more fucking dope - WWYD

[lemonstartree]

Yesterday my 16 year old DS1 found a lump (tennis ball sized) of dope at my ex husbands house. DS1 called his stepdad (my partner) DS1 has aspergers and was worried that his younger brothers 12 and 10 would find it etc etc. ds1 took the weed and threw it away (with his girlfriend) Ex H realised DS1 had it and was phoning him offering to 'split it' if DS would bring it back....

My ExH and I are divorced largely because he was a drug addict. Paranoid, aggressive, irresponsible, childish and at times violent. We have been divorced for 5 years.

He will never ever stop smoking weed; He is totally addicted to it. Would you allow DS2 & 3 to have unsupervised contact with him? He thinks there is nothing wrong with it ...

In a word...Hell No!
He has a choice, his kids or his drugs!

TBH a 10 year old and a 12 year old are capable of understanding that they don't touch certain items eg dope, so they are not necessarily in danger just because it's in the house.
Are they getting anything out of seeing their dad, though? Do they love him and enjoy spending time with him? If they do, having a sensible talk with them should keep them safe. IF they don't, then bring in the big guns and get contact stopped.

I think if your son is 16 it is his choice.

Social services do leave children in the care of drug users and addicts and so I think legally he has a leg to stand on.

Personally I would hate anyone normalising the use of dope around my kids and so I totally understand where your coming from.

Surely your kids already know he smokes it? You must have known that he was doing it when they visit anyway if he's an addict

I mean what I say kindly. I'm just not sure what good it will do at this stage.

Quitelikely yes, that's kind of what I think. He has times when he makes a big song and dance about 'giving up' but it doesn't last long. Do they get much out of seeing him? - not really they spend most of the days at his mothers house, he rarely takes them anywhere. They don't stay over.

They know he takes drugs, or did. DS2 is devastated that Dad 'lied to me again' - but yes they love him and I generally think kids are better having contact .. Its just the normalizing of drug taking that I hate ...

It's not just the normalising of it, it's the offering to split it with your son that would have tipped me over the edge. What kind of father is that?

It sounds like your elder son is very switched on and sensible and all credit to him.

With respect to him I would echo what others have said, its his choice, he clearly sees his dad and his problems for what they are and is mature enough not to raise to his dad's bait and I wouldn't have any worries about him.

With the younger ones... not so much. It depends a great deal on your children and their personalities and relationships with their dad. As you say, on balance restricting contact seems quite draconian.

Personally I think I would tell him that if anything anywhere close to this happens again with your kids under his roof I would go straight to the police.

Before I put in my twopennethworth I should point out that I am very much anti cannabis. Not only is it part of my job to condemn it, but it's not the same mild drug that it was just 10 years ago and I think it's dangerous that so many people think cannabis today is no more strong than the stuff of the 60s.

That said, I don't think your DC are in physical danger from it. At their ages, they're not likely to try to eat/smoke it themselves. The main danger comes from, as you say, the normalisation of drug use. I'd also be mindful of the fact that if your XP has a tennis-ball sized lump, it's possible he's dealing, which could end up with him having rather unsavoury types coming around his house or possibly getting raided by the police.

So if it were my children? Over my dead body would they be going to that house.

"Paranoid, aggressive, irresponsible, childish and at times violent". This is why I'd be reluctant to leave a 16 yo with SN, a 12 and a 10 year old with their father who is a drug addict. I have personal experience of a close family member being addicted to cannabis. The saying they are going to give up and then not quite managing to is typical behaviour. Like any addict, your XH needs help, but he has to realise this for himself. Not being able to see his DSs might be the sanction that drives him to realise this and seek help. Like PTS, I reckon he's probably dealing if he has that much in the house. Police are more likely to prosecute if that's the case and I doubt you would want your DSs to witness his arrest.

What worries me is such a huge amount being thrown away could have landed your DS on the wrong end of his fathers fist if he had been there when ex realised.

For all the reasons you divorced him I wouldnt allow my kids there. The drugs are almost secondary to that.

If he wants to see them then he can do it supervised or not at all, and in a contact centre as I wouldnt trust his mother to supervise appropriately.

My ExH and I are divorced largely because he was a drug addict. Paranoid, aggressive, irresponsible, childish and at times violent. We have been divorced for 5 years.

No, there is no way I would allow unsupervised contact. What else could be lying around, anyway?

poundingthestreets I hate HATE hate cannabis and not for one moment do I think its 'harmless'. The stuff has ruined his life. Hes a lazy anxious dope head aged 50. No one has any respect for him, not even his children

I have busted my own son to the cops for briging the stuff into my house. I just will not have it, so I am realy worried my ExH's attitide that 'everybody ' does it ... BUT its not just stoppng him from seeing them this week. I would never be able to let him see them if I say "drugs or kids". And SS are no help at all, they just say its up to me,,,

I have insisted he not drive with them right now and my partner and I have to meet up with him later this week to sort somethng out

Good luck.

lemonstartree ~ Its very interesting reading this from another point of view.

My H also smokes cannabis very regularly and I have recently asked him to quit or at least cut way back to start, as his moods and sulks were draining the life from me. Most days I felt like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.

He has said he cant/wont quit, which angers me but somehow I am left feeling guilty for asking??

Anyway it interests me as your kids are a lot older than mine, when I read your post I thought no way would I have them round there but then I snapped into my harsh reality that I have this on my own doorstep and living with it already. Was the drug use part of the reason you spilt originally?

Sorry just read it was part of the reason you are divorced.