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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

inexperienced

19 replies

naiveornotexciting · 07/05/2015 15:05

I'm not a hairy handed troll but have name changed as I feel like an idiot.

I've just started a bit of a thing with a guy from work which is not common knowledge and I don't know how to interpret his reactions.

Back story, I have just come out of a 10 year relationship, prior to that my experience was mostly drunken fumbles. His marriage is over but still sharing a home with his wife until it sells. He is older but I don't know a huge amount his sexual history.

There have been several kissing sessions and two more involved sessions. First at his house - we both found it a bit weird being there. Things were fairly passionate but when I reached into his pants he was soft. He told me to make it hard. Ultimately we both agreed it was too weird and left it.

Last night we were in the car (classy I know) and things were very steamy. Again He wasn't hard, but was on the way. Again he told me to make it hard.

I'm trying not to been too graphic but on both occasions he was very happy to pay me attention and that seemed to be his focus. He wanted to do (nice!) things to me last night beyond what we were doing already.

With my ex, he would have been hard after what I guess you could call heavy making out. I don't know how to interpret what's going on with the new guy - he's not interested? ExDp was unusually responsive? I just don't know, I'm not experienced enough to have much of a frame of reference.

Is this normal?

OP posts:

category1 · 07/05/2015 15:11

I'd expect him to be hard too, tbh.

I mean, people are different and all, maybe he needs extra stimulation with it, but it would throw me too.

What age is he? Maybe he's anxious/stressed by the situation or maybe he has some erectile dysfunction?

WhoNickedMyName · 07/05/2015 15:18

I'd expect him to be hard, or at least well on the way.

PurpleWithRed · 07/05/2015 15:19

How old is he?

Mostlyjustaluker · 07/05/2015 15:22

Aside to the hard thing. Do you want a relationship or a quick fumble? This sounds like it is going in the direction of a quick fumble which may make things difficult at work.

pompodd · 07/05/2015 15:27

I'm a heterosexual man so can only post from personal experience (!). But I'm late 30s and in the situation you describe would expect to be hard. I'm absolutely not in any way boasting or saying this for effect, it's an anonymous message board!

I appreciate you might not want to give too much info, but given he has now asked you twice to "make it hard", I'd want to know more about that and what he actually means. Has he made it clear what he expects you to do? It's just from what you wrote it almost sounded like all the responsibility was on you...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2015 15:35

Re your comment:-
"His marriage is over but still sharing a home with his wife until it sells".

And do you really believe that or him for that matter?. You are making out with a man who is still married, you could well be just his bit on the side. Also this is a person from work as well, this could get really complicated and you are not long out of a long relationship either. Have you really spent any time on your own?.

Red flags a plenty here; his not get hard is the least of your problems. And that is a problem as well.

Think you could do better frankly, far better. Your relationship bar is set far too low.

letscookbreakfast · 07/05/2015 15:35

Yeah that's not normal, I'd never tell my missus to 'make it hard' and to be honest unless I'm stressed it doesn't need much encouragement.

I'd be a bit weirded out TBH.

Joysmum · 07/05/2015 15:40

He "told" you to make it hard

WhoNickedMyName · 07/05/2015 15:44

ah just spotted he's still married, and apparently sharing a home with his wife, yet still took you there for a quick fumble. how absolutely disrespectful.

it sounds like you're actually having an affair, you've kept it quiet at work, I'm guessing nobody else knows you're seeing each other either?

TheJiminyConjecture · 07/05/2015 15:48

I seem to recall another thread where circumstances were remarkably similar. Turned out that the wife knew nothing about her separation and the husband struggled to get it up with the guilt of it all.

letscookbreakfast · 07/05/2015 15:52

TheJiminyConjecture you are right, the fumbles were taking place in a car and he couldn't get it up, didn't the OP of that thread post a few similar topics...?

Original poster

naiveornotexciting · 07/05/2015 15:53

He's late 30s.

I appreciate and understand the concern over his relationship status and the wisdom of the relationship in general. I'm confident that his marriage is over although I know I'd be sceptical if I was reading about this too. As to whether it's a smart relationship in general possibly not. I'm confused about the whole thing.

I'm reassured that I'm not alone in expecting him to be hard but it doesn't make me feel great about myself! I don't understand what's going on at all. He was quite happy to continue with the focus all on me but I kind of lost the mood and felt completely undesirable.

Bit of a disaster really.

OP posts:

Original poster

naiveornotexciting · 07/05/2015 15:57

Sorry, just saw last few msgs. I haven't posted about this before because it's only just happened!

OP posts:

TheJiminyConjecture · 07/05/2015 16:00

Sorry op I didn't mean to imply that you were the same person. Just it was almost identical circumstances, the same way that many people follow a cheaters script.

AyeAmarok · 07/05/2015 16:02

I would expect a guy to be hard at that stage, if the kissing and touching had been going on for a good few minutes at that point.

I wouldn't really appreciate being told to "make it hard", especially if we'd just be engaging in activity that you'd expect to make someone hard!

I'd guess either his mind is elsewhere, or it's a guilt thing. I'd maybe give it one more go, maybe at yours, or somewhere neutral and comfortable (eg not car/his wife's house) and if the same thing happens (and he's not offering an explanation) then don't waste your time.

Original poster

naiveornotexciting · 07/05/2015 16:05

Thanks all. Sorry for being touchy, the whole thing is messing with my head.

I'm just as keen to keep it quiet for now as he is, I'm not being forced into keeping it quiet. We work in an incredibly gossipy, bitchy place and would prefer not to be under the spotlight just yet.

OP posts:

AmyElliotDunne · 07/05/2015 16:19

When you said he was older I thought you meant old enough for it to make a difference/erectile dysfunction sort of old.

My DP is late 30s and, like your ex, gets wood just from kissing or thinking about kissing so I would expect a steamy session to do the job, not him instructing you to 'make it hard' whatever that entails.

The home situation sounds weird and could have something to do with it, or his marriage might have struggled because of the sex thing? Without talking to him about it, you'll never know. If you can't talk to him, you probably shouldn't be shagging him.

ineedabodytransplant · 08/05/2015 15:17

I'm 58 and doesn't take much to get me hard. Sometimes it's a bit too easy

I too am concerned about the 'marriage over but still living together'. Can you find out more about this? And yes, I agree that it sounds a bit too furtive.

pocketsaviour · 08/05/2015 15:33

Do you know if he has any medical conditions that might affect his erection, e.g. if he has diabetes or is on ADs?

It could just be performance anxiety of course. I would probably wait until you can actually have a proper session in an actual bed (and not at his place) and see what happens.

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