hearted about it. He refuses or is unable to do anything to address his issues.

DeckSwabber · 19/05/2015 08:36

Also - its not for me to diagnose someone - there could be lots of reasons why someone behaves as they do.

DeckSwabber · 19/05/2015 08:37

Wellthatsit how did they get to diagnosis?

Wellthatsit · 20/05/2015 14:20

He had been suffering from depression and had been under treatment for several years - lots if talking therapies etc. He was under the care of a professor (this is typical of him. He seems to get through lots if medical professionals, always agitating to see someone different/better to help him. He still believes that given the right treatment, he will get better and is constantly striving for it.) Anyway, this professor told him he had NPD. This was years ago, and I am not sure if it has helped him or hindered him. He has since seen many more doctors and tried many other treatments, including schema therapy. He is now simply on high doses of old style antidepressants just to stop him being suicidal basically. All other attempts by professionals to help him ended unsatisfactorally, according to him. To me, some things looked promising but he sabotaged them, but I don't know how hard it is to be him. I know he thinks he is trying very hard.

Original poster
confusedNC · 20/05/2015 19:45

It's so hard but ultimately I believe you have to detach from a narcissist. I still care about my ex. I want him to be ok. But as pp said I can't be his therapist. And not even sure why I care. He cares nothing for my wellbeing. It's conditioning perhaps combined with them thought that he is damaged and perhaps can't help it. But then again he's surely capable of choices?

I don't believe he will be ok or at least ever be really happy. But nothing I can do will change thaT.

I can't spend my life thinking about him, his problems and needs though at the expense of all of mine. I need to be happy and well for my son, so I need to be away from him, mentally and physically.

OP posts:
Meerka · 20/05/2015 19:56

deckswabber personally I think that someone experiencing distress has been given a warning signal and sometimes they can change.

But other times, the person has either grown used to the pain or changing will be too difficult. If you live in pain, changing can mean embracing even more pain for a time becuase change is very difficult. People flee pain by developing strategies to handle it, eg huge egotism. In order to change they would have to abandon those strategies so they'd have to face the raw pain that they've spent all these years fleeing from.

But I think the pain is a warning signal that not everything is right and many people will take note of it. Like a lot of people on the Relationships board do =)

DeckSwabber · 20/05/2015 20:05

I found a few articles today - the person in my life fits the vulnerable narcissist. Constantly on the brink but demanding to be in charge of the bus.

www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Is-Your-Narcissist-the-Vulnerable-or-Grandiose-Type-22

DeckSwabber · 21/05/2015 08:52

He's like a wasp at a window at the moment, pushing desperately to get what he wants, the way he wants, without accepting that it won't happen this way, and ignoring the wide open windows all around.

He's currently playing the bewildered, misunderstood one.

There are shared obligations so cutting off altogether is not an option. He is ignoring his obligations and focusing on me. I wish he'd leave me alone!

FredaMayor · 21/05/2015 15:35

"Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is characterized by complex self-experiences, including grandiosity, anger, self-derogation, and emptiness or apathy. Lack of empathy is a feature of the disorder. Frequently, there are impaired romantic and professional outcomes as well as co-occurring disorders."

Elegantly put. My admirable and long-sufffering successor (exH's 2nd wife) should read this and inwardly digest, poor woman.

SommerenAldrigKommer · 21/05/2015 16:24
Brew

i will read this later, sounds like my x though. he wasn't charming, he went more by ''shy'' except shy people are capable of having real and warm relationships. he hid behind a cloak and called it shy.

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