Friend in abusive relationship but not sure if she wants to leave

[HungryDam]

A close friend of mine had a semi breakdown and confessed that her DP is very controlling and verbally and physically abusive.

She decided she wanted to leave the marriage but then recently has been having doubts. I can't really understand why. It's not like he has come and asked her to return.

She asked for my advice and I told her I wouldn't go back with him but its obviously her decision. How do I make her see the light? Is it common for women in abusive and controlling relationships to be so controlled or mentally scared that they can't see the other side?

I've heard that the Freedom course run by womens aid is very good . Perhaps your friend would consider doing it

Very very common.

Usually by the time someone gets to the point of breaking down, their self esteem has been so worn down that they can't actually believe that they can cope without the abuser.

They will have been told constantly that they're wrong or stupid, been constantly corrected, they'll have been living in a state of fear,etc, etc.

Think Stockholm syndrome.

The problem for a lot of people is that those around them can't understand and get angry and frustrated and pull away and the woman (or man) is left more and more isolated.

Advise your friend to get in touch with women s aid and to look up the freedom program on line.

And just be there for her, let her talk, if she asks for help go for it but don't be surprised if she doesn't follow through the first time.

it's hard to watch but hopefully she will get there in the end

It's very common for there to be lots of false starts for women exiting abusive relationships. As the PP says, they live in a state of fear, their confidence has been crushed to nothing and they become paralysed with self-doubt. 'Leaving'.... becomes such an enormous obstacle (where will they live? what about the kids? what about money? what if he comes after me?) that they rationalise they are better staying put and sticking it out.

Womens Aid have some advice called Things not to say and do which you might find useful.

It's good that she's confided in you and it's good that you've said you wouldn't go back. Does she have children? Might they be at risk?