How "electric" do you have to feel for your partner

[Vivvya2015]

Chating with my friend today, we discussed how electric you have to feel for your partner. By electric, I mean your stomach flips a little. You reach a real physical intimacy with someone that can be wild or deeply caring.

My view Is that it has to be there in the early days, or at least for me it does. Along with many other things of course. It then changes over time, gets a little muted. Has more depth. But fragments of it are always there.

She thought it needed to be there all the time. And a relationship where it wasn't, wasn't right. Her current DP doesnt quite make the mark and she's dumping him.

Sounds a bit pie in the sky to me.

Views ladies

Sounds like she hasn't been with her partner for 26 years!! Yes, the electricity was there in the early days, but this many years on, you couldn't sustain it - you'd be frazzled!!

Yes. I agree! But how long should it be thee for. And how much. All the time in the early years. I don't think so personally.

I get a tiny flip when I hear his key in the door, but yes, basically after 25 years, not much electricity.

I think it's important in the early years

But the bloke I had the most electricity with, the sex was rubbish.

All heat and no light

I remember a time, about 2 years in, where I fretted a bit because it wasn't all the time. But I realised other things are far far more important

The type of love you feel for your partner has to change at some point if you're in a long term relationship because shagging 10 times a day is not sustainable!

Hmm. It's a hard one. I'm currently a month in to a new undefined thing with someone. He makes my stomach flip, my heart pounds when I see him and I want to have sex with him all the time. I'm trying to stop my self but I'm getting attached. When we are together we can't help but touch each other and kiss etc. Would we maintain this? Very unlikely. I know I fancy him more than I did with stbxh but when ex and I were intimate we had a decade of shared history (alot of it awful!!) that emotionally made me feel connected. If my new (and I use the term VERY loosely) relationship was to be a long term thing I don't think I'd want to feel all fluttery and heart pounding for the duration, it's quite stressful and heady, I'd want those feelings to transfer into something more comfortable.

I think your friends view of relationships is a little naive to be honest. How old is she?

She's 37. AHEM

Oh. 37? I thought you were going to say 23!

Pie in the sky is dead right then. Feel quite bitter and jaded saying that but

So she values lust over love? It's a fair viewpoint, if that's what she wants. But over the long term it's really not sustainable - IME, anyway. You can still have amazing sex, but those butterflies you get in the first few weeks are not gonna keep fluttering forever.

Does she want to have kids? If she does she's throwing away her life on a dream that won't come true...

She's got a daughter and doesn't want any more. I agree with all the posts.

New is exciting, but it always wears off to something deeper yet with little sparks now and again. Your friend is disillusioned if she thinks she can maintain infatuation long term. She's likely to have a new DP every few years chasing those feelings and grow old by herself eventually.. I've seen it so many times!

I still get stomach flips and when we haven't had sex for a while, I definitely get electricity, but it's not like it was at the beginning. I couldn't cope if it was...

I think she's OD'd on romance/50 Shades of Meh tbh...

I think the spark definitely needs to be there at the beginning. It was for me and my dp. We couldn't get enough of each other! Fast forward 4 years, cancer, mortgage, one child and another on the way the spark isn't always there on a daily basis like it once was. It can be reignited though and is every now and then. What we have now is much more sustainable, I'm not always heart poundingly nervous when I see him, I can actually get other things done and I love him not just lust after him. I do think sex is important though, I have loved exes before but the sex wasn't up to scratch or we weren't compatible I should say, and that has prompted me to end the relationship.

I think the electric stomach flip thing is needed at first to make you interested in having sex with someone, otherwise nobody would bother and we'd probably all watch telly instead.

I am reading an interesting book by Andrew G Marshall called I love you but am not in love with you. It describes 3 forms of love - the first is limmerence, which is the all consuming passion governed largely by hormones, this last 6-18 months, it then turns into loving attachment. Loving attachment is more about emotional attachment and both partners performing acts of love and kindness, if both partners participate it can last forever. The danger comes when one or both don't input, as often happens when kids/work/fife gets in the way and loving attachment moves towards a deep caring, rather more love for a friend or brother/sister ( can't remember what this stage is called).

If the friend is thinking about calling it off perhaps she has already detached, hence why she isn't feeling 'it' any more. The book suggests things to do to recapture and strengthen loving attachment, and states that it is possible to have brief flashes of limmerence from time to time. Might be worth suggesting the title to your friend before does something that cannot be undone.

I've been with DH 13 years and I would say it's still electric. I don't want to rip his clothes off all the time (thankfully - that could cause issues) but physically I find him very very attractive and can't look at him if I'm mad at him because I can't maintain any sort of annoyance when I see his face. It's a different sort of electricity than the first days I suppose - less sparky and more warm and glowing but it's definitely still there (and can spark again given the right conditions). I have no idea what it's like for other people though.