Student/Teacher Relationship

[CrumpetsRUs]

Hi all,

Have name changed as didn't want to out myself.

When I was 16 years old I had a sexual relationship with my 32 year old science teacher. Crucially, he was no longer technically my teacher when the relationship turned sexual and this is where I am at a loss.

I am 28 now and have been dealing with this on and off since I was 16. Ive seen counsellors and ive talked loads about it. My husband knows all about it and my best friends are super supportive too. The reason why I'm taking it here is because I want to tell more people but don't know how... I also would like to hear if anyone has any advice for me. I wish I had a way to warn others not to make the same mistake I made as a 16 year old - I thought I knew it all back then!

So the basics:
My lovely teenage diary goes into great detail about all the time we spent together whilst at school. It looks like he groomed me. I loved the attention having had a terrible relationship with my dad and a verbally abusive step father. He helped me get through some tough times, taught me piano and we spent a lot of time talking in his classroom - just the two of us. I think this went on since I was about 14 years old, possibly?
So then I did my GCSEs and once they had finished, I was asked if I wanted to stay on and do some work in the school (yes, I was a total teachers pet!). I wasn't asked by him, but by another teacher (female). Then this was where the boundaries became blurred.
The science teacher - let's call him ST - saw me in a different light. He asked me "out" to the cinema and I gleefully accepted. He bought be a Bacardi breezer and we watched Charlie's angels... Nothing happened.
Later that summer once the school had officially broken up, we carried on "seeing" each other. I should also mention that he was in a very long term relationship with a woman but was also known to sleep with other female members of staff... He even had a make friend who was HIS teacher at school and they saw each other every now and then. He confessed to me that if this man said he wanted to be with him for the rest of his life, he would leave his GF of 14 years for him. This obviously left me feeling quite hurt.

Anyway, I had never had a boyfriend, had never kissed a boy or held hands with one... I was happy holding hands and lying in his arms but wasn't keen on kissing - I didn't know how to do it and at times I felt a bit forced but felt I couldn't say no.

So there was always a little voice in my head that said "no", but I felt obliged to carry on... I never said it outloud. One time we were at his house in his bed and I didn't want him to touch my breasts which he sort of respected and found it funny that I didn't want him to touch me there.

It became sexual in the November. I instigated it. We went away for the weekend and I decided I wanted to do it. Then the following week my mum found out... And it all went a bit crazy shit. I was obviously in 6th form at this point and the 6th form had nothing to do with my secondary school so technically we were doing nothing wrong... Which is why this all falls apart. In December he came to see me and asked me to marry him... I said yes... It lasted another two or three months... He dumped me after my 17th birthday which was a very drunken night in his "new place" where we had a threesome with a dear girl friend of mine.
She and I are still friends and have talked in depth about that night. We are cool and it was consensual for us. She assures me it's not fucked her up in any way.

So he and I split up and I spent the next week crying myself to sleep in my mums bed. I was hurting so much.
I then dealt with about 3 years of depression which has come and gone between then and now.

Fast forward a few years and mum casually drops into a conversation that when the police were made aware of our "relationship", ST had photos of me in his desk drawers in his office. Nothing sexual but photos that were taken from a distance without my knowledge... We had been on a couple of outdoor pursuits weekends as a school trip and he came on a few of them so im guessing that's when the photos were from... I was also a bit of a boffin so loved getting up to do readings in front of the school and was even in a band for a while and we performed for our year too! So photos that he could have taken without anyone questioning but obviously kept for himself. This was huge news to me as I had always felt I wasn't singled out - that he had fallen for me... Despite the grooming that you can see from my diary. I broke down and sought ways to "get him blacklisted" or something... But everything he did was "above board"... Nothing he did was illegal! Nothing. He even told the police himself when mum found out...

So like I said - I don't think im asking a question but want to warn others... Is there a way I can get this out there? As far as I'm aware, he's still teaching. He married his GF and has a daughter with her now...
How can he get away with this and I have to live with this for the rest of my life?

Well done for reading...
Xx

[CrumpetsRUs]

Truffle - yes, you're right. I remember this happening at the time. That's why my case falls through police wise every time because the law didn't protect me in that way.

[beezlebop]

That is Dreadful Crumpets and makes me angry for you .

[CrumpetsRUs]

I just wanted to add also, that I didnt expect the police to all have knowledge of every kind of ombudsman (for want of a better word), I wasn't saying the police let me down either. It just seemed like there was nowhere else to go with it according to the police. And I don't have a problem with that as their outcome. I'm not here to slate their work by any means.
I'm glad that someone has been able to direct me in the right direction and perhaps this government body hasn't been around all this time and is fairly new hence why no one has recommended it to me in the past :)

[beezlebop]

Good luck xx

[CrumpetsRUs]

Loving please private message me if you'd like to talk further. I have never met anyone who has been through this too and think it would be good to talk to someone else.
Xx

[CrumpetsRUs]

Just a quick update:

I spoke to NCTL and I can definitely file a report on him :)
I even have my diary to photocopy (boy it's hard going through that - I'm clearly so innocent to it all...). It's the only written account apart from any police reports. My school handled it so badly so I doubt there'd be anything from them.

[beezlebop]

Brilliant crumpets, that's great news. I personally think that however hard it is, you will feel better at the end of it. Xxxxc

[sadwidow28]

Excellent news crumpets. You will need inner strength to re-visit the past now that you understand you were groomed by this teacher.

You mention that you are still affected by what happened to you then. There is a helpline and resources available via NAPAC: napac.org.uk/

You were NOT to blame for this - even though you say it consensual at the time. There is was an imbalance of power. Groomers are manipulative and clever.

[CrumpetsRUs]

Had an anxiety dream about it last night... Just waiting to hear from them now that I've sent it all off...

Thanks for the support xx