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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I ended it...

26 replies

Lipgloss74 · 12/05/2015 10:15

But feel crap! Dated for only 5 months, he admitted he had a lot of issues- drinks too much, works too hard, stuck in his own ways, prudish and pretty low sex drive. Couldn't answer texts and I felt un cared for and started feeling anxious, he basically told me I knew what it was going to be like but to bare with him as i could reap the benefits (how??) he also asked me to stay in his life as a friend but I said no.

Did I do the right thing and when will I feel better?

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 12/05/2015 10:36

You know in your own heart you did the right thing. But it is okay to feel sad.

When he said that you knew what it would be like, he was setting his own rules for your emotional well-being ("Put up or shut up"). Well your emotional well-being is YOURS and you have safe-guarded it.

When will you feel better? Sooner rather than later if you can manage to stop dwelling on the past and can look forward to a better future. I don't say that glibly. Have a good sob if you must, then dry those tears and dust yourself down. Give yourself a pat on the back for not putting up with a half-hearted relationship which was imbalanced.

Hand-holding here for you.

TheWhiteFlag · 12/05/2015 10:38

I'm in a similar situation (breaking up after 5 months).

Did you finish it, or did he?

[pours you a ]

FrancesNiadova · 12/05/2015 10:40

You know that you've done the right thing. It's painful now, but you will heal & be in a much better place.
Ignore these choppy waters, just keep your eyes on the horizon.

BuzzardBird · 12/05/2015 10:41

Think you have already given him 5 months too long of your thoughts.

Onwards and upwards.

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 12/05/2015 10:43

I ended it after telling him 2 weeks ago that I wasn't happy with the way certain things were. He knew what these things were and chose not to do anything about it, he talked the talk but didn't walk the walk.
I have been through loads in my life including serious health issues and know that I deserve to be treated just a little better.
When you ask someone out that night you expect a reply at some point.
I keep trying to think it's his loss and that no one else would put up with that treatment unless they were desperate. On the flip side I wonder if he just wasn't that into me?

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 12/05/2015 10:48

he talked the talk but didn't walk the walk

And you think it would get better? 5 months is still the honeymoon period. If someone makes you feel worthless during that time, of course it is better to walk away.

Of course it is his loss because he doesn't deserve someone with values, self-worth, personal strength and inner beauty.

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 12/05/2015 10:56

Thanks guys, I feel pretty low today but I realise that I have done the best thing for me.
Hoping in some sad way he realises what he's lost and he misses me.
I didn't ask for much, but obviously too much for him.
Was it me??

OP posts:

TheWhiteFlag · 12/05/2015 11:08

When you ask someone out that night you expect a reply at some point.

Ahhhh, so he was the apathetic type? You mention that you suspect that maybe he "wasn't that into you". That might be true - even more reason to erase him.

sadwidow28 is right. You should be lounging in the honeymoon period right now. If THIS is his idea of honeymooning, God only knows how crap it would be in a year's time when he truly drops his standards. (I'm lecturing myself here as much as I'm lecturing you, as I'm in the same situation).

Hoping in some sad way he realises what he's lost and he misses me.

I feel the same. Truth is: they may miss us, they may not. They may be relieved we have dumped them (I often wonder if their coldness was their way of urging us to dump them).

Most important thing: It no longer matters what they think. Our well-being and preservation of our self-esteem is THE most important consideration now.

If you don't mind, I'm going to lurk here and we can support each other.

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 12/05/2015 11:18

Thanks white flag- I did try to write you a message but as I'm new to this site have no idea if you got it or not!
I felt he threw me scraps when he knew I was about to give up on him.
He says his kids come first- 2 to 2 different women who he sees 3 nights a week but I feel that he doesn't actually do much with them that's interesting. He is number one in his life and if he cared enough he would have made the effort to make me feel wanted.
I am hiding in my room as my sons fed up of me!

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 12/05/2015 11:37

I am here hand-holding both Lipgloss and TheWhiteFLag

OP - if you feel that you are getting scraps after 5 months, you'll then get crumbs that fall off the table .... after that, you will get nothing!

BuzzardBird · 12/05/2015 11:40

Lip read your OP, you say absolutely nothing nice about him at all, I suspect you don't even like him very much.

You need to do some reading on the freedom programme and work out why you don't think you deserve better than this sad example of a man.

You sound lovely, don't sell yourself short, you should be celebrating getting rid of him, not musing over whether he misses you or not.

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 12/05/2015 11:47

What's the freedom program?
I guess when I really think about him honestly I kind of fell for the idea of him- own business, nice house, appeared responsible but the truth actually is more like he has several issues from a very unhappy childhood and is very selfish and cold at times.
He told me when we first met that he left his ex as she had issues and wouldn't kiss him- I very much doubt that was true now, he also gets blind drunk and once told me to leave his house but forgot he said it when I was getting ready to go?
I can see that for him image is important and a few younger men hang about him in the pub to be bought drink ect.
I maybe a skint single parent but I don't need this x

OP posts:

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 12/05/2015 11:54

Oh my god I'm really thinking about things now!!! When he did call me he asked how I was then talked non stop about his day, he told me I was too much occasionally (I'm no wallflower) he told me to keep reminding him about a weekend away we were going to go on- I cancelled it! Told me my hair was too short! That he didn't want to go to a wedding with me as if he was having a crap time it would show on his face! Drove drunk, lost his phone, keys ect. Questioned me about what's app- was it a dating site??

OP posts:

TheWhiteFlag · 12/05/2015 12:03

I felt he threw me scraps when he knew I was about to give up on him.

Mr Unavailable. You deserve so much more than crumbs. Expect nothing less than a loaf.

The ex sob stories - ignore. You have no way of validating them either way and he's using them to tap into your sympathy in the hope that you'll cut him some (undeserved) slack.

What I have done today, is write a list of all the bad things about the man I just split with. I was surprised how long the list was! Give it a try, it's therapeutic.

BuzzardBird · 12/05/2015 12:32

It's a programme that helps people escape from abusive relationships. There are also some books you can search for. Basically you need to find a way of not putting up with men that just throw you crumbs and find a man that can live the dream, not just sell it.

How old is your DS? Did he like him or did he think he was a dick?

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 12/05/2015 12:40

My son is nearly 24. He liked him but said he clearly had issues and was a bit fucked up. He thought that it was just his way though( the non texting ect) and that I could learn to live with it. I asked my ex several times about his lack of communication and he simply said its just him he hates phones ect as he's always on them for work.
I'm wavering a bit wondering if I've done the right thing but Sunday really was the final straw- asking him to go out for dinner, him saying he was dropping his daughter off snd would call me- then nothing!!

OP posts:

lemons11 · 12/05/2015 12:54

hey, I'll join you if I may - I ended a six month relationship two weeks ago and although it still hurts like hell I know (sadly) that I did the right thing. He had an ex wife who ended their relationship - but when he met me she wanted him back! she made our relationship very difficult, they had been together 25 years.
He met me very early on after he had moved out - we met on Tinder, looking back now he wasn't ready emotionally and I was his first experience apart from her, he was so inexperienced in every aspect! I did enjoy enlightening him though!! We had a wonderful time and he was very generous but in his head he couldn't move on - as much as I think he wanted to.
I've walked away as I deserve more, I want someone who can be emotionally available, and commit to me. At times with him I felt like his dirty secret as he didn't introduce me to his grown up kids, I didn't meet anyone significant to him as he didn't want to upset her - meanwhile he moved into my life and met my children etc.
I asked him to remove a tattoo of her name - after six months it was still there.... he has a house to sell - it still has all his belongings in - he didnt move them out and the house is still for sale.....
I felt like he was half mine....
So onwards and upwards, I know I've done the right thing and I must admit I feel as sense of relief as his situation really brought me down - not how it should be in the 'honeymoon' phase as other MN's have said.

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 12/05/2015 12:58

Well done Lemons, we can all do it and in the end we are better stronger people because of it.
I'll miss the nice bits of our relationship but no more sitting about waiting for texts or calls on his 'free nights' to see if I was worthy of a date or not, no nerves going to bed wondering if I made a move on him was it 'too much'.
The funny thing was the last couple of weeks he had started introducing me to his friends ect which apparently for him is a biggy??
He never met any of mine though x

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 12/05/2015 13:22

It's such a shame you both didn't meet more 'available' men. Lip I hope your DS knows that you deserve better as does anyone he dates.

No more walking on eggshells, not knowing if you are saying or doing the right thing will make you happier and stronger.

I hope you both meet someone who deserves you Lip and Lemons.

TheWhiteFlag · 12/05/2015 13:34

asking him to go out for dinner, him saying he was dropping his daughter off snd would call me- then nothing!!

He blatantly doesn't have you as a priority, and you deserve nothing less than to be someone's priority.

lemons11 Can you describe Tinder? I've never used it so I'm ignorant but, how can something so superficial be a good way to meet a partner?

Witchofthenorth · 12/05/2015 17:24

lipgloss I shall join you and we can both lament together

At the moment I'm trying to decide of i should finish withy DP . He is an ex (split wasn't bad no issues) and we decided to try again after him quietly letting me know for the past year he is in the background and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

But there is no communication. We only see each other at weekends, we live in different cities, and contact during the week is next to nothing. I have spoken to him about it but all I get are excuses.
We have only been back together about 2 months and we have had sex twice... I'm on a three week cycle which doesn't help but god I just want to feel wanted! Surely
We should be all over each other just now!
I feel bad thinking it, when we first got back together his mum died
suddenly and he had money issues due to funeral costs but still...I need to feel wanted and that I at least mean something to him.

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 12/05/2015 17:29

He has spent a year in the background letting you know he is available but once you give in he's cold and distant? Do you seriously want treated like that for the rest of this relationship? We deserve better. Talk to him about it, give him a wee chance to explain but if nothing changes leave. We deserve better!
I've sat tonight and made a list of all the things 'wrong' with this guy I was seeing And it's made me feel slightly better!

OP posts:

Witchofthenorth · 12/05/2015 18:40

I know right!! We so deserve better. Glad your feeling better...think I may try writing that list tonight myself.

Original poster

Lipgloss74 · 12/05/2015 19:42

The top of my list was that he changed my name to something else else every time we were out or he introduced me to someone?? Wtf??

OP posts:

Witchofthenorth · 12/05/2015 20:19

Really!! WTF is all that about!

My top one I think will be how I don't even warrant a "I miss you" or a "how was your day" it's all about his stuff

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