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Original poster

Should I end this friendship?

23 replies

BuckyO · 17/05/2015 17:12

I'm friends with a woman on fb, I knew her through another format which was much more anonymous (we share an interest) and we became quite close but knew nothing of each other really.

Now we are fb friends I have seen photos of her and am falling for her, I always felt like that but physically too now. She lives on another continent so there is no risk of anything happening, but I'm just thinking it would be better to just walk away but then she has been very good to me and always makes me smile. I'm lacking in the friendship area and would be really quite sad to lose her.

Would it be silly to lose a friend over a daft crush? Esp when we are so far apart anyway?

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/05/2015 17:23

Is it just a "daft crush" when you know lot about someone and have done for quite some time?

pocketsaviour · 17/05/2015 17:23

I'm not really seeing why you would end the friendship just because you fancy her.

Or are you worried about her getting a partner and you feeling hurt?

Let's be honest, you've got a crush. It's pretty safe as she's thousands of miles away. If you have a good friendship then I see no reason to end it unless, as above, you feel you may get hurt.

Original poster
BuckyO · 17/05/2015 17:28

Well it has to be Bitter, it can't be anything more can it?

We are both married so not worried about her getting a partner.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 17/05/2015 17:36

If you can't/wont talk to your wife about all aspects of your friendship and feelings then this 'friendship' is inappropriate and you should either end it, or your marriage if it's not satisfying you and can't be improved. It's not fair for your wonde to be wasting her life on a person who isn't satified by her.

Original poster
BuckyO · 17/05/2015 17:46

I have a husband and he knows how I feel about this friend. He's not happy but he knows that I enjoy talking to her and that she is very far away.

I love my husband very much but there are some parts of me he just doesn't understand but she does.

OP posts:
Original poster
BuckyO · 17/05/2015 18:07

That sounds really stupid but he's quite straight laced and I'm just not. Well I am in practice because I met him very young and have always been 100% faithful. So the things I can talk to her about, I can't with him.

OP posts:
MerdeAlor · 17/05/2015 18:18

I can't understand your question.

You admit to feeling emotionally involved with another person outside your marriage and you are asking whether you need to end it?

Of course you should.

Where's the confusion?

MerdeAlor · 17/05/2015 18:20

Have you actually been honest with your husband about your real feelings towards her. It's more than just enjoying her online company isn't it?

I think you are already treating him shabbily and if you love him treat him with respect.

saturnvista · 17/05/2015 18:33

You're having an emotional affair and you don't see it as unfair or cruel. That's the problem.

You're posting asking about your well-being it seems - whether it will be better for you if you end the friendship. You didn't even mention that you both had partners. This is already something that's causing your husband hurt which apparently doesn't bother you at all. When you're committed to one person, you don't get to pick and choose other people unless you really do see them in a platonic light.

I don't feel like helping you look after your own interests when you are clearly very capable of looking after them yourself. However I will suggest that you will end up happier in the long-run if you start thinking about other people.

Alwayswiththechords · 17/05/2015 18:38

If you even need to question it, then end it. Obviously even you yourself can see that it's not just a friendship anymore, there is a huge potential that your family gets hurt. End it.

Original poster
BuckyO · 17/05/2015 18:51

There's nothing going on between us. She is not aware of how I feel. We have lots of things in common is all but I do feel attracted to her.

OP posts:
saturnvista · 17/05/2015 19:07

Well I personally would feel majorly hurt if my DH pursued a close relationship with someone that he felt got him more than I did and who he was attracted to. But it's your life. I've said my piece :)

pocketsaviour · 17/05/2015 19:17

Bit of a drip feed. Hmm

You've already said your H isn't happy so it would he pretty disrespectful to continue talking to this woman.

I'd suggest working on making friendships where you can get the understanding and support you crave but without the attraction factor.

Alwayswiththechords · 17/05/2015 19:23

It's not about what she or your husband is aware of of, it's about your feelings. you know that it's more than friendship, therefore you should end it. Or end things with your husband if you are already looking for something else, someone new.

MerdeAlor · 17/05/2015 19:30

You have strong feelings for someone else, you are asking if you should give up the friendship - we are saying yes, it is.

You sound either naive or cruel about your DP feelings- which one is it? I have a feeling you don't really care if this hurts him, because she fulfills some part of you that he can't understand Hmm

Classic cheaters line by the way.

Original poster
BuckyO · 17/05/2015 19:31

I'm not looking for anything new at all. I've been with my husband 2 decades and have never been unfaithful and never would, I love him with all my heart and can't imagine being away from him. There is no chance of this developing to anything more and she is a really good friend.

I don't think it's an emotional affair because I have other friends that I talk to about stuff I don't talk to DH about, that just a female friendship isn't it? Same with my sisters. I'm unsure as to what an emotional affair us but considering this is one sided and not sexual, I doubt this is one.

OP posts:
MerdeAlor · 17/05/2015 19:37

You are back tracking, you have said you were falling for her - now it's just a female friendship?

if you develop feelings for someone other than your DP - let the relationship go. Forming an emotional bond with someone else is not fair on your DP.

Original poster
BuckyO · 17/05/2015 19:52

No I meant sharing things you wouldn't talk about with your husband is quite normal in a female friendship. And as far as she is concerned and I am too this is just a friendship. But I am attracted to her.

I was more thinking it would be best to end the friendship because it feels almost difficult for me to be that neutral friend as I have different feelings.

If she was a real life friend I would walk away but we will never, ever meet so there is no chance of this developing (and I wouldn't want to to because I have met plenty of people I am attracted to but I have a husband)

OP posts:
RiojaHaze · 17/05/2015 19:52

This makes me really cross. Someone very close to me at the moment is in the same situation, but people seem to think that it's ok because it's a woman rather than a man she has feelings for and write it off as just a friendship. Her husband is being eaten up by it but gets called paranoid when he says anything about it.
If it was a man, no one would accept it as they have done.
End the friendship if you have any respect for your DHs feelings.

ALaughAMinute · 17/05/2015 19:55

Do you think you might be bi or lesbian? If so, do you want to do anything about it?

You will have to think very carefully if you love your H and have been married a long time.

Original poster
BuckyO · 17/05/2015 22:17

I am pansexual (always identified as bi) but I don't want to have sex with anyone other than my husband. Never have done. Just because I am attracted to women doesn't mean I want to have sex outside my marriage.

OP posts:
MerdeAlor · 18/05/2015 07:23

I'm out - you ask for opionions and don't want to hear what we are saying to you.

Oh and welcome to mumsnet Hmm

Original poster
BuckyO · 18/05/2015 09:01

Merde I've been a mumsnetter since 2004. I name changed for this. But I appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
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