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Original poster

How do people work out the logistics? Blended families

24 replies

cristobalpankhurts · 12/05/2015 14:18

My DP's kids and ex live in Manchester. He has a house there but works away Sun-Thu in Newcastle.
I live in Bucks, as does my ex, my parents and our extended family. My kids are in school here, his are in school in Manc.

The understanding has always been that he will move to be with me. There are more jobs in his field here for a start and my house is big enough for all of our children.
He's worked away before but never so steady Sun-Thurs, and misses his kids dreadfully. I feel for him. But last night he said that he was still looking for another job but ideally around Manchester so he could see his kids, but a role with a lot of UK travel so he could still see me.
So in essence I become a girlfriend he calls in on. He doesn't see it that way but I'm very hurt. He says that's his plan "in the short term" which seems to mean "for as long as my children live at home." They are 11 and 9.

We don't have a future together, do we? Sad

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/05/2015 14:25

It really depends on what you want out of a relationship.
If you want the person to live with you etc... then no, you don't have a future with this man.
If it's going well though and you don't mind seeing him every now and again then this set up is perfect.
Bucks to Manc is a horrible journey and I couldn't have a LD relationship with someone that far away from me.

Handywoman · 12/05/2015 14:25

Only you two can decide, what, if any future, you have together. How long have you been together?

Surely Newcastle/ Manchester/Bucks was always going to be quite impractical, logistically?

I think you need to have 'the chat' about how you feel about each other and what the longterm could look like.

Original poster
cristobalpankhurts · 12/05/2015 14:31

I think we had the chat last night. All he can say is "I dont know." He knows he doesn't want to stay in Newcastle, he's on digs there and home for him is defo Manc.
His argument against living with me is that he would spend every weekend driving his kids back and to to Manchestef and their mum. And that seems to negate the positives of being down here, with me.

OP posts:
lexyloub · 12/05/2015 14:39

I don't think you should expect your partner to put you before his children. I suspect you don't want to move to Manchester so don't expect him to move to you. He works away every week those days he has free should be spent with his children. As much as you both may love each other logistically it isn't going to work.

CheapSunglasses · 12/05/2015 14:44

I can sympathise with his position.

I would HATE to be separated from my children like that. do you have your DCs all/most of the time?

If I were him I think I'd choose being as close to my children as possible over moving in with a partner and her children that weren't mine.

It's tricky for everyone but the plus side is that you are with a good man who puts his children first.

I've also been in a similar position to you and it totally sucked.

Up to you if you want to hang in there. But I don't think he's really doing anything wrong. It's just a shitty situation.

AmyElliotDunne · 12/05/2015 14:48

It sounds like a really hard situation for you both. Out of interest, how did you meet? Did you know you lived so far apart when you first struck up a relationship?

I only ask because when online dating, one of my criteria was that he lived in a 10 mile radius to prevent exactly this situation. Having feelings for someone who can only fit you in occasionally is never going to be fulfilling.

It's hard enough for me when DP is with his DCs half the week only a few miles away. When he's apart from them he does miss them. I end up feeling guilty that he's with me, while also being glad in a selfish way that he is! His DCs also resent me and mine because he is here with us when they are at their mum's. There are lots of conflicting feelings floating around!

My ex lives locally and had a long distance relationship with someone, but it is easier to manage for him as he only has the DCs one night a week, so the others (subject to their shifts) are free for him and his GF to arrange between themselves, but still within a couple of hours of each other/work. If he was trying to spend more time with the DCs I really think the relationship on top would be too much for him, in fact he has almost said as much to me.

I can't imagine how Bucks/Manc is really a long term thing, sorry.

Original poster
cristobalpankhurts · 12/05/2015 14:55

We have known each other years, and were together for a few years and then broke up.
The plan was that he finish his contract (middle East oil and gas) and move back to near me, but not with me as we had only just got back together. Then this contract in Newcastle came up, which is a big career development step for him so he took it.
That's the thjng - he's been away from his kids at a stretch at a time before. But now it's bothering him. If he took a field based job here, or worked in London, which he could do from here, he could still see his children. But in the "short term" he wants to be nearer them than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
cristobalpankhurts · 12/05/2015 14:57

I think what hurts the most is at the weekend we went away and had a lovely time and he said he loved me with all his heart, he only wanted to be with me for the rest of my life etc,

OP posts:
CheapSunglasses · 12/05/2015 15:13

But why can't he love you with all his heart and want to be close to his kids?

I don't see how the two things are mutually exclusive.

I'm sorry but his kids are (and should) going to trump you every time.

It doesn't paint you in a great light tbh when you essentially say 'well he's been away from his kids for ages before so why is he suddenly bothered about being close to them now?'

That's the subtext in your previous post.

You seem to think that him wanting to be near his children is a personal slight on you and your relationship.

It's not.

MsJJ79 · 12/05/2015 15:24

This is just my personal opinion but I think living with a partner is hugely overrated! You both have children who are at an age where you need to prioritise their needs over your relationship, can you agree to live apart and spend couple time together when he doesn't have his children?

If you're serious about a long term relationship with him can you wait until it suits both of your families better to love together?

MsJJ79 · 12/05/2015 15:27

Live together obviously. Duh.

itwillgetbettersoon · 12/05/2015 16:02

He sounds like a lovely man putting his children first before ultimately himself. Which is what we women all do and are the first to criticise a man when he doesn't see his children.

His children are young but at a great age. This will go on for a long time until they go to uni or leave home. You need to decide if this is the kind of relationship that you want.

However I can't fault your partner and I think you are being slightly selfish. I'm assuming you live with your children. It must be so hard for the non residential parent.

KatelynB · 12/05/2015 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spotifymuse · 12/05/2015 16:17

Why don't you move to Manchester ?

Original poster
cristobalpankhurts · 12/05/2015 16:46

I am being unreasonable. Blush

My elderly parents and my children's dad are here, which is why I don't want to move. I think i would be uprooting their lives when if he moved to me then his and my kids stay stable.
There's no solution really is there?

OP posts:
itwillgetbettersoon · 12/05/2015 17:16

The solution is to carry on dating, going away for weekends, planning days together etc. but not living together or relocating until all the children are older. There are lots of patents on here that have that kind of relationship. Must say. As much as I love men, I can't see me sharing a home with one until my children are 18+. I quite like living on my own with the kids.

Original poster
cristobalpankhurts · 12/05/2015 17:18

You're probably right. I'm v trad and wanted the fairy tale, commitment, and to have him properly in my life as a partner, not a boyfriend or gentleman caller...

OP posts:
itwillgetbettersoon · 12/05/2015 17:25

It is very difficult with young children and a long distance relationship. I'm seeing a man that only lives 45mins away by car but he lives just round the corner to his children. He is never going to move whilst they are young and I'm not going to move. So yes it is just dating really no more than that,

Jan45 · 12/05/2015 17:28

It wont be forever, I don't see what else he can do, you need to support him but I agree it's hard on you.

Living with someone is over rated btw!

Nothing wrong in you wanting the traditional stuff, he probably does too but practically speaking, it's not doable right now, and btw, it aint that great living with other people's children, even the man you love to bits.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2015 17:37

Think you two need to just carry on dating.

Original poster
cristobalpankhurts · 12/05/2015 18:07

Don't think I've much other option Expat.

OP posts:
Spotifymuse · 13/05/2015 09:30

You could move and leave the kids with their dad and visit them at weekends ?

AmyElliotDunne · 14/05/2015 00:41

It is hard knowing that you always come second to someone else, even when you accept that it's the right thing!

I think living together is over rated and actually having a bit of space from each other may be better for your relationship in the long run than trying to move two families in together or fit him into your life, only to have him 'abandon' you every weekend to see his DCs.

Like you, I can't see myself and DP being able to get married or live together for at least 10 years until his youngest is grown up. It used to bother me more, but having accepted the situations I've started to see the benefits.

It's not an impossible situation if you're both committed and you feel like you get enoug time with him once he is settled. If you constantly feel like you're pushed out by work and kids then it's a recipe for resentment.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2015 16:40

It's hugely to his credit that he's not planning on moving in with you and raising a second family and distancing himself from his own, which is a story you hear far too often imo.

Carry on as you are unless/until you find it unbearable and then make your own decision as to what you want.

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