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Original poster

Snooped on DH's phone

14 replies

MairzyDoats · 25/04/2015 12:52

I know, I know, I shouldn't have. He's got a new work mobile and I noticed this week that he'd become a contact on whatspp (although he already is one on his personal phone.) Now, he hasn't been secretive with this phone, it was just lying in the bedroom and i know the code. So far, so good. There was only one conversation on there, to a woman who I've never heard of. He contacted her, and was letting her know his new contact details, and from the conversation it looks like they've known each other a while... It didn't look flirtatious exactly, but he definitely sounded out her relationship status and - this is the bit that's troubling me - she asked him how the family was and he said 'all good, apart from things are very complicated with the wife at the moment'. What the?!?!? I didn't think they were? We had a bit of a rough patch last autumn but I thought we were all good now! So...do I confront him, or do I keep my tinder dry? I'm feeling a bit shaky, don't know how to act normal around him...

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 25/04/2015 13:01

'Complicated?!?' ......maybe suggest that as your relationship is so rocky at the moment, counselling should be considered. He'll either seem baffled you suggested it or maybe he'll agree and you can get his concerns out in the open.

Joysmum · 25/04/2015 13:02

I wouldn't confront, I'd instigate a talk though about how he feels things are going after your rocky patch.

Cabrinha · 25/04/2015 13:02

I think I'd be inclined to dump him out of the blue giving only the reason "I just feel things are very complicated with us" Confused

What a shitty situation.

Forget this woman and this contact. How is your relationship? Honestly, do you want to be in it? This rough patch - is it something you should have split up over? You said that you thought you were through it, but I'd say YOU'RE not, if you're checking his phone.

I was an avid phone checker on my lying cheating scumbag ex. Next boyfriend - I wouldn't have dreamt of doing it.

You'll drive yourself mental if you keep your powder dry and keep phone checking.

I wouldn't accuse him of sniffing around this woman - though he is. I'd tell him I'd seen it, tell him we had two problems - at least - firstly that you don't trust him (I wonder if the rough patch have you cause not to?) and secondly that he thinks things are complicated with you.

If he has a go about you checking his phone, dump him. If he's willing to engage in talking about what the FUCK he's up to, maybe you can both repair things.

SanctimoniousWitches · 25/04/2015 13:04

wow. sounds like he was throwing her a line. To see if she'd reel him in. She didn't. HE is your problem.

The complication in your marriage is not the normal ups and downs, it's that he's throwing out lines and hoping to be 'caught'.

Fairylea · 25/04/2015 13:07

I'd have to confront him. I'd say I needed to use a phone quickly for something and his was there and the page popped up. So what if he doesn't believe you, he has a lot more explaining to do than you do! I'd also screen shot it with my own phone incase he denies what he's said.

I wouldn't want my dh talking to another woman about how "complicated" our marriage was.... I'd be livid.

Original poster
MairzyDoats · 25/04/2015 13:13

Sanctimonious - I think you've echoed what I was thinking. He was throwing a line. And it bothers me that I've never heard of this woman even though he's clearly known her a while and made the effort to contact her. If she's important enough for him to let her know his new details why don't I know her? Rough patch - briefly, we were on the rocks due to his moody, grumpy behaviour and lack of interest in me. I threatened to leave, he simultaneously started anti depressants, we've worked our way out of it, and I have to say he's been like a new man in many respects - he has really made an effort and I thought we had a future. This does not look good. Also, I have to be honest and admit that when things were bad I started chatting online to a male friends. It could have gone further but DH found out (which was the point at which I said I wanted to leave) and begged me to give us another chance. I ceased all contact with the man I'd been talking to. I don't think I was snooping on his phone because I was suspicious, more idle nosiness! Interestingly the phone has now been removed.

OP posts:
GottaFeeling · 25/04/2015 13:16

I reckon "complicated" means "I know I led you to believe things weren't great with DW, but it's a lot better now"

They had some sort of fling (possibly EA) when things weren't so good, which could have been the cause of your rough patch of course. Or he could have confided in her when things weren't so good. He's keeping his options open, hence keeping in touch and letting her know the new details, but he doesn't want her to think things are back on.

Maybe. Not sure I've convinced myself there TBH.

I would talk to my close male friend about things being complicated with DH, looking for advice and insight but DH had most definitely heard of him, long before I got to a position where I would have that kind of conversation with him.

Cabrinha · 25/04/2015 13:17

If you were checking his phone from idle nosiness, tbh you deserve a flipping roasting! That's really not on.
I'm all for checking phones when you have suspicions - I once started a thread here simply to say "people shouldn't feel guilty for that"!
But if someone checked mine because they were bored, they'd be dumped.

You know that checking out other people comes when you're not feeling committed - so no, don't watch and wait. Talk to him.

Original poster
MairzyDoats · 25/04/2015 13:19

Hmm. I read 'complicated' as 'in trouble and please ask me about it so I can have a whinge'. Sadly she didn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
MairzyDoats · 25/04/2015 13:20

Cabrinha, I know. I feel guilty for it. Partly why I don't want to fess up.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 25/04/2015 13:22

"Complicated" is shorthand for "my wife doesn't understand me". Complicated only ever means, I am signalling that I could be available, do not write me off as being married and therefore absolutely not a possibility.

Seriously - I can't think of a phrase less unambiguous than complicated, other than perhaps "I'm prepared to cheat".

Complicated, my arse!

missqwerty · 25/04/2015 13:23

I agree he was deffinately throwing her a line. Doesn't sound comitted at all.

MadeMan · 25/04/2015 17:23

Was/is it on Facebook where "It's Complicated" used to be one of the options for users relationship status?

Hierophant · 02/05/2015 11:25

I don't believe for one moment you thought everything was good in your relationship - when people go rummaging, whether it be in people's drawers or their phone, they are looking for something.
Both of you clearly need to talk...

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