How to stop projecting my problems and help my sister

[ak2014]

My sister has MIL issues. She has a very difficult SIL on top. SIL is making her life hell. I have minimal contact with MIL.

I don't tolerate misbehaviour and my sister is a saint compared to me. Obviously I believe what I'm doing is right but I fear I'm guiding my elder sister to a difficult path. My sis said she didn't call our mum for help this time. Our mum advises all of us to keep things civil and accept them as they are and make the best out of it. So my sis is calling me to have an honest discussion. We have to be careful with our parents as they feel more bad and their unhappiness at the situation causes more stress.

I'm too full of hatred for my own MIL. Its a hot button issue. How do I stop projecting and give fair advice to my sister?

Rather than advise your sister, can you listen and bite your tongue as much as possible? Act as each others' sounding boards so that you both then have the strength to deal with what's going on without burdening your parents or anyone else?

Having had my own such issues, I have found independent counselling very useful, and it has given me a place to explore my feelings, deepen my understanding of the situation, and over time build the techniques and the strength (counsellor has set me "homework" tasks to complete as I am a task-oriented person) to rise above and remain calm. Do you think your sister would find this useful?

But I do also have a "safe" person to rant at when needed, and you could be that for each other.

I see no mention here of your respective DHs. They are also key here, what do they think of their mothers?. (Was not really surprised to see that her SIL as well is difficult, she may actually be a carbon copy of her mother).

I do not think your own mother's advice has been all that helpful to date because you would not have tolerated any of that from a friend and family are really no different.

What has helped you to date OP, did you put firm and consistent boundaries in place re your MIL for instance?. I would also put forward to your sister the idea of seeing a counsellor, importantly one who has no bias about keeping families together.