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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you have (or had) lovely parents please tell me what made them so great

30 replies

dannythechampionoftheworld · 16/04/2015 21:18

I can't say my parents were the greatest but I really want to be the best parent I can be to my own DC. The problem is, I've no real frame of reference.

So if your parents are/were great can you please share with me what it was about them that made them lovely?

Thanks :)

OP posts:

Joysmum · 16/04/2015 21:22

They listened.

They treated me as a person using education to lead me down the right path but giving me the freedom to make my own mistakes without blame.

I've always felt valued for who I am, rather than just being moulded to be their mini me to live their dreams.

Looseleaf · 16/04/2015 21:28

Mine just always have time for us. I know that they are so busy but it's still my brother and I that count most or feel first.

They do everything they can for us and spend time with us and never interfere or get in the way and are so open hearted to DH too and always have unlimited time for the DC.

They don't have a perfect marriage but I never knew as they never argued and we grew up in a really happy atmosphere and with lots of interesting books.

I could go on but starting to feel emotional as have had an awful day and DF gave me the biggest hug and they care so much about us

LightNC · 16/04/2015 21:30

They loved and cared about me. Were kind to me, yet tough too if they needed to be. I mattered to them, and they wanted me to be happy more than anything. They were on my team.

Note however - nobody adored anybody, or worshipped anybody. I wasn't treated as god's great gift to the world, or praised beyond what I was. We all just loved each other for what we were.

Looseleaf · 16/04/2015 21:30

We too were always allowed to be independent - never made to feel anything expected of us and just that we were trusted

Magmatic80 · 16/04/2015 21:45

We did a lot as a family, a lot of days out together. Definitely instilled a sense of interest in the world. We always ate together at the table. Pocket money stopped as soon as we were 15 and old enough to get a part time job. By that point we were on £1 a week (20 years ago) so getting a job was something that we wanted to do! We were encouraged to try any activity we fancied but were not pressured to 'be the best'. It was about enjoying it. If it cost a lot it wasn't an option but I don't remember ever expecting anything, somehow our DP instilled a sense of sensible ness in both of us! My DSis and I both ended up confident and independent, definitely no sense of 'having to have a boyfriend' to be able to get through life. I was single (and happy that way) for most of my life and not did I get any comments asking if I'd met anyone yet or that body clock ticking or 'so and so' has got married, when are you settling down etc. I am eternally grateful for that, witnessing the way some of my friends' parents go on and on at them on the subject is horrendous! Anyway, I am extremely grateful to my parents for my upbringing, it was great. And yes, I was a shouty teenager, and got the odd slap round the back of the legs etc. I turned out alright

Patchworkpatty · 16/04/2015 21:54

Despite the fact that my repressed mother (raised by a nanny) has never given me a cuddle, it may sound strange to say she couldn't have been better. she I'd a product of a upper middle class upbringing and has really tried (can cuddle and show affection to dgc) because 'they do it to her ' instinctively... life is rarely perfect not I can tell you without the remotest doubt she is a LIONESS !!! and no matter what we are or what we do she will always take our side against the world. (and give us a bollicking behind closed doors if we are in the wrong) You literally can bet your last dollar on my mums support. - she's not always right but that certainty is worth its weight in gold. I am 51 now and it's as strong as ever.

UnderThePink · 16/04/2015 21:59

So much love, so much warmth and affection but also consistency, boundaries and consequently I always felt safe. They also taught me how to manage my own emotions, how to self soothe and how to assert myself. Always emotionally available and also financial helpful. This whole relationship remains in adulthood but the emotional support now goes both ways. Just brilliant. I'm so lucky.

SirChenjin · 16/04/2015 22:03

My Mum was lovely - she was just a very nice, friendly, warm person, who was never going to set the world on fire but who was very content with her lot. She made mistakes, which she acknowledged, she was always there for us and made us feel very loved (which was odd, because she didn't say it very often at all - one of the few times we said it was when we were saying our goodbyes at the end ). She didn't push me to be anything I wasn't - she just let me be, but she was always very interested in me and my DCs and would always put us before herself (well, unless you phoned when Downton was on ).

Hard to explain her 43 years of parenting in just a few words - but she was ace. I miss her tons.

ReallyBadParty · 16/04/2015 22:05

I didn't, but dh did.

He never questioned that they loved him unconditionally.

That's what I am striving for with my dcs.

Mehitabel6 · 16/04/2015 22:07

They gave unconditional love, security (were utterly reliable) and time.

beerbelly · 16/04/2015 22:07

I am 38 and think my parents are the best. In all honesty, when I was a kid, it wasn't all text book perfect: they didn't do arts and crafts with us; we didn't have loads of family days out; when I was a teenager, we had our rows.

But I always knew I was loved and I always respected them.

The real reason I think they are great now is that they have a really great relationship. My Dad treats my Mum like a Queen and they always have lots to talk to each other about.

I suppose the respect they have for each other made my sister and I automatically respect them.

TyrannosaurusBex · 16/04/2015 22:17

My lovely dad was another one who was raised by a nanny in an upper-middle class family, he was extremely dignified and private and hated anyone encroaching on his personal space, with the exception of his children. He spent loads of time encouraging us in our interests, and although he maintained a stiff upper lip with the rest of the world, with us he was a real softie. I miss him loads.

catzpyjamas · 16/04/2015 22:24

They love me no matter how much grief I gave/give. They listen, help, confide, admit their failings, support my choices, gave me my self confidence, gave me freedom to make my own decisions, picked me up when I got it wrong.
They now do all this for my DD too and that makes them even more fabulous
they also feed me when they occasionally have already had DD all day while I work

RedCheckedTablecloth · 16/04/2015 23:05

Foul weather friends. Were there if the shit hit the fan.

Original poster

dannythechampionoftheworld · 17/04/2015 11:53

lovely responses thank you

OP posts:

Enb76 · 17/04/2015 11:57

I never had to question their love for me. Despite their faults and mistakes I always knew that they wanted the best for me. They were always my 'home', if life got really dreadful I could always run to them.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 17/04/2015 12:09

They put us first, and we knew we were loved.

My mum would say that it was their goal to give us a better life than they had (and they did). They worked hard to provide for us (and there were some lean years) and supported our education as far as we wanted to go with it.

It was a shock for all of us siblings when we married into other families and realised that what we had growing up wasn't the norm.

Preminstreltension · 17/04/2015 12:25

Just my mum but she loved us and put us first. Also security and boundaries but no helicoptering. She didn't have time - single parent and worked FT. She assumed we would do ok and behave responsibly and we did.

And as with someone else on the thread, she wasn't averse to doling out the odd smack. It was absolutely fine. If you know a parent loves you and is in control it's a whole different kettle of fish to being abused. I'm not suggesting it as a strategy! Just pointing out that you don't have to be perfect to be a great mum.

Hannahouse · 17/04/2015 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheerfullady · 17/04/2015 12:38

I always knew I was loved, no matter what and that whatever I chose to do (study/boyfriends/jobs) would always be OK with them, but they would be there to support me if I needed it. I suppose I felt accepted for being me.

They instilled an understanding of the value of money (pocket money, saving up for things), a sense of positivity about life (if something crappy happens, there's usually something positive around the corner) and helped me understand that, generally speaking, achievements are under our control (i.e. you work hard, you'll achieve) but to be realistic that not everyone can be good at everything!

Even now, I know they would be there for me if I needed them, and I think that's it above all else. Both my sister and I regularly say how lucky we are.

SconeRhymesWithPhone · 17/04/2015 13:03

Always put us first, gave us plenty of time and attention, encouraged us to spread our wings. Focus on us being happy rather than particular achievements. Even now that I am 37, my parents will drop everything and drive the length of the country to get to me if I need them. I've never asked them to, but I know with 100% certainty that they would. They are rather emotionally restrained (we're not huggy), but they are always there with practical support.

HolaCaracola · 18/04/2015 01:59

What a lovely thread! Thank you, OP for posting this, and thanks for all the replies. I endured a lot of Emotional and Physical abuse growing up, my family are very toxic and I am NC with my parents. Part of the abuse was being told that "all families have their problems", that we were normal, it was just me who couldn't take it! Also been fed the lie that I am like my parents, and I will be the same as my mother because I am so similar to her. It is good to know that there are good families out there, that I am not doomed to repeat the same shitty behaviour with my kids, that I am able to have some say in how things turn out. That I can be a kind and loving mother and raise happy, secure children. I thought I would feel jealous reading this thread, but I don't. I have hope and I can strive to give my children the happiness you all have.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 18/04/2015 02:21

I think it was just a very different time. I adore my parents and think they did a fantastic job but I don't remember them doing much other than watching tv in the evening! Both my parents worked in pretty intensive jobs and they were both knackered when they got home. I made dinner from when I was 10 and our interactions were mainly tv related in the evening. We were like the 80s version of Gogglebox.

That said, I knew I was deeply loved and still do. They have never commented on any relationship my siblings and I have had, choosing to let us make our own minds up. They've never made us feel judged. It's that kind of thing I'm trying to emulate in my own parenting, although I'm much more hands on than they ever were. I still secretly think they got it right though.

blackcurrants · 18/04/2015 02:28

They loved me. They told me a lot, showed me with hugs and kisses and silly in-jokes and mainly, being interested in me. They listened to me and thought about what i said. They encouraged our interests, driving me to drama club or whatnot, Mum being a stage manager in our local amdrams when I was in it. . . I felt always like she cared.

As a third child I don't know if I felt like "I came first" all the time but I also grew aware, as a teen, that they'd sacrificed a lot for us, and were happy to do it as it gave them joy to give us a good life.

If you look at the 'in-jokes with your DH' thread, it reveals that the little things mean the most, as they are signs of a team/family cohesion.
We had endless stupid in-jokes as a family when I was little. We laughed a LOT.

catzpyjamas · 18/04/2015 07:31

HolaCaracola,

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